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In an awful mess, please help

(22 Posts)
Goodgonegirl Mon 07-Mar-16 12:17:30

Please help me, as I am in a really messy situation and I don't know how to sort it out.

My ex husband and I split up over five years ago, after he had an affair. It was a horrible time, but we have an amicable relationship now. We have two children aged 16 and 18.

I moved away for work but came back to stay in the family home to see the children (who remained with their dad as they were settled in school) on the weekends. A few months ago I moved back to the family home - I wanted to live with my children again and my ex was happy for me to do this.

The problem is during my time away I met someone. He wants us to live together permanently, but he doesn't live near to where my children are. He wants me to move in with him but this would mean either leaving my children again which I don't want to do, or telling him I can't until next year when the youngest goes to uni.

I had planned to tell him this but his father is very ill, it's a bad time and I really don't want to hurt him. When I moved back I was going to finish with him but I couldn't. I love him a lot but felt conflicted as I really want to livewith my children. So I have been trying to keep him happy but spending weekends with him, but the problem is that by trying to keep everyone happy I have ended up not being truthful to anyone. My children do not know I have been seeing him, and neither does my ex. And my boyfriend thinks that they do.

I cannot keep this up any more and I just don't know what to do. I want to stay with my children but don't want to lie to them, but if I tell them (and my ex) I think my ex won't be happy for me to stay as I think he would like us to get back together. I don't want to break it off with my boyfriend as I love him and think we could have a future together, but just not yet. How can I sort this out so I am being truthful with everyone? I am currently in a very low paying job so cannot afford to rent and have the children with me.

Sorry this is so long but advice would be appreciated.


Goodgonegirl Mon 07-Mar-16 12:49:53


gonetoseeamanaboutadog Mon 07-Mar-16 13:01:08

I think you will have to be truthful with your boyfriend, at least, and tell him what you've said here. If I were you, I would ask him to wait to continue the relationship until you're free to do it properly.

pictish Mon 07-Mar-16 13:05:40

Mmm...yes, you're in a pickle. Well...I think your boyfriend ought to wait it out for the time being, so you should be honest with him about the state of play. If he's a good man, he'll understand even if he is disappointed.

Then I suppose you should tell the kids then your ex that you're in a serious, long term relationship.

You haven't done anything wrong here and i don't think you have anything to hide.

Quityabitchen Mon 07-Mar-16 13:09:11

Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him exactly what the situation is. And tell your kids, they're not infants, they may well be supportive and happy you have met someone new. As for the ex, well, he's an ex for a reason, but I would still be honest with him too - especially if he's hoping for a reconciliation.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Mon 07-Mar-16 13:13:09

You should never have moved back in with your Ex. You are letting him think, that you may get back with him, whilst all the time seeing another man. This is very unfair of you. You are also giving your children the impression that you are going to be a family again, even though this isn't ever going to happen. And last but not least, you are messing your BF around. Surely he can't be happy, that you're staying with your Ex? And where does your Ex and your kids think you disappear to every weekend? Surely the point of living with them, was to have more family time. How can you do this, if every weekend you leave?

You say that you can't afford to rent, but you must have had rental expenses when you moved away?

How far away does BF live? Could you rent somewhere in between his town and your home town. You could have your children over to stay with you.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 13:16:58

Well, no surprise if your XH thinks you might get back together - sounds like you never actually divorced (?) and now you're living back with him! It's the kind of situation that requires you to be explicit that it does not mean you're getting back with him - have you told him that?

I would be very angry if I was your boyfriend if I found out you'd moved back in with your husband! Like, dumping angry. I'd find that hard if I trusted you weren't with your ex - but you'd destroy our relationship completely if you didn't even tell me before it happened! And if I found out your ex hadn't been explicitly told it wasn't a reunion...

That said, if he loves you, he should wait for your 16yo to go to uni. My fiancé and I are waiting 2 years before we live together, for a uni start. It's no big deal in second 'marriages' I think - the practicalities are always more complicated.

What you need to do?

1. Be ready to rent a room/flat when you move out
2. Tell your ex that you don't want to get back together with him, and does that change you living in the house?
3. If yes, move into the flat - you can still see your kids just not live with them. Or ask if he'll move out
4. If no, it's fine to stay... Tell your boyfriend. Be prepared to be dumped, but honestly time with your kids again is probably more important
5. Start the divorce - if I'm right that it hadn't happened, then the lack of divorce and financial settlement is probably the reason you're stuck unable to house you and your children

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 13:18:52

Truth is the answer here.

allegretto Mon 07-Mar-16 13:21:13

Really, just tell everyone the truth here - trying to save bad feelings is not helping anyone.

lunar1 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:30:51

You have to tell the truth. Your poor ex should know there is no hope of reconciliation, that may be the only reason he was happy for you to move back.

Who owns the house?

Goodgonegirl Mon 07-Mar-16 14:22:02

Thank you for your replies. To answer a few questions:
We are divorced. There was no financial settlement. The house is in his name.

I know I need to be honest with everyone. My boyfriend accepted me moving back as he hoped it would be temporary. But I need to ask him to wait, and also be honest with my ex too.

My kids do know about my boyfriend. But it's not something we talk about. I know this needs to change too. It has been a difficult time and I didn't want to make it worse, and they did meet about four years ago but they never mentioned it since, and I didn't want to push it.

