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I thought things would get easier but they havent

(32 Posts)
Goingtobeawesome Mon 07-Mar-16 11:38:51

I spent my childhood in foster care in many placements.

I was abused by a foster parent physically and her husband more intimately.

I was moved and had an okay home. First boyfriend. Loved him totally. Together years.

Years ago a civil case was brought and the abuser was found guilty in the civil judgement. I was awarded costs and damages (about £200k). Paid nothing. DH has paid the legal bill. Last year he was sent to prison after I went to the police.

DH and I have obviously had issues in the bedroom due to the abuse but things are better but we have separate issues now so it rarely happens. I'm currently medically unwell and extremely emotionally unwell.

My ex has been in and out of my life and then he came to court. I really hoped he would say no to helping. He's married and both have feelings still.

We have been talking on and off for a few months. It's been great as cleared lots of things up. Lots of if only's and lots of tears. We don't see each other. It's just texts with the odd call, DH knew and has told me I'm not allowed to talk to him.

The three biggest things that cause me pain are being rejected by parents/abusive childhood, abuse and not getting over my ex. I can't separate them as to what causes the most pain.

Currently being ignored by social services who don't give a shit. Same with the extremely high profile ex employer of the abuser. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me want to self destruct. I told DH talking to my ex was all about him leaving me as he deserves a lovely wife who isn't broken and who isn't hard work. I'm used to pain. Happiness scares me. I want to spend friendly time with ex (not sex) and just feel safe and whole for a bit.

Saw GP for medical stuff. Cried. She said nothing wrong but would refer to hospital for mind putting at rest. I do have something wrong and have a prescription also referred for a scan and to see another doctor. She thought I was crying about the trial and referred me for talking therapy. I was crying about my ex. It's the only thing guaranteed to make me cry really. Rejected for therapy as don't meet criteria. Quite possibly going through early menapause. GP says not. Started taking tablets for stress and anxiety. I go a bit woo on them so taking them when going to bed to sleep.

I want to be able to say, it's all shit, it happens but now it needs to vanish from my head but I don't know how too.

I'm so scared posting this. Worried RL people will recognise me. If you do, please PM me. Worried I'd get told I'm a bitch for talking to my ex. Etc etc etc.

Dowser Mon 07-Mar-16 11:51:12

That's a very honest and frank account awesome. I understand why you are talking to your ex, it sounds like you are trying to make sense of what happened inthepastbetween you.

A bit of closure if you like. ( something a lot of us might like but are denied)

I hope you can both see it as a bit of work that needed to be done so that it can be put to bed as part of the past. Then you can concentrate on being truly loving and giving in your present relationships.

I hope someone will come along to help who has more experience of the things you have discussed.

You and your DH deserve happiness. He sounds a good man.

VocationalGoat Mon 07-Mar-16 11:51:15

Yes OP, sh*t happens, but it stinks and stains too.
You are going through a process and as painful as it is, you have to honour it, hold it up to the light and look at it for what it is.

Your issues are all related and your ex was the buffer during the car crash that was your life. I say was but the past is relevant and it's with you, staining your present.

Matters of the heart, love, attachment, safety, the familiarity and softness you feel with ex is something I'd never advise you or judge you on. That's your heart and only you and your ex will find out where that will go. I hope to a good place. You need that, deserve that. And I'm sorry that your DH isn't the person who can make you feel safe and protected.I'd like to say that YOU need to be the needs to start with you. But that's sort of bullsh*t, imo. You need a buffer. We all need protection, unconditional love. All of us.

How can you be your own protector when you've been so broken by people you trusted?

Take all the therapy you can get. Take your time. Try and find trust again. I hope the pain of your past stops reverberating. As for early menopause, that can be medically well managed so that it doesn't interfere with your well-being. That's the easy bit. Get that

Dowser Mon 07-Mar-16 12:01:26

Tell us what's lovely about DH ?

Tell us what you like about yourself?

No negatives allowed. If a negative thought comes up, you must cancel it out with two positive ones ;-)

Remember, you are a lovely, gorgeous, human being. You have compassion. You are unique. There's only one of you and as such you are to be cherished.

By yourself and everyone who comes into contact with you.

So, what lovely about awesome ?

Goingtobeawesome Mon 07-Mar-16 12:02:23

I have to go and do something for a few minutes, while I process what you have both written, but for now I just want to say THANKYOU SO MUCH for being so kind. It scares me actually how on the money you both are and it makes me wonder why the counsellors haven't go it in hours of talking (minutes with a couple I never saw again) when you have in a few sentences. Thank you. I can't tell you what it means. I will come back properly but right now, I need to finish something. Thank you.

