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Really huge common is this?

(9 Posts)
88thacademyawards Sun 06-Mar-16 23:04:19

Not meant to be about anyone specific, but to give relevance...

An "old flame" who was somewhat economical with the truth beforehand (although I never had concrete proof) got back in touch to ask me for another chance and to apologise for him being previously "too scared" for intimacy. After very heartfelt phonecall, I did a bit of detective work and blatantly know he's in a (looks like serious) relationship with someone else. I messaged him to ask about it casually, and he denied seeing anyone and yet I know he's lying completely.

Also just had a very recent boyfriend who was active on dating websites behind my back and also cheated early in after pursuing me for a relationship with him for a very long time. I mean, going out of his way for several months to get me, then immediately cheating and doing various things to make me feel unimportant and rejected.

A very significant previous partner was caught on Adultwork, although I had no idea at the time and felt he told me absolutely everything.

I know not everyone is like this because I have a lot of close male friends who would die before doing anything like that - but as wondering how common is being a liar?

I feel quite shaken as with all these men I did genuinely trust them, almost even felt guilty for being suspicious.

I am not talking about little white lies, but massive manipulations, massive lies, hurtful ones and more to the point all three of these men who did this to me tried to turn the tables and made me believe I was paranoid, needy and as if it was all my fault or a "technical error" as if I was doubting my own sanity.

Have a just been unlucky lately or are there a lot more of these pricks around?

I'd hate to be in a position to stop trusting all people

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 06-Mar-16 23:15:17

I think the crux of the matter is this; people will lie if they think they can get away with it.

Doesn't matter gender, age, friend, relative, co-worker etc. If someone feels they have done something they shouldn't have and are confronted with the possibility of being caught out then they will lie if they think they can get away with it.

I'm absolutely no help to you, I know. But that is how I have come to cope with the huge betrayals of trust I have experienced.

88thacademyawards Sun 06-Mar-16 23:33:21

Oh I know, I know people lie. I'm not Polyanna or anything but was just wondring how many of them lie completely. As in fabricate a relationship or a persona...almost like a sociopath? or massive manipulation

pallasathena Mon 07-Mar-16 12:43:58

Most people are genuine. You've just been unlucky with your relationship choices o/p which begs the question why are you attracted to the twats?. Once your twat radar is suitably charged up you'll find yourself zapping any potential twat who heads in your direction with a look that could kill and a death stare that should win you an oscar.
Hopefully, your twat radar is now switched on and you've now had a bit of practice in spotting the greater twattish dick head and his very obvious mating patterns. Now you have to tune this new found skill into a veritable art form with a practised sneer and a suitably stunning one liner put down.
This will give you a new found confidence after a bit of practice and you'll start to attract the more eligible, decent sorts because you won't be a twat magnet anymore.
Be strong. And practice makes perfect!

Overloadtoad Mon 07-Mar-16 13:26:17

I have a recent ex that told me her marriage ended with him dying in a car accident. Used it to extract sympathy from everyone. She was from the other side of the country. Turns out he is alive and well and they were never even married. Wasnt the only whopper she told but was amongst the most interesting. Was quite a damging experience to be fair and there was a huge amount of deceit. The majority of the relationship we had turned out to be a lie. I have pretty much stopped trusting all people for a while as a result.

I dont think you can really screen for it so it is probably a case of having to be less trusting and keep trudging until the right person comes along. Dishonesty does seem to be fairly common.

Toomuchinfo1 Mon 07-Mar-16 13:42:04

I feel for you. Although my last relationship ended for a number of reasons (I've posted on here about it), the lies were the worst part. it started as little white lies about nothing in particular, but escalated to a point where I thought I was going mad.

once the trust is gone, its pretty hard to get it back, as I felt like the relationship was rotten at the foundation. it will take me a while to trust anyone new, which is really sad, as I don't think everyone lies.

I guess it's about meeting the right person that just makes you feel at ease and you just know in your gut that they wouldn't lie to you.

velourvoyageur Mon 07-Mar-16 19:04:51

My ex was a liar - one lie (among many) was him telling me he had a terminal illness. Lots of details, emotion, leaning on shoulders, bonding. A little while after we broke up I found out all these huge lies. He'd always been so insistent on absolute trust between us, ha ha. I mean yes, some would say I was stupid to trust him so deeply when there seemed to be all these unusual rare things in his life, but to be honest I don't think I should be blamed for that, you should be able to believe what someone says. "Your fault for being taken in" is quite victim blaming really. Only saying this because I was so incredibly naive and I have said this to myself in the past!
I was 19 and yes so naive, but my instinct is still to be very trusting and it does fuck me over.

I spose I was raised in a very honest atmosphere where telling lies was just anathema, and I keep finding out now that people aren't as strictly honest as my family - little white lies, withholding info or fibs which would make me too uncomfortable if I said them. Stupid small things like someone casually mentioning they'd told their friend they'd cancelled with them because they were having a nap when actually they came to mine. I know, I know, I sound really uptight! Maybe I need to lighten up and be more like them if only to fit in more, have it easier. I went through a lying phase as a kid (but to avoid getting into trouble, not just for the sake of it or to come across as interesting like my ex - weirdo) and I have a clear memory of a huge row where my dad was crying and explaining how honesty was so important, and that pretty much shocked me into stopping.

Lying to avoid conflict or to get out stuff is just so bloody lazy. Just talk to people directly and invest some energy into relationships and face up to things!!

velourvoyageur Mon 07-Mar-16 19:08:25

sorry, am so self obsessed

OP your post did strike a chord with me, esp. when you said that you thought you could trust this man and then you had to change how you thought of him. These people have treated you like shit - I totally get it. It's a shock and then just the lack of respect that hits you. Hope you're ok smile

Toomuchinfo1 Tue 08-Mar-16 08:58:24

velour . . .I'm the same as you. I didn't realise how many people told little white lies, ALL the time. I would speak to my (then) bloke on the phone and he would be driving, telling me he was in one place, but then when he turned up, he would come from a different direction to where he said. sometimes I think it was to hide something, other times I think it was just second nature to just not tell the truth.

I caught him out so many times.

OP - I hope you are ok. the lies you have mentioned are obviously massive, horrible ones. I hope you can move forward and meet people that treat you with some respect and just TELL THE TRUTH!!!

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