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When it's great but doomed: any tips on just enjoying it while it lasts?

(23 Posts)
SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 00:04:53

I would rather not spoil whatever time is left in this relationship by whining, speculating and panicking. It was never going to be a longterm thing. I don't want a lifetime commitment, or monogamy, or any of that shit.
It was always going to be a short term bit of fun, even though there is immense sexual chemistry and we both genuinely like one another. I would like to stop thinking ahead to the spell of grim, grinding misery I will have to get through when it does all come to an end. Anyone else done this and got any tips?

whatdoIget Mon 07-Mar-16 00:12:15

That's a difficult one. Can you not just carry on as you are as long as you both enjoy it? Or are you planning to end it?

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 00:18:43

Planning to carry on and keep enjoying it. (Basically, the main problem is that I am 51 and a single parent, he is 31 and currently child-free - he is of an age where he is going to want to find his life-partner/the mother of his future DC soon).

whatdoIget Mon 07-Mar-16 00:21:36

Is that definite then? He wants children? 31 eh? Nice smile

whatdoIget Mon 07-Mar-16 00:26:12

If so, I don't know what I would do if I was you. I suppose being cynical, I'd probably expect that most relationships would probably end at some point sooner or later, whatever the circumstances, and better to have loved and lost and all that. Obviously that doesn't make it any less shit when it happens. But experience tells one that it can be got through and life will go on and it just takes time etc. Easy to say and harder to live through I know.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 07-Mar-16 00:29:52

So do you have an image of SGB in 10 years' time?

(I am 13 years older than you, btw, and have a thing we've labelled Loving Friends With Benefits with a lovely bloke my age. And the sex is some of the best I've ever had - I had thought my libido had gone forever after my divorce aged 59. I am committed to him, I don't know if he even thinks in those terms. We don't live together - perish the thought! But we are planning to dance down the years together...)

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 00:51:13

Hello, yes I have done this.

Not as big an age gap, but due to the children issue the relationship was always doomed.

Gosh, I wish I could give good advice but can't. I am a sensible woman but you fall for who you fall for unless you have a very strong capacity to block your own emotions.

I went into it, funnily, being the one who was bothered by the 10 year age gap and he was totally infatuated with me and saying age was just a number.

I think I was planning an ego boosting no string affair.

He was planning the hot older woman experience.

I think we both got more than we bargained for.

We fell in love very fast, completely not ever in "the plan" and within a few weeks we probably knew we were in trouble.

I wanted to make a go of things at that point and he felt like he could not consider it as a serious future potential because I would have been 42 or 43 at the age he would be wanting kids and for whatever reason he was talking himself out of it.

Sooo...I wanted things to develop, he wanted us to keep on seeing each other on a casual basis and so I called a halt to it.

He was still on POF and I felt I was living under the guilotine for him to meet someone else younger and leave.

So I ended it.

He was absolutely devastated in fairness, but he still admitted he did not see a future, so what could I do? Several months later and he is still finding it very hard to move on. I know he's been dating someone 15 years younger than me and it hurt badly - but I think he feels nothing for her.

I have been completely miserable without him. We were in love..what can ya do?

I still can't stay with him on the basis of it being for 6 months only for me to be dropped so figured he had to make the choice that I am the woman he wants and we can work out the kids thing. I am still young enough to have them in the next 2 - 3 years.

So I am a month out of walking away and still really hoping we end up back together and I know he is too but nothing would change. I know he's miserable an I am too but life is life.

I really hope you can work it out, it's such a hard situation xxx

PS: I have three freinds who married men much younger, and two gave up thir opportunityto have kids. they loved the woman and so didn't care. It can happen and I DON'T think it is that big a sacrifice as people think or say. I wuld far rather be married to the right person that to the wrong one with kids. And there are many ways to bring children and things into your life too.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Mar-16 01:18:26

The Billy Joel a cappella song 'The Longest Time' is about finding romance when you've given up hope but some of the lyrics apply themselves to continuing after a romance is over:

'If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write'

'Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong'

'Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is'

and, more pertinently,

'I don't care what consequence it brings
I have have been a fool for lesser things'

At 31 he can confidently wait another 20 years or more before he looks "to find his life-partner/the mother of his future DC2". In the meantime enjoy it while it lasts and celebrate it when it's over because it won't be the last romance, or whatever you want to call it, for you. .

All things must pass, including us, so make the most of whatever life brings while your sufficiently compos mentis to do so.

If you like this track check out 'Honesty' also by Billy Joel.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 10:06:48

Thanks everyone. At the moment I intend to go on enjoying the good times and remind myself that when it is all over I will have all these fabulous memories to look back on.
And that losing someone you enjoyed spending time with is miserable but doesn't hurt forever.

We have some serious shenanigans lined up for next weekend as it is so will just look forward to those....

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 10:54:30

How long has it been going on with him Solid Gold?

I admire your attitude. Nothing last forever

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 11:07:57

It's been about four months (with nearly a year of flirting and being friends beforehand). It got very intense very fast (too intense, probably). ANd it's not that it's over, it's just we had a bit of a prickly week (we don't see each other more than once a week but chat a lot online) and then a Proper Talk about maybe stepping things down a little bit.
We like each other very much, we have amazing sex, but it's just not going to last.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Mar-16 11:21:06

why was it prickly ?