Dowser Mon 07-Mar-16 12:17:30

Awww. Thank you. Life can turn on a sixpence. I always expect good and positive things and most times it happens.

When I get a bit of a bummer and reflect on it , it would not always have been inmy best interests.

For eg..I really wanted me andmy exh of 30 years to get back together.
Now so glad we didn't. I'm so much, happier withmy new DH

I've been through a lot ofcrap and shit but you know what awesome...I consider myself well blessed

I've got to go and get my massage now. It hurts like hell but I feel so much better afterwards.

Keep putting your feet one I front of the other. When you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, give yourself a cheeky wink , a big smile and say ' hi gorgeous'

Loving yourself starts right now ;-)

Goingtobeawesome Mon 07-Mar-16 12:30:19

Dowser - it is about getting closure. We had a few break ups but always got back together and always knew we would. Then the last time turned out to be the last time but didn't know it would be. Then I was abroad for a while, then told he'd got married..He hadn't. So I let myself fall for someone else for real.

DH is amazing. I can't say every thing he has done but in a nutshell we have had baby losses, baby problems, MH issues a lot, etc etc etc and he has always bar one time never let me down. Tbh we were smug married with each other. We were totally solid and secure and while it wasn't perfect (bedroom issues coupled with keeping something from me) it was pretty damn good. Now I'm scared it never will be again.

What is lovely about DH is he loves me. Even broken, damaged, rubbish me. And if he can see I'm worth loving why can't anyone else. Why couldn't my parents. Why couldn't social workers care for me. So it is good but hurts too.

I don't like anything about myself. I'm emotionally cheating on DH if I'm honest by talking to my ex. But I'm here for my kids. I haven't left them.
I do make amazing food though for everyone not fed as a kid much.

VG - you say you can't advise but you have been so helpful that it is advice in a way. I see it as permission to acknowledge it is okay to still care about someone, not permission to have an affair and never would. We both know if we were single we would spend time together but I couldn't cheat on DH. It would break his heart and I love my DC more than me so wouldn't want to mess their world up. I know that is crap when it happens.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 07-Mar-16 12:40:12

Dowser - I missed your message <checks glasses>. I'm glad you are happy with your new DH. I hope it lasts forever and just gets better.

I just thought i don't need ex to make me feel better about myself. I think I've been seeking love from him as no one else offered and I didn't want it from anyone else.

I definitely get the six pence thing. I go up and down so much that I don't know where I am and each time I cry or pine for him I'm scared I'll never get over him and think I have to do something about it.

Dowser Mon 07-Mar-16 23:22:20

You've been on my mind all day. I hope you've had a better day today .

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 07:46:14

I had a really good morning as I got jobs done and didn't message him. Then he messaged me. Ego boost hmm. But he makes a lot of jokes and sometimes I take them to heart. He said something flirty but I did not respond yet I ended up feeling crap that he didn't answer my last message and just went home. I realised that I felt worse after he messaged me than if he hadn't at all. I have to go cold turkey. We've tried many times and the most recent one was about six weeks. It got easier each day. Then get drawn back. It isn't as much about how he treats me (he has times where he is supportive and lovely) but how I react when I feel he's taking the mick or ignoring me. It needs to be about me and not him, no one else would be allowed to get to me like this. I need to accept whatever it is and get on with life but I don't know how too.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 10:01:00

Today's plan is - long term gain not short term happiness with yet another crash to sadness.

Dowser Tue 08-Mar-16 10:57:36

When I had my wakeful period in the early hours, that I get too many off, this came to me. I reckon it's for everyone who needs a bit of upliftment.

Why it should come, I dont know. I haven't heard it on ages but I thought of you and the impression I got was it doesn't matter how bad things are there's always someone who has a listening ear, a helping hand...sometimes you have to reach out first...but they are there.

I reckon you've already taken that step.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm, there’s a golden sky
And the sweet, silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 11:09:22

Dowser flowersflowers. Thank you so much for sticking with me. I'm sorry I've been bugging your mind.

I've just had an email related to the really hard times I am going through. I'm claiming a win though as didn't message ex. I would normally use it as an excuse to text him. I've realised I shouldn't be looking to him to make me feel better. I've realised I've always just wanted him to care. I know he does. He told me he loved me. I need to stop needing validation so much, not that I knew it was called that until I read it on here. My DH loving me should be enough.

I've made a lasagne, a rice pudding and put all the washing on. I've hoovered all over and know what everyone is eating for lunch and tea. I have hurt my wrist so I'm resting for a bit now.

