How long will it take....

[Overloadtoad]

I was asked to move out of the house 2 years ago. We are in a foreign country with no means of me staying on (Visa wise) when the marriage ends. This means returning to the U.K. alone in June with just a suitcase at 39 years of age.

I have an 8 year old son and will have to leave him behind to start afresh. She sold the house and we split the proceeds but I left pretty much all the contents with her as I did not want my son to have any further disruption.

I am over trying to aportion blame for the whole mess. We were are living in her country of birth and I had intended to stay here forever. I understand that shit happens I just feel like the situation is extremely unjust. I have lost my home, will soon lose regular visitation with my son due to the distance, my job, my circle of friends, the country I have lived in for the last 8 years. In a nutshell I am at a place where I cannot see much if any light at the end of the tunnel. I am fairly introverted and the idea of forging new friendships/relationships at this age is terrifying. I am probably being dramatic but I almost feel like I am going to arrive in the UK and feel like a released convict. Suitcase full of clothes and nowhere to go hahaha.

Anyway I am on antidepressants and do see a therapist regularly. I just do not see how it is possible to rebuild a meaningful life after all of this. Initially I thought that the pain would fade relatively quickly but I now realise that its a long complicated process and fear that I may never actually recover fully.

I am suffering terribly from lonliness but couldnt begin another relationship in this country if I tried. It simply would not be honest. Maybe when I get over there and after I have had a few years more to heal things will look different. I do fear that having so little will make me an unappealing proposition so often wonder if its better to reconcile to the idea of just being alone permanently.

Anyone else here started again from scratch? Or had a divorce that cost you more than the regular divorce seems to? I am taking serious strain emotionally and whilst I am still putting one foot infront of the other often wonder if I am ever going to be happy again...