Only1scoop Mon 07-Mar-16 11:27:03

SGB I remember you posting when you first properly met up. Time really does fly!!

Who instigated the 'stepping things down chat' was that you?

Slowdecrease Mon 07-Mar-16 11:27:22

Proper Talk four months in - arggh no!!! If you honestly believe it can't last then enjoy the intensity!! Revel in it and go out in a blaze of glory! No proper talking required

AnyFucker Mon 07-Mar-16 11:31:28

it's looking a bit "relationshippy" to me

who is getting the cold feet ? Why not just carry on as you are or is that, as I suspect, it's not really sustainable over the long term ?

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 11:39:08

Ah Solid Gold. Almost identical to me. A year as friends / flirting first - so we knew each other really well before it even began, then we got together and it was very intense very fast. Amazing sex, saw each other once a week and got on brilliantly. But it was never just sex. I have had relationships that were just sex before and this felt very different. Perhaps you're feeling that same sense?

I stuck it out for five months in the end before I ended it and that was three weeks ago and we've not spoken since.

To be honest, had I been 51 and he 31 I would have made the same choice as you - which would be to enjoy it while it lasted but being 37 myself I do actually want children as well. So spending 5 or 10 years with him while he sorts his life out would mean that he could then move on to his "forever family" and I would be left...well...fucked.

I felt for that reason that if he honestly did not see a future with me then I had to leave.

I just couldn't shake feeling hurt and rejected that he didn't want to commit to me / see a future as the age gap didn't seem that impossible - if he'd have chosen to work with it we could still have had a family and all that.

I honestly don't think you can pick or choose what you feel for someone, as I went into this from day one with him saying it was never forever and I knew that. I am an intelligent woman and not prone to believing in fairytales or being the exception to the rule but I found it incredibly frustrating and painful to be with someone I felt that way about and to know he wasn't seeign a future.

Like I said though, I really admire if you can do this. Like someone said it could be 10 amazing years or even 15 and most relationships even without an age gap would be lucky to have that.

I know it's hard to take one day at a time, but honestly, I took the other road and I am absolutely miserable without him and can't stomach the idea of getting back out there and dating!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 11:59:49

Oh we had a spat of sorts about a political/philosophical issue. Your basic difference of opinion. But there was/is other stuff going on as well. We have sorted it out (it's fine that we disagree: I will try to be less abrasive and he will try to be less butthurt).
He was the one who brought up scaling things down a little. We discussed it and it's OK. Without going into too much tedious detail, we are both into BDSM and there has been a BDSM dimension from the start - we are pulling back on one element of that and continuing to enjoy everything else that we have been enjoying.

I think I am a little sad because it was a further reminder that this is a finite thing. And while I went into it knowing it was going to be finite, how I feel right now is 'I will be OK when it ends but I don't want it to end just yet'.

But I also think that flouncing off and calling a complete halt now would be a bit daft and cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Slowdecrease Mon 07-Mar-16 12:07:03

Well lots of relationships are finite regardless of the circumstances...and if they're not they're no more guaranteed than anything else in this life. Enjoy and chill.

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 12:24:28

Yes, as long as you're getting what you want and need for it today that's the barometer for all relationships.

Unlike you I did want a future and monogamy so it was a different choice I had to make.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Mar-16 14:55:55

Brabit: sending you sympathy. I am not monogamous myself so at least that hasn't been an issue with us and never would be.

Right now things are still good. I just need to make sure I don't get stuck in a whiny mindset of wishing things were different - because the things that need to be different are not fixable. As it is, I am getting lots of wonderful sex and the company (and online chats) of someone who is fascinating, funny, very easy to talk to and all the rest of it. That will do nicely.

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 17:46:18

Well they say with breakups and losses it is 50% losing what you have and 50% losing the expectation you had of a future -so it sounds like you have absolutely no hope at all of this being permanent so maybe unlike me you aren't fantastising of it somehow working out - so half the battle won before you start.

I know how hard it is not to get stuck in the mindset of wishing things were different flowers it sounds a lot better and more satisfying than most relationships!!!

Unlike you I am sat here hoping he's going to phone and say "oh I can't live without you Brabit", and as long as you don't let yourself become quite that targic then hopefully you can accept something brilliant yet brief

Let me know how it goes?

Have to admit to being jealous!

SeaCabbage Mon 07-Mar-16 18:01:52

I had a similar thing and spent the first six months worrying that he would end it every time I saw him. Then I realised the old adage, don't worry about it til it happens. We lasted over a year and I am so glad I had that experience of being with him; I learned so much.

Maybe as time goes on, your feelings will get more manageable as the newness and excitement wears off. Can't you see him more often so you could maybe go off him a bit? grin

I think the pain is worth it. And I am sure you will keep up your friends and normal life around him so you will still have a good life when it's over.

You may well have longer than you think. I hope so.

brabit Mon 07-Mar-16 18:46:16

I am in the pain right now, and agree 100%, it is worth it.

Would not have traded being with him for anything.

Maybe that's just the answer Solid Gold, to accept it might hurt but that it was bloody well worth it.

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