Thank you [good chocolate, not cadburys shit].

Dowser Tue 08-Mar-16 11:22:44

Your post this morning awesome is really insightful.

Read it back a few times and just let it sink in what you've said.

I reckon you've nailed it and I don't think you need those ' sugar rushes' . He's like a little hit of a drug. Gives you a little high then it's the crash down.

Someone who really had your best interests at heart would answer ASAP. Ask how you were,encourage you to keep putting one foot In front of another ,will you to keep ongoing forward...there would be no mixed meanings In their messages. Just pure, straight from the heart honesty and concern.

Maybe it's time to withdraw..whenever I've been in a toxic situation I imagine from my solar plexus ( abdomen) to the other persons is a cable with a socket on the end. I mentally remove that cable so they can no longer feed on my energy. Your solar plexus is your energy centre. Have you ever been around energy stealers? My exh was one. Creating chaos, unhappiness and confusion that would leave me drained,exhausted and tearful. I learnt to deal with him by protecting my energy in a little bubble and removing his cable every night. Even when he had long flown the nest.

I saw a birthday card ...only the one time. I'm sure it held a message for me. No man is worth your tears. A good man will never make you cry.

Sometimes messages come to us in the strangest of ways. I'm not into reading my stars but bored one day I did...and these words leapt out at are more protected than you think. I really took that on board and yes I believe I am. ( hope that doesn't sound too woo.)

I had another think about you yesterday. What would Grown up Awesome say to Little awesome. Maybe you could write ' her' a letter. I don't want to put words into your mouth but something along the lines of

You deserved to be looked after then and you weren't but you sure as hell are looked after now because no one or nothing will ever hurt my ' inner child' again.

Hope this helps ;-)

Dowser Tue 08-Mar-16 12:01:37

Something else I remembered. While I was getting my back done my lovely Russian therapist was telling me ( we have become good friends) that when living in Germany he suffered a bout of depression. The doctor prescribed him a course of whole spectrum b vitamins. As doctors are allowed to prescribe some herbs and vitamins in Germany .

Both mr Dowser and I take b vitamins every day.we like the drops that you take under your tongue called b total. They are in a white plastic dropped bottle and I believe I got them off amazon.

I take them because of the Alzheimer's risk that runs through my family...but I thought I would share the info in case it helps someone. Mr D takes them because he had a stroke in january .

Even though we eat well our food is so denatured now we aren't always sure we are getting all our daily intake of vist and mins.

In fact we are going to have a walk into town today so I can buy some more herbs. I'm going to start making herbal tinctures when I get home. Even with the price of the vodka they will still be cheaper than what I buy from Vogels. I'm really excited about this as its a new venture for me.

( as you can see I really look after myself. It's where it all starts and with all the red flags in my family, Alzheimer's and heart disease , it's no point waiting till the chips are down, if I want to have a long and happy life with DH ,we need to be proactive. )

Hope you have an even better day than yesterday. The food sounds good. Gosh, you're awesome...;-) DH is on food, I'm on health lol!

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 12:05:50

It's nearly midday and I've not messaged him. I have wanted too but I have resisted. Part of it is I want him to message first as then I feel he wants too but a bigger part is self protection. I've also realised that the issues that DH and I have would never felt an insurmountable problem if I didn't have the ex saying stuff. He's making me realise what I am missing and would like in life but the fear of being without DH is heart stopping.

Before Christmas my ex really opened up. Not like him. He said he liked it. It was good for both of us but agonising too. He has a very busy life and it hurts that I would always make time for him but he wouldn't if he was at home. He's right though in his priorities. I just sometimes don't like it. I realised today I wanted to be number one sometimes with him but that twatty thought was dealt with as I had really bad chest pains for a while.

I wasn't allowed to talk about the bad stuff that happened when I was small. I was just removed and it was as if it never happened. So now I'm stuck with trying to work through it with all the added baggage and with everyone else wanting to forget about it. The ex and I never had closure. We never had the talk where we are finished, good bye and when we have stopped contact it has been heart broken strop (me) or cold leave me alone (him as he knew we were both getting in too deep). We know we need a final good bye but I'm not sure either of us really wants too.

Everything you say helps, Dowser. I'm being listened too..

Dowser Tue 08-Mar-16 12:49:56

Oh dear. I so sorry that you've had heartbreak piled on top of heartbreak.

Did you ever say what was lovely about Mr Awesome. When I worked at relate we would go back to the beginning where I would get couples to look at what attracted them to each other. Then they could see if they have drifted away from that point and work towards how they could get back.

