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Arguing so much since having baby

(19 Posts)
Jiggleswiggles Sun 06-Mar-16 21:45:42

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for here but thought I need to talk about it. I have been with my partner for many years and we just had a baby. He is 6 months old. My pregnancy went well and he was really supportive and both looking forward to having a baby. Since I've had the baby we just have the most awful rows. It normally escalates from something trivial and become full blown arguments. It's normally me who ends up shouting and he keeps very calm and well cold really. Then it seems like I'm a complete nutter. I just really struggle to let stuff go or stay calm and collected during disagreements. When he is not around I look after our baby and I feel I'm good at being a mum. But when he is home we generally have a miserable time falling out about once a week. Its obviously really hard having a baby but I didn't expect there to be so much hatred between us. We have been together over ten years and now he has said he wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for our baby. He says I'm a miserable person and always have been and that I always will be. He is a good dad though I do most of the parenting and he helps around the house. But we just cant stop arguing. It got so bad a few months back the police were called to do a welfare check. Things are getting out of hand and I just feel lost in it all.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 06-Mar-16 21:47:55

I would get checked out at the doc's to rule out PND. Not everyone retreats inwards when depressed - some people become more confrontational instead.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 06-Mar-16 21:49:25

And I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time flowers but if there is no obvious cause and he's generally doing his bit I would wonder about PND.

SirChenjin Sun 06-Mar-16 21:54:03

Having a baby can be a horribly stressful time and cause many perfectly happy couples to have the worst arguments imaginable - the lack of sleep, money worries, loneliness, change in the relationship dynamics and so on and on. You only have to watch Tired Parents that feature on here to get a sense of the endless bickering that can go on.

I suppose this thing is - do you both want to be together? Do you see a future with him or is it all a blur at the moment? Do you think you are miserable - and if so, could it be postpartum depression? Or is he just an arse? Could you try and book some time for the 2 of you to reconnect in some way?

I really feel for you - there were moments when DC1 was a baby that I truly hated DH. We're 21 years on now and I can look back and see what was going on, but that's us and you're you - and only you can really decide what you want to do. Would it be worth visiting your GP to make sure you're OK from a mental health point of view, and then taking it from there?

miggles33 Sun 06-Mar-16 21:54:18

I would have thought PND too but I feel fine when on my own with my baby and with other people. It's just when we are together arguments start and they just escalate so quickly. We are fine a lot of the time. I just didn't expect this. I thought your partner would be so caring when having a newborn but its not felt like that. Sorry name changed but still me!

Writerwannabe83 Sun 06-Mar-16 21:56:29

Mine and DH's relationship took a huge battering following the arrival of our son. I actually walked out when DS was about 4 months (took son with me) because it felt like we argued ALL the time. Everything turned into an issue, trivial matters blew up into big fights and it was just crazy. I went to stay with my mom for 3-4 days and then went back home.

It's well known that nothing tests your relationship more than having a baby does and I think a lot of couples really struggle for a while. I would say that mine and DH's relationship didn't really revert back to normal until our son was about 11 months old. The first year after our son arrived was very hard and it really pushed our relationship to the brink but we got through it.

It sounds like things are quite hostile in your relationship though with nasty things being said and upset being caused.

Do you ever have any time alone together? I.e one night out every two weeks just to go for a meal and some drinks?

OTheHugeManatee Sun 06-Mar-16 21:58:07

Do you have a sense of where the anger is coming from for you? Is there an underlying fear or resentment that's feeding these apparently trivial arguments?

Do you feel like you still love him?

miggles33 Sun 06-Mar-16 22:02:20

It has been really tough. I had to move house a few weeks before having my baby across country so had a new hospital and midwife team a week before I was due. Then massive house problems that was landlords doing so had to move again after only 3 months. So I had to look for a new house with a newborn baby a few months old. This meant there was lots of disagreements and arguing with landlord etc the week I was due to give birth and for a few months after. He started a new job a week after baby was born too. It all felt too much and not what I had planned. It all went a bit wrong. But now we have moved and we have a lovely baby who we both adore and both love so much and find great joy in being parents. But just cant stop these awful arguments. They are often so so unkind and terrible things are said on both sides.

SirChenjin Sun 06-Mar-16 22:03:06

Yep - I remember those days well! We almost came to blows - literally - because DH had devised this utterly ridiculous system of layering kitchen towels under DC1 when he was changing his nappy, and if I did it 'wrong' he would get all stroppy. DH's dad insisted that his mum use tongs to take the teat off the bottle before washing it when DH was a baby - and they had a massive argument about it. It's funny now - it wasn't at the time. All of those images I had of happy couples cooing over their firstborn and laughing at it all is only true for some people I think.

miggles33 Sun 06-Mar-16 22:11:34

Sorry to keep posting but I do feel really upset that my experience of being a mum has been like this. There was also a close bereavement in my family before baby was born so my mum was very distracted and sad which is understandable. She tried to support me though. I had a very painful time breastfeeding but was so determined as I really wanted to care on. I did get through it but it hurt for a good 6 weeks. Its just that we have come through all this and we now have a nice home and lovely baby. But I just get so so angry sometimes. I did feel great sadness about my and my babies start together. That what should have been a special time was just full of other stuff. I feel like that has been taken from me and I guess I'm on here today as I thought my dp would make something of mothers day as its my first but we just argued instead.

