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What do I ask for?

(26 Posts)
wibblywobbler Mon 07-Mar-16 13:59:14

I have been seeing a single father for about nine weeks now and at first it was lovely. He was super attentive, almost falling over himself to be there for me. We became a couple quicker than each of us wanted or foresaw but we spoke about it and he also felt the same way, that he had never planned for things to progress so quickly but we decided things were as they were and we were happy so we would go with it.

The past couple of weeks I have had some drama at home with my teen, I posted a separate post about it and he has been under a lot of stress at work. But I feel like when we do see each other now we just sit in silence with him fighting sleep. I want to be able to talk to him, have discussions but he's so tired and preoccupied. I want to be able to relax and have fun with him as happy couples are supposed to do.

He has been very short tempered and really snappy with me which has made me withdraw and not feel chatty with him. He's stopped being attentive and we don't feel as connected as we used to.

A couple of times he has made plans with me, then forgotten and made plans with other people. He has rectified the plans and done as originally arranged with me after I have reminded him, but it makes me feel unimportant.

I saw him on Saturday night for a meal with his friends and I mentioned about how we planned a day out next Saturday and he looked completely blank, so I reminded him we were going to go out and said he couldn't even think about it as it was a whole week away and he would have a whole shit load to deal with at work between now and then. At the meal he was happy and friendly and chatty with his friends, which contrasted with how distant he is with me now. On the way home I said what a lovely evening it was and that I was looking forward to next weekend and he snapped at me. I suppose he feels under pressure from work and feels like I am adding extra pressure? But is it so unreasonable of me to be excited and wanting to make plans with my boyfriend?

He did give me a mothers day card on Saturday on behalf of my youngest. But then yesterday I thanked him in the morning for the card and said how lovely it was, he saw the message at 9am and didn't reply. He used to always reply straight away and we used to send each other about 5 messages throughout the day. He always used to message me on his way to work to say good morning and it would start from there. So I hadn't heard from him by late evening and I messaged him asking how his day had been and had his mother had a nice time. He said it was all lovely and that he was about to do a few hours work and go to bed, he didn't ask after my day or anything.

I asked after a while if everything was ok, because he didn't seem as in to the relationship as he used to be and he had been snapping at me a lot, and generally sneery about everyone from his team at work to clients, and I wondered if everything was ok. He told me he was just very stressed about his work and he couldn't separate that stress from his time with me and it was nothing personal. I asked with everything going on at work did he feel like he had time for a relationship in his life right now as he already has so much going on (work pressures, children 40% of the time, his mother living close by and a regular hobby) and he said that he has other things in his life but I am important to him but it would depend on what I want from him. He's coming over on Thursday to have a face to face talk about it.

I just want to be able to make plans to see my boyfriend without being snapped at, to be able to spend time with him where we can talk without him being highly strung and barely able to stay awake. He said work could sort itself out in a few days or a few months. Am I being unfair? He says he's exhausted, I can see how exhausted he is.

Am I not considering enough how much strain he is under and just be more patient and understanding? I am not sure if I am being unfair on him. I just want to say I have never made any demands on his time, apart from once on one of the occasions when I reminded him how we had made plans which he forgot and made plans with other people. I don't nag him, I suggested a day out as he himself said the last time we had done similar he had had loads of fun, and so had I so I thought it would be nice to do something similar again. I didn't mention it again till Saturday when I asked if there was somewhere specific in the area I had suggested going he wanted to visit. And when we message, we used to message regularly during the day and evenings too, but it was a chat, it wasn't a one sided deluge of messages from one of us. I don't and have never pestered him over his time

I am so sorry this is so long

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 14:11:10

Nine weeks in and he's giving you Mother's Day cards from your DC?
Personally, at nine weeks in I think his behaviour is unaccepable. Snappy, withdrawn and falling asleep? At nine weeks?
He treats his friends differently to how he treats you. His behaviour is different when he's around his friends.
I'm not convinced that this is about work stress. If it is, he needs to take ownership of his behaviour and how he's handling the stress.

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 14:12:02

Can you link to your other thread please.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 07-Mar-16 14:13:47

Way too soon for all this stress - if this is the hearts and roses honeymoon period it doesn't bode well for the long term does it?

gamerchick Mon 07-Mar-16 14:18:52

Too hard so soon. Cut your losses and move on. 9 weeks in it should still be coat hanger gob part of it.

