7 months in and struggling with new partners sons!!!

[dadaboutthehouse]

hi all.....brand new member so please be gentle:-)

Im a dad to three junior school aged girls and my partner of seven months, has two boys aged 6 and 3......all the kids get on really well with each on the whole and my girls love my new partner, they also love their mums new partner too.....i share custody with my girls mum and I usually see them every day in some capacity.

My problem is predominantly with my GF's 6 year old old, although the lack of respect he shows has a trickle down effect on his younger brother. As time has gone on, I find him to be very disrespectful to both his mother and myself (.....im very big on respect and discipline, i know my girls arent angels, im aware of their flaws and i would be very quick to come down hard on them, if they were ever disrespectful to another adult in my presence)......i also find him to be very sly,calculating and whiny

The 6 year old is clearly her favourite and he is rarely held to account for anything he does, like deliberately hiding my car keys/cash cards when im over there and lets us look for hours before he is found to have been hiding them!!......he has peeled off massive pieces of wallpaper in my home and isnt punished for it, other than a quick telling off.......he is very quick to get his younger brother in trouble with fake crying after a squabble, yet gets away with it loads of times when he does the hitting......im convinced she sees all this but perhaps fears the knives are out for him so tries to play things down....my GF allows me to discipline both boys as i allow her the same with my girls, but i know from instances with members of the public, she hates anyone attempting to tell them off for anything, even when she knows they have needed it......where as i would totally accept a stranger or friends and family telling my kids off for misbehaving.

The oldest walks past the bathroom during the night, to use our en suite sometime 2 to 3 times a night and wakes us up with lights on and talking,often trying to get in with us afterwards and takes the hump when my GF says no (...which then often prompts him to start coughing in his bed for the next half hour, till my GF thinks he needs some asthma meds and starts worrying if he needs the doctors in the morning!!!!).......all attention seeking and purely because he hasnt had his own way.....the cough may continue all night, or come back in a few days......sometimes very voilently and she insists hes a sleep when he does it, but im not convinced!!

i have sleepily raised the point of how coughing fits always follow a no answer to getting in the bed, or a no answer to " can i play on the kindle? " at daft o'clock in the morning!....and my GF doesnt deny it, or admit it...i think she is embarrassed........these broken nights effect everyone the next day and along with the genuine wake ups during the night for sickness,bad dreams etc....take their toll the next day

Acting up at the table, back chat, moodyness etc are all common place and punishment is threatened by their mum often...but they both know really that it rarely happens, especially for the older boy........my GF works in childcare and is very strict with those kids, which seems to baffle me even more!!

she wont usually tell her boys off if we are in public because she doesnt want to embarrass them, but if its serious enough, you shouldnt allow kids that luxury surely??......she talks a lot about not wanting them to be fearful of her, but i think my girls arent fearful of me, they just have a healthy respect!!!......her eldest even tells her off for shouting at him after he has done something and she just kind of takes it!!

im sure its plain to see he's got under my skin, i'm annoyed with my self for this but cant seem to do much about it........very sorry about the length of this post, i could have filled it ten times over with more frustrations:-).......i love my GF and want this to work otherwise i would have called time on the relationship before now, just looking for some input please...thank you

[Secretlove]

Your attitude to discipline is very old-fashioned (let strangers tell your dc off?) and I think you have blended your families ridiculously soon.

[Jan45]

Not even read your whole post.

How you parent is up to you, just as it is up to your G/F but from what you write you are polar opposites and from personal experience myself, I'd say this is doomed.

The only way a blended family works is if the two parents are pretty much on the same page, all of the time.

You two have not even got the ground rules compatible.

[MissTessmacher]

I'm not even going to address the details of your post.

You and your girlfriend are insane for expecting small children to adapt to a blended family situation after their parents having dated for 7 months.

Insane.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Sorry PPS are right, it's much, much too soon to be living together! You should still be in the getting to know each other stages.

Why such a rush to move in?

If you and your DP have very different parenting styles, then it's bound to get far harder for you, as all the children grow and bring new challenges. You need to be on the same page to be able to parent together effectively, and you just aren't.

You'll grow more resentful over her children, and this isn't good for anyone; least of all the children.

I'm sorry to say, but if you two can't meet in the middle on your parenting then you'll be unlikely to last.

[Stillunexpected]

In a relationship of SEVEN months, I would expect your children to barely have been introduced to each other, never mind being expected to be part-time living together and playing happy families! Your expectations are ridiculous. No wonder the 6 year old is playing up.

[goddessofsmallthings]

my girls love my new partner, they also love their mums new partner too

Far from having a "healthy respect" for you, I suspect your girls don't dare do anything else except profess their 'love' for the strangers you and their mother have put in place as addtional parents to them.

Why would your gf "fear the knives are out" for her 6yo ds?

Please end your relationship and put an end to this little boy being scapegoated by your dictatorial and oppressive approach to parenting.

[NickiFury]

You sound awful. Please show your GF this thread. I would want to know if my BF was thinking like this about my children, so I could dump him immediately. Go on, show it to her right now.

[DharmaLlama]

When did his parents split up? Children shouldn't be introduced to new partners for at least a year after a split, in an ideal world, and not before a couple has been together for around 6 months and shouldn't be even talking about living together for probably a year or so after that. Why the huge rush?

He may well be doing all of those things, but there is no ways he should be living with you after 7 months of being with his mum. It's too much for him to deal with and I feel sorry for them.

For what its worth, 6 was my least favourite age of my son but the last thing that would have helped him through it was having to move to the home of a strange man (which is exactly what you are to him) and have him tell him off.