Mrsmulder Sun 06-Mar-16 22:14:16

Op, I have been there too and think in hindsight, it was pnd. I also have a thyroid condition and was on too much thyroxine which made me agitated to add to the mix. I thought about leaving him on several occasions and the only thing that stopped me was that i couldn't bare to be without my children and wouldn't want to compromise on access. I feel really embarrassed admitting this now and have never really discussed it with anyone. Looking back, I know I was horrible but I couldn't help it. My youngest is now 2 and our relationship is back to where it was before, we are very happy most of the time (still argue from time to time but on a whole other level and well within normal) I would be open and honest with him, I really think it will pass. Is there any way you could get a babysitter and spend a bit of time just the 2 of you?

Doje Sun 06-Mar-16 22:18:52

I remember feeling a lot of anger at my DH in those early days. I can't quite pinpoint it, but it was too do with having all the control over DC (decisions etc) during the day and then what felt like DH wading in and wanting an opinion at the weekend. Kinda like hevwas butting in on my 'day job' without any of the experience.

I can't remember exactly when it died down, I think around 7/8 months. It happens a bit when DS2 was younger too but not quite as badly.

SirChenjin Sun 06-Mar-16 22:20:11

Don't feel sorry! This is your thread, and please post away smile

It sounds like you've had a horrendously challenging time, and that's going to really add to the normal stresses and strains of a new baby. I know you said that you're fine with other people or on your own, but that's outside of the normal domestic routine which has become quite heated, and it gives you a break from it all.

I do wonder if it might be a good idea to visit your GP to be honest - they'll be able to assess you and to point you in the direction of any help you might need.

I'm heading off to bed now but hope you get some other replies. Hang on in there, it will get better, one way or another flowers

longdiling Sun 06-Mar-16 22:30:00

Whilst I agree a certain amount of arguing is to be expected - especially in the stressful circumstances you describe - the fact the police have been called suggests it's worse than your run of the mill arguments. I really don't think that happens to the vast majority of parents. You say your partner isn't caring, how do these arguments start? Who called the police?

ICJump Sun 06-Mar-16 22:30:52

Please please please see your GP to rule out PND. If your feelings aren't PND then you can start working out what to do but if they are you can get some support.
We had an easy ride first time round but I still remember thinking it would be easier to just leave.
What helped us was talking, and kissing or hand holding every day

Hillfarmer Sun 06-Mar-16 23:59:08

We have been together over ten years and now he has said he wouldn't be with me if it wasn't for our baby. He says I'm a miserable person and always have been and that I always will be.

Hi OP,

If my partner of 10 years started saying vicious stuff like this to me I would feel bloody depressed. People are focussing on PND possibilities, but I think he is being utterly abhorrent. You don't deserve to be treated like this. He is being an arsehole. It distresses me that at a time when you are vulnerable post-birth, and you are sleep-deprived and new to everything - he is being not only unsupportive, but openly critical and undermining your whole personality. This is not right.

The best way he can be a good father is to support you. This is how he should be. If he is not, then you do need to question his behaviour. By all means go to your GP and tell them how you are feeling. But unlike others, I think it is his behaviour that is causing your distress.

It seems ludicrous perhaps, since you were together for ten years before you had your child, that he might have changed so radically, but it is not unusual for someone's controlling behaviour to be stepped up during pregnancy and just after birth. Many women on here will have had the experience of a partner suddenly attacking them - not necessarily physically - soon after birth. It is a well-documented phenomenon. Suddenly they are undermining you, criticising everything you do, questioning your care of the baby, picking holes in the day to day decisions that you make as a mother. It is enough to turn anyone into a quivering wreck.

This happened to me OP. I'm not saying it is happening to you, but be aware. I was married for seven years to my lovely husband before we had dcs. As soon as the first one was born, he switched to being a controlling, undermining, even unkind person. He used his temper as a weapon and threatened me with his anger and contempt, which was always much stronger and scary than anything I could muster. By the time I had the second, I was a nervous, stammering shadow of my former self, too afraid to say boo to a goose. Don't let that be you. If your head starts spinning for whatever reason - either PND or your husband has inexplicably turned into a controlling shit - tell someone (GP, Health Vistor, friend) and people will support you.

Marchate Mon 07-Mar-16 00:08:54

Hillfarmer, I was thinking exactly what you are saying. It seems clear that the partner is being nasty, probably deliberately. As you say, it's sadly common around pregnancy and birth

OP, type Abuser Profiles in the search box above and have a wee read. If you recognise your partner, you can find help. Him being calm and cold while you end up shouting says Water Torturer to me

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 07-Mar-16 00:17:21

How much sleep do you get? How much time do you have to yourself? Are you able to leave DH with the baby for an hour or two?
If you're very tired over a very long time you will be brittle. He may well not have any idea how it feels long term. It is inexplicable to someone who hasn't done it.

WhoaCadburys Mon 07-Mar-16 03:44:47

Your DH sounds as though he has issues around being a father that are being projected onto you. How is his relationship with his own parents? Maybe some counselling would help?

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