BoyGirlBoy3 Mon 07-Mar-16 14:18:56

My advice - give him some space, like a slight brush off, 'oh i might not make saturday after all', see if it makes him keener, what age are you? If you are 20-30, I think he's cooling, If you are older than 30, its possible he has slotted you into partner role already!

LineyReborn Mon 07-Mar-16 14:20:10

You have cast him in the role of 'my boyfriend'.

He wants to be ... him.

They're not compatible.

Slowdecrease Mon 07-Mar-16 14:22:30

Nine weeks in he's probably regretting being in a relationship at this point if he's under a lot of work stress, if he's mobbed at work he probably doesn't have time to text five times a day either. Its up to you really, can you dial it back to pressure free casual dating that is not set in stone with him or do you need more than that ? Having serious face to face chats at 9 weeks is really rubbish tbh, pretty sure neither of you can be arsed with that.

wibblywobbler Mon 07-Mar-16 14:33:08

No it is all too much too soon isn't it.

We're both in our mid thirties.

He told me he saw us as boyfriend and girlfriend, he said he loved me after about 4 weeks, I felt cast into a relationship too soon. I just want to be having fun right now, I am more than happy to scale things back. I want to still be in the stage where we are excited about doing things together and not be snapped at and having to compete with him falling asleep like an old married couple.

And no, not sure I can be arsed with 'serious conversations' about the state of our relationship after only 9 weeks!

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 14:42:27

It is all too much too soon, and I was glad to see you'd mentioned it was quicker than either of you had planned.

Still, I believe the onus is on him to manage his bad moods around you. It's up to him to work out how to deal with his work stress, being a lone parent and how to fit this in with your relationship. Later in a relationship this is something a couple can talk through together but at this stage it's up to him, I agree about not being arsed with 'serious' talks at 9 weeks.
I'd be very concerned that this is just the start though, and in a year's time you'll be utterly miserable with his bad temper, forgetting about plans and him falling asleep in your company.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 14:43:29

Given how he was happy and carefree with his friends then a snappy arse with you, I'd say this relationship has reached the end of its natural life.

With how accellerated the process seems to have been, I'm not entirely surprised. What's that phrase about "the candle that burns brightest burns out quickest" or something?

I'd be binning this off now TBH. Fuck waiting around for him to see whether he gets less stressy. You don't work with him, his workplace stress should not be impacting your life!

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 14:43:47

I also meant to add, that if I was being bad tempered with someone new, falling asleep and so on, I'd probably realise that I wasn't in a good place to be in a relationship right now.

BoyGirlBoy3 Mon 07-Mar-16 14:52:16

Mid-thirties dating can sometimes speed into 'partners' stage quickly, do you have children?, if not, why not go out find someone who doesn't have children. That could really be fun!! If you do have children, then just cool it, if you like him, be slightly less available.

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 14:57:34

OP, don't fall into the trap of playing games like being less available.

He's behaving like a twat around you already, after just nine weeks. He's told you he loves you but yet he snaps at you all the time. confused
He's the one that needs to change his behaviour, not you!

Slowdecrease Mon 07-Mar-16 15:00:42

I think you're saying you want to be chilled out and make fun plans and what hes saying is he can't think about anything but work let alone next weekend. I'd just wait to hear from him to be honest at weekend and sack off the "serious" chat, nothing to say you cant have a nice time with him at weekend without attaching the weight of expectations of a relationship to it . But yes, if he's being arsy with you and nice to his mates he's telling you not in so many words to reverse out of his life a bit (or completely). As PP said, too much too soon.

Secretlove Mon 07-Mar-16 15:08:16

It sounds like he doesn't really want to be with you at the moment. He has probably got a lot of stress in his life but to take it out on you is not on. Why would you put up with that after only 9 weeks?

Don't bother having any deep and meaningful talks. I would call it a day.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 15:38:17

Fuck that!

This is who he is, a snappy twat.

I have worked ridiculous hours in the past, foreign travel on top. I've had to apologise to boyfriends and say "I'm sorry, I'm jetlagged, too tired to think, and rubbish company" - and managed to do that without snapping at them hmm

Thing is, this is not a temporary thing. This is who he is, how he reacts under stress. Who the fuck does he think he is to take that out on you? Sort out this stressful period, another one will come up.

How he was with his mates is very telling. People either think it's OK to treat a partner like shit or they don't. He does. After 9 weeks?

Get rid.