As I write this I realise I am being unfair to everyone. I just don't want to cause unnecessary hurt to anyone but I realise that being dishonest has caused this problem and it is entirely my fault.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 07-Mar-16 14:28:20

I think moving back in with your ex was a seriously big mistake and unfair on everyone - your kids, your boyfriend, your ex and probably yourself.

Your boyfriend may wonder if the reason you're postponing things is because you're not so keen after all, now that you've moved back in with the ex, and perhaps will wonder if you are now "keeping your options open" or messing him about.

You need to tell your boyfriend the truth but I'm afraid you may have to accept that you may lose him. Because in his shoes, if I discovered all this, and that you'd been lying to him, I wouldn't trust you and I'd dump you, sorry.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 14:37:30

Why didn't you have a financial settlement? You were married, didn't matter whose name the house was in. How have you ended up unable to house yourself? Who was the higher earner? What did your solicitor say?

If you don't have a financial agreement at all, and haven't as part of one signed away the right to future claims, get on it now.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 14:38:12

I'm not massively concerned about your poor husband's expectations here, as he's a cheating bastard anyway.

Goodgonegirl Mon 07-Mar-16 15:01:37

The divorce was a DIY one so no solicitor. Bad move, I know. I may be cynical, but I can't help thinking that he wants us to get back together so he won't have to pay me any settlement.
I know now it was a mistake to move back. My youngest child had a health scare so I wanted to be with him, otherwise I probably wouldn't have, although I missed them like crazy.

Ideally I would like to stay living here to be with the kids, with everyone knowing that I see boyfriend every other weekend, but I cannot imagine ex or boyfriend being happy with that, understandably. I am just afraid that if I am honest with both of them I will end up renting a room near the kids but not being a proper mother to them like I am now, and also without my boyfriend who I love very much. My kids love me being here and would be upset if I left: they have been though a lot and this is a tough year for them with exams etc.

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 15:42:38

Right, well you need to see a solicitor. Now.
IIRC you can't do a Consent Order without a solicitor approving it. And IIRC that's the bit where you give up future claims.
So you may not have totally fucked yourself over WRT marital assets.
If you get your fair share in financial agreement, can you afford to rent a big enough place for the kids to stay over with you in?

Cabrinha Mon 07-Mar-16 15:46:23

Your ex has happily accepted you back living in the house. I know it's only been a few months, but I wonder if that fact would make it hard for him to get an occupation order? Solicitor would know.

I would tell your XH that you just want him to be clear you're not back for a reconciliation. No need to mention your boyfriend. Once he knows you're not back for a reunion, it's none of his cheating arse business who you're seeing. So that just leaves your boyfriend to tell. I wouldn't like it, but I might accept it if it was very temporary, you had good reason, and I loved you.

Goodgonegirl Wed 09-Mar-16 21:53:07

Thanks cabrinha, I will look into that.

So, make sure my ex knows we are not getting back together

See if my boyfriend will 'wait' for me for a year (while we do long distance)

And telling my kids that I am in a relationship and hoping they accept it.

Thanks all

Then tell my k

TheoriginalLEM Wed 09-Mar-16 22:02:19

How do your children feel about it (if you have spoken to them?) I only say this because my DD1 moved out when she was 17 so it might not be as bad now they are older. Do you think the children think that you are back with their father?

Would you still be able to see your children at weekends? have them come to stay?

Goodgonegirl Wed 09-Mar-16 22:17:02

I think my daughter, especially would like us to be together. But I hope they would be okay about it. I would still go to see them, and of course they could come to stay with me and new partner.

springydaffs Wed 09-Mar-16 22:22:01

I don't get this. He cheated yet it was you who moved out. You didn't get a settlement and are now on the bones of your arse. Ex is happy for you to be living there so he doesn't have to pay you anything.

It looks to me that the whole thing has been DIY. I don't know the circs but it's very unusual for a mother to leave her kids - what happened that that happened?

By DIY I mean it looks like you're clutching the edge of the family blanket and trying to get comfortable. It looks like you have to snatch what you can, almost apologetically. You're not telling ex about your new man bcs it could mean you'll again be cast out of your children's lives.

It all sounds nuts. If you had had a proper settlement you would have had an adequate property to house the kids (it may even have been the marital home until the youngest is 18). Instead your skulking around on the outside of everything - when you could have expected to be right at the centre.

Whose idea was it to do the DIY divorce? The one where you got no settlement and ended up cast out and he kept the house and the kids. Was that bcs the house was in his name? And bcs you didn't go to a lawyer you didn't know at least half of all marital assets, including the house, was yours, regardless whose name was on the deeds of the house or who owned what accounts.

I may be wrong but I can't help feeling you've been done. Now you're skulking about bcs you love someone else - when you have every right to be happy in a relationship. Your cheating husband wants you back so you can do the housework and will chuck you out if he knows about your new relationship. Yet you call it 'leaving them again' but from here it looks like you're not the one making the choice, at least not this time. Though I'm not clear what happened the first time you moved away, or why.

TheNaze73 Thu 10-Mar-16 08:01:38

I would feel so wronged if I was your boyfriend here. It doesn't sound like you've actually divorced to me. I think you should tell your new guy everything, reassure him you have a future but, not quite yet. Children need to come first

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