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AIBU re. my children and their grandad?

(20 Posts)
entersandman Mon 07-Mar-16 15:00:22

Have NC.
Didn't dare post in AIBU but I need some perspective.

Split with stbexH earlier this year. History of DV, EA and him generally being a foul person to live with. My dad has always got on with him. (They're very alike)
Since the split stbexH has trashed my house, stolen several of my belongings, and items that belong to our children.
He also managed to access my phone, photograph private text messages I had sent to a friend and sent the photographs to several members of my family.
Although they all know what he is like, they have all sided with him and apparently I'm the bad person in the situation.

After some very abusive text messages and phone calls from my dad and a few other family members I have told them all I want nothing more to do with them. If they are prepared to side with someone who has repeatedly beaten their daughter/niece/cousin in front of her children, then they can get out of my life.

Today I received a message from my dad's wife asking if they can see my children this weekend. AIBU to tell them that if they want to side with 'darling son in law', they will have to arrange to see the children during his time to have them?

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 15:49:19

Not unreasonable at all.
I'm sorry you're surrounded by this shower of shite.
Stand firm.
I wouldn't suggest you tell them to go see XSIL. Just ignore the messages or say "no".

coconutpie Mon 07-Mar-16 16:27:27

I would ignore or tell them no or fuck off. They sound like disgusting people.


glasgowlass Mon 07-Mar-16 16:32:44

I would just reply "are you having a laugh....fuck right off!" to them. They've shown their true colours, you're well rid of them all. Bunch of pricks.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 17:33:25

"LOL NO" sounds like a good response.

Grandparents have no legal right to see GC.

It's unsurprising that an abusive family of origin has taught you to accept an abusive relationship as an adult. Well done for getting free of this prick. Have you had any counselling or done the Freedom Programme to help you with setting boundaries in the future and spotting abusive arseholes before they get their hooks in you?

maybebabybee Mon 07-Mar-16 17:37:48

How fucking awful. So sorry OP. Going through DV is bad enough without your own family siding with the abuser.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. Tell them to fuck right off.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 07-Mar-16 17:49:07

I wouldn't even reply. Why the hell should you have contact with someone who has been abusive to you, let alone your kids.


AndersArms Mon 07-Mar-16 18:02:59

I agree OP - just ignore or say no without offering a solution or a reason.

entersandman Mon 07-Mar-16 19:52:47

Thank you so much.

I didn't want to come across as if I was 'using my children as a weapon'. But they don't need that kind of negativity in their lives.

The reason I left their dad was because I didn't want them growing up thinking what he was doing was normal or acceptable behaviour, so the fact that my family thinks or its speaks volumes to me.

I've spoken to my mum about it and she's helped me word a text message. I shall copy and paste to see if any of you wise MNers have anything constructing to add.

OzzieFem Mon 07-Mar-16 20:02:22

Get security for your front and back doors and if necessary change your locks. You can also change the number of your phone so only the people you trust can contact you direct. If you have facebook block them and don't put any new contact details there. If you have email account change your password etc.etc.

Have you taken out a restraining order against your stbexH. As for your inlaws they are not worth knowing. flowers

entersandman Mon 07-Mar-16 20:04:10

I think I would reply ... No sadly things aren't good with us and I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle of this, but as long as he's taking exH's side over this and not supporting me, I would prefer it if he arranged to see the boys with exH when he has them.

entersandman Mon 07-Mar-16 20:04:53

Ozzie all locks have been changed. Passwords changed. Social media accounts deleted. smile

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 07-Mar-16 22:12:01

I've reported your last but one post to MNHQ as you've named your ex flowers

I don't think I would mention things not being 'good with us' as it's could be misconstrued/seen as opening a conversation. but the rest sounds fine smile

entersandman Mon 07-Mar-16 23:19:07

Thank you. smile hadn't noticed the name. Haha x

SanityClause Mon 07-Mar-16 23:26:06

I wouldn't say any of that.

I'd just say, no, I'm sorry, that won't be possible.

As it is, you're inviting too much of a discussion.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 07-Mar-16 23:28:29

I wouldn't word it like that as it sounds like you're struggling and sorry.
I would say "That won't work for us. I am keeping thing positive and stable for the dc as their needs come first. We can discuss if you can help me do this in a month or two's time."

Pannacott Mon 07-Mar-16 23:32:00

I agree, you are conceding too much in that message (they aren't stuck in the middle, they are supporting abusive behaviour), and also making it sound like you are stopping the kids contact because they aren't taking your side. 'No, that's not possible' as PP said is fine. If they start arguing about it, don't reply. You aren't going to change their mind and they aren't going to see it from your point of view. They will continue to think you are being unreasonable, but so what. Keep up the NC to protect yourself from more of this.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 08-Mar-16 01:18:16

I agree with Giddy's wording and imo you should avoid any mention of your family having contact with the dc on your ex's time otherwise you'll be giving them opportunity to strengthen their bond with him.

kickassangel Tue 08-Mar-16 01:31:27

I wouldn't even bother to reply. It just gives them something to haggle with.

HAve you told them that you don't want any contact? If so then you can just ignore. If not, then just go with something like "No, I don't have any plans for you to see my children with the current situation."

They have no right to politeness or deference, and any attempt at that will be seen as encouragement.

amarmai Tue 08-Mar-16 04:55:00

as he has attacked you ,stolen your property and vandalised , i wd make a police report- espec as he may do more. Agree keep your dcc away from those who are supporting him.

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