HotNatured Tue 08-Mar-16 09:27:45

He sounds like a disrespectful arse and you will just become increasingly befuddled and upset by his behaviour if you stay with him.

Nine weeks in you should be seeing each other once a week max. These times should be spent going on proper dates, getting to know each other. They should be light hearted and fun. I cannot blv you are going to have a 'chat' about the state of your relationship at just over two months in! That is ridiculous.

Way too much, too soon. You know they say men are quick to fall in love and quick to fall out of love (that's because it's not love they feel, but lust, and that lust soon dissipates when things progress too quickly).

I would cut my losses and run. He has lost respect for you, hence his sudden change of attitude towards you and your 'relationship'. Don't bother getting into games of not being available, just find someone who treats you with respect and not someone who treats you like an inconvenience now the glow of lust has worn off.

Cabrinha Tue 08-Mar-16 10:14:03

I agree with all of that except the seeing each other once a week?! shock
Unless forced by circumstance, does anyone in the first flush only want to see their <whatever you want to call it> once a week?!

HotNatured Tue 08-Mar-16 12:12:53

It's not a case of not wanting to, it's a case of being careful.

This is coming from a woman who always rushed into relationships, seeing each other all the time and then invariably, things would die a miserable death as it was all too much too soon. Leave them wanting more !

I've just come out of therapy for my relationship issues. I always steamed in, like a headless chicken, they always declared love, I was 'the one', let's go on holiday, let's move in together, seeing each other all the time even when tired and grumpy, then we would start to get fed up of each other. I can't tell you the amount of times I've been left thinking WTF after the intensity has worn off.

I'm now dating again, and my approach is completely different. I have met an amazing man. I absolutely love being around him, he feels the same. But, we have both been burnt before by rushing in. Not seeing each other doesn't mean we don't want to see each other, quite the opposite. This way feels healthy and right. It gives us time to see our friends, concentrate on work (both have highly pressured jobs), kids, hobbies, we both travel regularly with work, etc etc. When we see each other it's wonderful. We both love the way it's going. It's only been two months ! We will step things up over the next few weeks, but really, what's the rush ! Good things are worth waiting for.

wibblywobbler Tue 08-Mar-16 19:03:47

Thanks, that makes so much sense. It upsets me to think that he has lost respect for me, but I think he may have done. He wasn't straight with me and as we dated I found out he was a lot more religiously observant than I, I don't stick my religions rules and am rather liberal. He isn't. I have felt rather judged on one occasion by him and it made me withdraw. Or maybe I am just being naive and he lost respect for me because we rushed into the relationship too soon and he thought I put out too soon. But I really do feel he was the one hurrying the relationship along, not me.

But then I lost respect for him when he started snapping at me and his joking, disparaging way of talking about women.

When we first got together, I had to tell him to back off. He was just there for me 150%! From offering me money to giving my daughter his old mobile when he happened to upgrade and later on in the week the battery in hers exploded. And repeatedly wanting to come to my birthday meal, when it was just women and no one knew I was in a relationship as it had only been 2.5 weeks! He wanted to prove himself by putting himself out of his comfort zone for me, I had to tell him eventually that I was telling him not to come, not because I wanted to save his feelings, but because I really didn't want him there! I felt I had to tell him to leave me alone!

Now he's snappy and tired, but perks up when he thinks sex is on offer. And he has got lazy with that aswell. Ugh!

I have given him a lot of leeway as he was upfront about the fact that give him a problem and he can work out a solution but put a person in front of him and he is completely lost. He has stopped some annoying behaviour when I have pointed them out to him, so I thought he was taking what I was saying on board. He also displays a lot of ASD symptoms, I spoke to a friend whose husband has aspergers and she said it was like I was just describing her relationship with her husband. So I thought if he was on the spectrum a lot of things were out of his control and made excuses for him. But whether he is on the spectrum or not, I am not happy and I am not going to be. So there's no point pursuing it. And definitely not having sit down conversations after nine weeks.

What a disappointment! (And a lucky escape!)

Slowdecrease Tue 08-Mar-16 19:25:15

For both, I think. I don't mean that nastily, just that you're clearly massively incompatible so its best left.

wibblywobbler Tue 08-Mar-16 19:42:31

no I know, and you're right. Thanks

LineyReborn Tue 08-Mar-16 20:22:22

I know it's disappointing, but it's really good you can spot this so early on.

BoyGirlBoy3 Sat 12-Mar-16 11:12:00

What did you decide op?

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