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Feel so hopeless, still.

(5 Posts)
Vonnie2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 12:37:32

Named changed for this as I know people on mumsnet.
11 months ago my husband dropped the bombshell that he didn't love me anymore and left me and my two DC's.
No other women etc.
Just wanted to be alone bla bla bla.
Anyway, 11 months on and am still no closer to getting over this. We were together for 15 years and I was so in love with him the problem is I still am.
He hasn't been horrible, he has been there for the kids etc.
I just miss him so much, recently I have been feeling quite depressed and now I am at that point where I feel I can't talk to friends as they have that 'you should be over it now' stance and I feel a bit stupid being so devastated.
I am the typical happy on the outside kind of person but inside I just feel lonely and pretty desperate.
Obviously I am tired because of looking after my two DC's alone, it's hard work but it's when I go to bed I still cry every night.
Am I just being pathetic? Should I still feel like this?
Please tell me this feeling doesn't last forever, because I am at the end of my tether.sad

Jan45 Mon 07-Mar-16 12:52:35

Well he should be looking after his children too no?

You should at least be getting a break at the weekend from them.

Also, I bet there is OW but that besides the point now.

You need to live your life OP, I know it must be really hard but it's the only way, you need to busy yourself socially and get out there and meet new folk.

Somerville Mon 07-Mar-16 15:25:57

Eleven months ago isn't very long at all. And anyway, it's about how you feel, not a set amount of time. You're still grieving and that is okay.

Speaking from experience of a marriage ending abruptly, the one year mark can get a bit tough. Have you been able to access any counselling? A good counsellor would be able to help you a lot, giving you time and space to process the changes to your life, and looking at how to move forward.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 18:19:37

I split with my ex three years ago and I'm still not ready to date anyone. That said, I'm not still missing him.

Do you get any adult time on your own or with friends? Is he doing his share of childcare? Do you think seeing a counsellor for a short course of therapy might help you move on? I think sometimes we do get "stuck" in patterns of grief, especially when the break up has been such a bolt from the blue.

On another note, someone once told me that the recovery time from a relationship, as a rule of thumb, should be twice as long in months as the relationship was in years. So if you were married 15 years, you could take 30 months as a reasonable recovery time. That's not to say you'll be grieving the relationship for the next 19 months, of course - just that it could be that long before you really feel ready to move on to another relationship, or just feel content to be alone.

Vonnie2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:47:23

Thank you for your replies,
Pocket he does his fair share of child care. In fact regarding the kids he has been the model father which makes it harder I think.
He is always available if I need him to watch the kids, which makes me think there isn't ow involved, not that it matters now. Yes, definitely not ready to date obviously wouldn't be fair on a man while I still have feelings for my ex, I am doing okay on my own. I am not happy but I am just okay.
Somerville I think you are right and counselling is my next step, sometimes I feel quite overwhelmed with it all so some help just sorting it out in my head might help. And I think the fact the one year mark has been looming so has been particular difficult the last few weeks. It's my DS birthday in a few weeks and he left just afterwards last year, so he was obviously holding out for my son's sake, so planning his birthday is bringing it all back.
I think I am just worried that I will always miss him, but I guess that's a normal worry isn't it? confused

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