Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Decision validation

(5 Posts)
GummyBear7 Sun 06-Mar-16 09:16:18

Old story of falling for an attached man. I have made and communicatedy decision to him and think I have done right. But have I?

We met at drinks and he asked me out. He was very clearly into me and I really liked him also. Our dates were always amazing, incessant talk and fun. This lasted two weeks where we saw each other 4 times a week. Week 3 he told me that he was in a another relationship and he is living together but that he sees no future and will end it but has not yet planned on how or when. No kids in this relationship and I can see that he loves and cares for this woman. When he told me I said I can't have a relationship with him whilst he is already in one and if he ends it then he could call me.

We met yesterday to discuss some more. He said it was a risk for him to end his relationship before he was ready to for me because that would be a huge risk for him and asked whether we can keep seeing each other so he can take an educated decision rather than a risk.

I said I didn't believe people could have a good committed relationship where they will invest their all if they were already in another relationship. And that could up inadvertently setting low standards as in what you are used to being the secondary relationship. I also said i am not willing to compete for him now or in the future and he should be with because its me he want not because I am the better option.

I know I have done right in my response - but please tell me. I cannot speak about this with r/l friends given my shame in dating and sleeping with an attached man. And the fact that if he left her I would see him. But I am now wondering if this is a man I should really even think of having a relationship at all?!

MidnightVelvetthe5th Sun 06-Mar-16 09:23:34

Of course you have done the right thing.

You were already the OW, the choice you had was whether to remain one or to cut & run! Its amusing to see that the usual suspects have already reared their heads, the 'he will end it soon' & 'the risk is far too large for him, so he can't possibly end it just yet'. I'm assuming he's already told you that his wife doesn't understand him.

I would say that he's shown you how untrustworthy he is & I wouldn't consider any kind of relationship with him.

Katenka Sun 06-Mar-16 10:01:44

He sees not future in his relationship, but doesn't want to risk leaving?

jillyarmeen16 Sun 06-Mar-16 11:02:09

What do you think he was telling the woman he lives with about where he was going and who with when he was meeting you for amazing dates and sex? It won't have been the truth. You know this man to be a liar and a cheat, why don't you make an educated decision with those facts in front of you and realise you deserve better?
He's hedging his bets and has no respect for either of you. That poor woman.

GummyBear7 Sun 06-Mar-16 11:28:09

Thanks yes you're absolutely right. I've had more time awake and time to think and no he's not a man I should ever think about being in a relationship with.

He first told me that he was in a relationships on Friday and then said he was intending to break up and especially since we've met he wanted to speed it up. I may be wrong, but that seemed acceptable to me.

Then he told me this risk and issues story yesterday. I didn't change my decision from Friday. But it was not until this morning when I woke up and thought about it did it occur to me that I had failed to think about what this change shows about this man's character.

I think I was still processing a lot of what he said when i posted; my OP was 15 minutes after I woke up this morning!

Thank you for taking the time to respond despite it being so obvious!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now