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Advice on expartner wanting new partner to have contact with dd age 3. Help.

(5 Posts)
Eatdrinkdancemum Sun 06-Mar-16 15:21:00

I'm just wondering if anyone has any experience or words of wisdom they would like to share. My expartner of 7 years left 7 months ago. He has now after 3 months of dating moved in with his new partner. My solicitor informed me of this ( we have no contact due to abusive nature on his part), and also that he wants to immediately begin introducing our 3 year old to her and have weekend overnights. He has always has contact, this was reduced due to his aggressive behaviour toward me, he sees our daughter twice a week.
I have no issue with my daughter being introduced to his new partner but feel as the relationship is so new and he has moved in with her so quickly, it would be im everyone's best interest of to wait until they had been together for at least 6 months. I feel as if he is only thinking about himself and not our daughter who deserves to be the primary concern.
I am offering extra contact in the week if he is agreeable to holding off the introduction. My solicitor has advised against mediation due to his previous behaviours, I am currently awaiting his response. Although I certain he will not agree to wait and therefore has said he will (finally) get legal representation and take me to court.
Any advice welcome, thank you.

OurBlanche Sun 06-Mar-16 15:38:50

No, don't do that. You will then be trying to manage his life, control who he sees, when. and making it impossible for him to move on with his own life whilst seeing his daughter.

Think about it the other way round... you get a new partner and, when you want to introduce them to your DD he says no, I don't want that , I think it is wrong you are not putting our child first.

Unfortunately, despite his aggression towards you, he has a right to see his child and, as a parent, he also has every right to make decisions about how he parents her. You are even trying to use her as a reward for good behaviour, which would not be well perceived by a judge.

It is difficult but you cannot control his life and access to his daughter like that. You have to find a way to come to terms with his being as much a parent as you are.

Good luck.

Eatdrinkdancemum Sun 06-Mar-16 16:00:29

Hi, want to make clear I'm in no way trying to use our daughter as a reward. I am purely concerned with the speed at which his is trying to involve someone new into her life. He has been dating this lady since December, and was away with his work for half of that and January too. He then moved in with her in Febuary. My point was purely that it would be kinder on our daughter to wait until their relationship is more established before introductions begin. I would not introduce anyone to her after such a short period. He has taken away that choice for our daughter now that he has moved into this ladies home.
I do not want to control access as such, I just think it's extremely speedy on his part.
Thanks for your advice.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 06-Mar-16 16:03:47

While I agree with your thinking, unfortunately it makes not one iota of difference. Your ex is free to parent how he chooses and if he thinks it's OK there's nothing you can do about it. Sorry.

OurBlanche Sun 06-Mar-16 16:07:08

I am offering extra contact in the week if he is agreeable to holding off the introduction. It was that line that prompted my comment.

I know it is difficult but you are probably going to have to accept that you are not in charge of his relationship with his daughter (or any partner/s he may have) and that he can do as he sees fit with regards to others he has in his life.

As long as he is not putting her in any danger, and you haven't said that he does so fingers crossed, it will be far easier for you if you can let go a little now, at the beginning. You only have to read around here for a little while to see that all sorts of otherwise lovely, normal people tie themselves into knots when they are separated and don't like something their ex does.

I suppose I am saying "Be careful! Don't do that to yourself".

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