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Abused by Foster Parents & can't get over it

(8 Posts)
Aquamarine70 Sat 05-Mar-16 15:55:14

My mum committed suicide when I was 1 & my dad died when I was a baby too. I lived with my grandparents until I was 4 then put into foster care with my brother as social services said my grand parents were too old to look after us.

My foster parents had 3 children of their own & were a Christian family. They treated their own children differently. We had no Xmas or birthday presents, no new clothes & were sent to school with no lunch. Own kids had everything. We lived in the country & social services only visited on a year when we were at school.

We had to say prayers & go to church twice on a Sunday. We had to say grace & thank the lord for the food in our plates & eat everything even if it made us vomit. They hit us too. To everyone outside people thought they were lovely kind people..

I ended up anorexic & now have to have a really expensive injection every 6 mths for my bones as I have osteoporosis.

I left my foster parents in 1986 but every day it still affects me. I feel so jealous of anyone having a mum & really wish that I had that.

I have 3 children & try to be the best mum to them & go without things so they can have them.

I suffered PND after each child & now have long term depression controlled by medication. I am under a psychiatrist & have had years of psychotherapy but nothing helps me get over the abuse.

Does anyone have any advice? I don't live in the UK now & have to pay for any treatment or medication privately.

Headdesk Sat 05-Mar-16 17:34:42

I don't have any advice sorry, my life is a mess. I just wanted to say that I know what you went through, my foster parents were exactly the same as yours, sorry I have no useful advice but I wanted you to know someone understands flowers

reasonstobecheerful123 Sat 05-Mar-16 19:19:36

Please contact these people napac.org.uk/about-us/

Im very sorry for what you have experienced...please seek advice and support

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Mar-16 19:26:02

It sounds horrific. Where you are so lucky is that you have three lovely children and they are your family now. Hopefully they will have children, too, and your family will grow. I know you can't have the mum you wanted - and I'm so sorry she died - but you can be the mum you wanted to your three children. I'm sure they love you very, very much.

flowers

QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Mar-16 19:28:22

Darling life has dealt you a rotten hand but please do not let those monsters define your future, they have taken so much from you already.

My mother is alive but the relationship is a very poor one and so many other people who have living parents have no relationship with them at all.

You only get one shot at life, start looking forward and not back, be kind to yourself, take time to enjoy the simple things in your day.

flowers

SavoyCabbage Sat 05-Mar-16 19:31:43

This is absolutely horrific. You poor thing I am so sad for you. That your mum died and that you ended up with terrible people who mistreated you when you were just a vulnerable child. I am not at all surprised that it has affected you so much. I hope that you don't feel any guilt for that. Or for anything that happened to you.

Those people are bastards and they must have something wrong with them to treat you in that way. They will never be happy inside and have nice lives because they are broken.

You are the mum now and you have your own little family. You are the centre of someone's world, your children's.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 05-Mar-16 19:34:48

You don't have to get over it. What they did to you was totally and utterly wrong and you don't have to forgive them for it, ever. In fact, feeling angry about it is a very healthy first step to healing as much as you possibly can.

What helped me to deal at least some extent with abuse was to imagine the child that I was and to speak to her as if she were one of my own children, and tell her that she didn't deserve any of the things that were done to her, that she doesn't have to feel shame or guilt and that she is a worthwhile person. It sounds a bit woo I know but it's essentially healing that part of yourself that on some level feels like you didn't deserve the happy, loving childhood everyone else had.

You did deserve it. You, like every other child, deserved to be kissed and cuddled and adored. And you didn't get that. You were very very very unlucky. You were dealt cards no one should be dealt. It doesn't reflect on you at all as a person, in the right circumstances things could have been better.

But they weren't. And you can and should grieve that loss. Because it is a loss, a huge one. In spite of the terrible luck you've had you've come amazingly far. It is very impressive.

Those people were evil. They will live out their lives having been the bringers of pain and misery. They have ended up in a far worse situation then you. Not that that's any consolation I know. But they weren't worth your spit never mind being worthy to be your parents.

You can heal from this. And you have the determination to do so, that's clear. Some counselling can help, or just talking about it here will also help, you will always find someone to listen.

Aquamarine70 Sun 06-Mar-16 03:58:03

Thank you everyone for your kind words & the link. It means a lot to me.

My husband is a great support & I have 3 lovely children.

I have managed to overcome my Anorexia but I just feel that I still need to get over my childhood as it still affects me daily. Just little things each day trigger feelings.

Mother's day always brings it home to me what I missed out on. I am a mobile beauty therapist & I did a client the other day that had just had a baby. She had her mum there looking after her & I could see the lovely relationship that they had. I am like that with my children and would do anything for them. It just made me very sad that I never experienced that motherly love. I was never hugged or cuddled or felt loved. I always make sure my children know they are special & loved. They are not spoilt and know what things were like for me.

I am still seeing my psychotherapist so I will talk about my feelings as I feel this is the last step of my recovery.

I can see that my experience has made the person I am today.

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