Oh, I've just seen this.

all attention seeking and purely because he hasnt had his own way
HE IS 6 YEARS OLD, FFS. It is perfectly normal and appropriate and valid for him to seek the attention of his mother when he needs reassurance, and boy does he need it when he has been uprooted like this and sees his mother divert her attention to a stranger. Do you think it's really a co-incidence he directs his acting out to hiding your keys etc? He is only little.

It's a bit late now that you have moved them in, expecting it to all be perfect and for them to just adapt to you guys being in love and what you want. I think you need to reflect on this a little more carefully and with a huge amount more compassion.

[Vixxfacee]

I had terrible step father's when I was young. A few sounded like you.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Christ, even I, as a childfree guy, would think any parents of small children that move in together after less than a year together are selfish twats who are only thinking of themselves and not giving their poor children any thought at all.

And that's before I read all of your post, which makes me question your attitude to parenting anyway.

[cbigs]

Wowzers op, you did not think this post through...

[Cabrinha]

Are you living together or just staying over a lot? Please god it's the latter.

What on earth are you thinking?!

Of course this boy is going to be acting up! He's just been thrown into a situation with a whole bunch of strangers - 3 of whom are older girls that already live in the house so he really is suddenly displaced!

Side point: sweeping generalisation but borne out anecdotally in my social group so worth considering.
Junior girls: easy. Generally quite compliant and relative nature.
Infant boys: much harder work! Later to mature, more boisterous, more mischievous.
Also totally brilliant, but I think that you don't have a clue about raising boys! And you think your parenting is great because it's worked on your easy girls. (Mum to an easy junior girl by the way, my infant/junior boy owning mother friends just laugh that I'll get it in spades in the teenage years instead)

I can't believe the two of you have been stupid though to do this. Reverse the living together until this is resolved.

[crazyhead]

I don't have the same reaction to your disciplinary style as some readers (though I'm less strict myself) but this does all scream 'too early, not enough discussion or setting of rules'. Some of the stuff you mention (getting up loads at night) must be annoying but I don't think you know the situation well enough to judge it, really. Like, my sons are excellent sleepers and I have friends whose kids appear to be up all night, but I wouldn't feel qualified to judge whether this was really down to my superior discipline - I sort of doubt it. But these are friends I've known for 20 years.

Even you don't mind other people disciplining your kids (I wouldn't mind either, to the extent I wouldn't mind people enforcing their clearly stated house rules with my sons or gently rebuking them if they were rude) it is different with step kids. You and your partner need to agree house rules and she needs to be the lead enforcer - otherwise it'll be sheer poison. I dunno - if you are really committed to this, I'd get yourselves to step-parenting classes or something pronto

[goddessofsmallthings]

i know my girls arent angels, im aware of their flaws

You may be aware of what you perceive to be your dds' "flaws" but it doesn''t appear to have occurred to that you are a deeply flawed parent.
'
Your antipathy towards your gf's 6yo ds is most probably because your opinion of him as being "very sly,calculating and whiny" mirrors those undesirable qualities that are embodied in you.

What is particulary worrying is that you claim this child's "lack of respect" for you "has a trickle down effect on his younger brother" which suggests that if they are cursed burdened with you a stepparent these dc will lead dogs' lives and will fail to achieve their full potential.

It's to be hoped your gf will post here in the not too distant future and will heed the advice she'll be given to run a mile from a man like you.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Stop staying over. Her ds needs to be priority number one and he is making it clear he is not ready for or comfortable with this situation.

[dadaboutthehouse]

wow......thanks for taking it easy on a newbie...and for making huge assumptions about my living situations!!!!!!!

my GF and I do not live together, but i do still over at her house several times a week

i am fully aware that he is only a six year old and will be behaving like many six year olds do...perhaps what i was looking for was some advice on how to tactfully bring the conversation up again without upsetting my GF

i must say i am shocked with all negative responses from you all and no one offering anything constructive....hell, i half expected most of you would start shouting abut we must not be compatable, that im being too hard, or perhaps the boy has ADHD!!!!!.......but no anecdotes about similar experiences, how to raise it with my gf?, what you would think if this was happening to you??...harsh girls,very harsh!

[dadaboutthehouse]

except you cabrinha....thankyou for your comments

[mouldycheesefan]

Girls? The women here are not girls.
Go back to dating your girlfriend and leave the kids out of it for now. You can meet up when your ex partners have got the kids. It's all too soon and to say that "knives are out" for a 6 year old is frankly horrific. No wonder the poor kid is demanding attention from his mum at inconvenient times.

[dadaboutthehouse]

i did think it through cbigs....my first time on here and was looking for advice......what i didnt think through was that a lot of the criticism levelled at users of musmsnet ive heard about, might actually be correct....but hey, i always like to find out for myself:-)

[Cabrinha]

Can you not see though that staying over several times a week is just too much for this boy? And no wonder, it is very early days.

[maras2]

girls ? Oh dear.

[Jw35]

He's playing up because you're taking his mummy's attention! It's too soon to be blending families like this. I do have advice and that's to back off a bit! Sorry. The kids must come first. It's not a discipline issue,he needs to time to adjust. At the moment he's the 'man of the house', you need to earn his respect tbh before you start sleeping in his mummy's bed.

[mouldycheesefan]

Only stay over when her children are not there at this early stage. Let things develop,slowly at the pace of the children. It's too much for the six year old having you there several nights per week when you have only been together a few months

[DrMorbius]

harsh girls,very harsh

That's it Op call them girls, they really like that

[Cabrinha]

'man of the house'

If a 6yo has an attitude like that, then there's something bad with the way he is being parented. I sincerely hope that no-one's 6 year old feels their territory is being encroached upon and it is 'their' territory even though they are 6 because they are the resident eldest male. did I wake up in the Middle Ages?

He will be feeling pushed out though. As a child losing attention of it's mother though - not as the man of the house.