Maybe he was full of fun and now turned into a grump.

Maybe she was always well turned out but now never bothered....things that happen in a relationship often without us realising.

Sometimes it's just one change to kickstart the relationship again...because that person is still there...just been a bit buried by the stresses and strains of everyday life.

I never got closure with my exh. Sometimes it's impossible. He's dead now so it's never going to happen. I feel angry about that too. I went to the funeral but I can't say it helped me get closure.

Sometimes you just have to let it go.....rather than dwelling on the past...look to my wonderful present.

I love that saying, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift which is why it's called the present.

It never fails to cheer me up. Here I am in a beautiful place, with a lovely man , feeling loved and well cared for,.....what's not to like. Why should I dwell on what exh did. Nah! No way! I'm not listening that inner voice ;-)

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 13:02:11

My only complaint about DH is that he has no libido. He hid it from me for years, took medication, and when he hadn't and nothing happened I thought it was because I was fatter and he didn't fancy me anymore. Truth came out after hugely traumatic event late last year. So when I had ex telling me he thought I was nice....age old pathetic excuse. Actually, all my moans about DH would be to do with our love life and the fact it's always on his terms, won't compromise and makes me feel cheap.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 08-Mar-16 13:42:59

Do you mean he had erectile problems? That's different from having no libido i.e. not feeling randy.

Do you fantasize? (no need to answer! just posing questions) Who's in the fantasy, if so? Hopefully NOT repeat NOT your ex.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 14:32:10

He says he still fancies me but has no desire for sex. Likes it when we do with medical help. Is very tired and stressed. I'm worried for his health as my doctor told me to tell him to see a urologist. Says in his head he would like too sometimes. We have never been very active, his choice, but since the abuser is not in jail I feel a switch has been pushed and I am free to have sex with DH without bad memories. And DH can't without a pill. No spontaneity then.

Honestly, it is the ex but generally that kills off the pleasure as I feel guilty. If I think of him in the day then I'm all of a tingle ds. There is no special moment I can relive with DH.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 08-Mar-16 14:32:46

Tingle ffs [argh]

Dowser Wed 09-Mar-16 13:01:45

How are you doing today awesome .

Hope it's a good one.

Are you able to sort out some counselling for the childhood abuse. I thought someone might have been along to suggest an appropriate agency.

Only when you've dealt with that would I them go to relate with your husband.

After working on your relationship I would then ask them about some sexual therapy if it's needed. Sometimes when working with a relat counsellor sexual problems can be resolved but if it's any deeper then it would be best to get the help of a more trained sexual therapist.

When I worked for them the training was very rigorous. It took about 18 months to be accepted into the organisation and then there was a two year training period which was second to none.

We were all trained in the same place so we all passed out with the same high standards. Anyone deemed unsuitable would be given extra help. If that didn't work you would be asked to leave.

After working a few years as a counsellor if you wished you could go on to sex therapy work.


Dowser Wed 09-Mar-16 13:04:08

This is the route to be a counsellor. It seems to be a lot more qualification based now but I did it about 20 years ago.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 09-Mar-16 13:07:19

Hi, I spent the morning with my friend talking about my three big problems and not really knowing how I feel other than sad, tired, scared and frustrated.

I've been refused counselling. Am awaiting an appointment with someone who is a psycho-sexual health person. Referred by the doctor who diagnosed vaginal atrophy but looked at the bigger picture.

I love DH. I'm scared to be without him. My ex just gives me something I can't get from DH. We only exchanged a pointless few words yesterday but I felt fine, and feel fine at nothing today, so that is good.

My friend thinks I should send a letter I've written, as does DH, to my old social worker who I'm still in touch with. I don't want too as it will hurt and devastate her but DH and friend are saying I'm hurting too.

Dowser Thu 10-Mar-16 11:42:34

Let me just say that feeling, sad, tired and emotional is very natural after talking about deep seated problems.

I did a course of re evaluating counselling and taught it for a while. The basics of it being about discharging your emotions and reevaluationg the situation from a position of strength and a clearer idea of the information.

Some of the old hurts we hang onto are often things that really aren't true about ourselves. Often it's stuff weve had laid upon us when we were young and vulnerable from people older than us.

Discharging those hurts takes time and patience and like i said can leave us emotionally drained.

You often after a bout of crying feel sleepy. That's fine. Remember tears are the healing, the hurt has already happened.

Allow them to flow but always keep a reality check for the present. Always finish with something good about your life now. Don't leave yourself locked in the past.
Sorry I can't explain more
I need to get showered.
I'm having my back done again.

You can do this ;-)

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