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SO Jealous of my partners ex girlfriend and ex wife...i know its wrong(6 Posts)
I have really low self confidence, especially about my appearance. I got divorced 4 years ago and have recently tried internet dating. While I was on a dating site I was messaged by a man that I used to go out with 20 years ago when I was at university! We had gone out with each other for about 8 months way back years ago, and when we split up I was devastated (I was only 19 at the time)
I went on to meet my (now ex) husband and we had one child, who is now a teenager. My divorce wasnt an easy one (my husband was really horrible to me during our marriage and it took me a long time to get the courage and financial security to leave) and it took me over two years to even consider moving on and dating again.
Out of the blue, on the dating site, I got a message from my old flame and we decided to meet up....I wasnt even sure if he was asking me out on a date or just a "catch up for old times sake" at first, but we got on really well, and over weeks and several dates it developed into a romance again. Ive now been seeing him for 6 months and its a serious relationship ( on my part anyway, I've fallen back in love with him).
I always wondered over the years (now and then) what had become of him and it turns out that he married a girl who he started dating after he finished with me years ago. So I know her vaguely, although we were never friends. I remember what she looked like (very attractive and cool) They have children (now also teenagers).
Now heres the wierd bit:
He told me that one of the reasons that he split up with his wife was because HE had been contacted out of the blue (whilst he was married) by another ex girlfriend from years ago (via FB I think...not a dating site) ...she initiated contact.... they had started messaging...things got intense according to him, but nothing physical, and it led to all sorts of arguments with his ex wife who wanted him to stop messaging this woman, and I think that was the straw that broke the camels back in their relationship. He then went out with this woman for two years and even relocated to be with her. After 2 years she finished it with him (he didnt really tell me why, he just said she didnt really have time for him anymore....maybe she got bored with him, I dont know)
He went out with this woman BEFORE he met me years ago so its almost like hes working his way through his ex girlfriends that he had at Uni!! he joked about that to me and he told me that his friends had even commented on it and they had said said his ex wife needed to be careful in case he worked his way back to her again! ......he said this when we were drunk one night, and although I tried to laugh this off, this comment did hurt my feelings.
So the crux of the matter is that I am very jealous of both his relationship with his ex wife and this subsequent ex girlfriend. His ex wife is now in a new relationship herself so i doubt that she is desperate to get him back, but his more recent ex girlfriend haunts me, especially because according to him she finished it. I worry that if she snaps her fingers he will go back to her. They were both very pretty and talented and interesting and I keep comparing myself to them. This is where my lack of self confidence lets me down a lot.
I did go for counselling about my divorce and my self confidence...just around the time I met my boyfriend again. It was really helpful, but very expensive, and I really cant afford it anymore as its 40 pounds per half hour session.
So how do I stop myself agonising that Im not as good as them, that I envy the time they had with him, or that he's still in love with one of them, at least 2 or 3 times per week I end up checking their facebook pages in secret, looking at their photos which makes me upset. My friends have told me off for doing it, but I feel a compulsion to do it then I feel awful.
It doesnt help that he did mention to me quite a few times how much he loved his ex girlfriend.....and he must have loved her a lot to leave his wife.
Its my fault because I keep asking questions about her.....I know that I shouldnt and that Im going to hear stuff I dont want to hear... but again I feel compelled to ask...and he is very honest and blunt, and answers what I want to know.
Last week I noticed that he had searched for his ex girlfriends page on facebook (she has unfriended him i can see that from his friends list) but I never said anything to him.
Then yesterday he was flicking through photos on his phone, showing me ones of his children, and there were several very recent ones of his ex girlfriend on his phone, all copied by him from her face book I think. I didnt really say anything, I didnt want to cause an argument or seem bothered, he got embarrased ad quickly deleted them, but he could just go and copy them again for all I know.
How can I get over this?? I hate myself for being like this.
Who copies photos of an ex off their facebook after they've been unfriended, while they're in a relationship with somebody else?? You said you're worried that he might go back to her if she clicked her fingers - but she has unfriended him so it sounds like she has more sense than to do the "Pick Me" dance. Wonder why she dumped him? Maybe she "just got bored with him" or "didn't have time for him" but I'll bet it's for the same reason that his ex wife divorced him.
You agonise comparing yourself to the ex wife and ex GF, but there's a fair chance you'll be exactly like them - be careful what you wish for!
I was getting ready to tell you that it sounded like your issue until the final paragraph.
WTF is he doing taking copies of photos of this ex?
I know it sounds drastic, but I would dump for that. There's just no good reason for it, is there?
I think a lot of people gravitate back to exes because it's easy, easier than contacting a stranger. Not even a calculating thing. My friend and I call it "working the back catalogue". I don't see it as a red flag in itself - but taking those photos really is.
I don't think there your low self esteem talking, I think it's your sensible gut.
You should have asked him, why he was looking at her FB and copying pics to his phone.
Relationships are meant to bring something positive to your life. Is he?
If not, dump him and move on.
So when he was married he had an emotional affair with an old university gf?
Red flag 1.
He does things that seem deliberately designed to make a gf "stay on her toes".
Red flag 2.
He doesn't sound like a good partner prospect, that's for sure.
The red flags are flying, the alarm bells are defeaning, and the writing is on the wall in LARGE letters.
You're best advised to bin him now, OP, before you get even more hurt when he dumps you for one or other of his exes.
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