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DH loses it and says/calls me these things, what would you do?

(102 Posts)
Mrstumbletap Fri 04-Mar-16 21:58:41

Hi, I'm just looking for a bit of perspective/advice. DH has a bit of a temper and when we row (usually once a month) over something silly like remembering to pick something up, or where something is, it can escalate and end up with him just reeling off a load of insults or just nasty things. Such as, your stupid, horrible, ugly (only said that once), pathetic, I don't like you etc.

I have learnt arguing back in this situation is pointless and usually ends up with him walking out slamming the door. Then later that afternoon or the next day he is really sorry, says he knows he shouldn't say those things and that he just does it to hurt me, and that he knows it wrong. He grew up in quite a similar situation so I know where he gets it from.

On the whole he works hard, is sweet, funny, romantic, good around the house, good with DC and we get on well, but one argument a month his Jekyl and Hyde comes out. I'm getting a thick skin to it now and just wait for him to finish his rant and then speak to him that eve or the next day. Been together many years and it's never escalated to more than that.

Can you give me your thoughts?

NorksAreMessy Fri 04-Mar-16 22:01:14

Why are you rowing about silly things?

AnyFucker Fri 04-Mar-16 22:01:32

Leave

No one does that to me more than once. Who the fuck does he think he is ?

Caprinihahahaha Fri 04-Mar-16 22:03:22

Honestly, my thought are I would tell him to stop it because it's fucking childish and his deciding that it's ok - that he is allowed to just do that and then go back to normal 10 minutes later - is bollocks.

SlinkyVagabond Fri 04-Mar-16 22:04:55

As usual AF nails it. If he doesn't mean it, why say it? Oh yeah to hurt you.

Marchate Fri 04-Mar-16 22:06:13

His apologies and 'sweet' behaviour etc is a sham to keep you available for his abuse

AnyFucker Fri 04-Mar-16 22:07:37

Have you got children ?

How would you feel if a partner of theirs treated them like this ?

NewLife4Me Fri 04-Mar-16 22:08:54

On the whole he works hard, is sweet, funny, romantic, good around the house, good with DC and we get on well

Lovely. Then he treats you like shit.

You shouldn't have to develop a thick skin though, he needs to sort it out and pronto.

Mrstumbletap Fri 04-Mar-16 22:10:47

The row will usually start over a disagreement like one thought the other should have put the bin out for example, "but you usually put it out" yeah so why can't you do it? Because I'm doing this and that, but I've been doing this all week, well you should have just asked me, why do I have to ask you can't you see it's full yourself! Etc etc. it will then escalate and before you know it it's well you are just lazy. I'm lazy are you kidding? Etc etc.

It really is over silly things like washing the car, bins, remembering to pay the TV licence and they are few and far between, I made a little note of our arguments and we have had 3 since Christmas. And the other days in between are really good.

Aussiebean Fri 04-Mar-16 22:11:54

'You're stupid'

You get up, pick up your keys, get in the car, go to a hotel (with spa treatments) book in for two days, send him a message that he has two days to leave as you will no longer be his verbal punching bag and turn off your phone.

Caprinihahahaha Fri 04-Mar-16 22:12:00

I guess the issue is what do you think?
Do you see it as a once a month vent which does not detract from his sweet romantic persona? Or do you see it as a release of his real, albeit suppressed feeling?

You say you ignore it but does it not impact you at all? I would find it hard. I can remember the times my DH has been unpleasant to me and whilst I forgave them, they did change how I felt about him. They were rare and so they have had no impact on how we feel about each other.
If he did it once a month just to have a grown up tantrum I'm not sure my respect for him would have survived.
So it's your feelings that matter.

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Mar-16 22:12:49

I think it doesnt even matter that he doesnt 'mean' what he says. He means to hurt you.
Regularly.
And he thinks sorry means you shut up and he gets to do it again. Sorry. Again. Sorry. Again.

Sorry is meaningless if the behaviour is repeated.

I didnt mean it i just wanted to hurt you is horrible and he needs to explain why he wants to hurt you and why he thinks you will put up with that.

It's the sort of behaviour that could end up with you not loving him.

Years upon years of that shit will, in the end, do that.

If he is sorry - sorry as in sorry not sorry as in shut up get off my back - then he can prove that by stopping doing things with the intention of hurting you.

Sorelip Fri 04-Mar-16 22:16:19

He has admitted he wants to hurt you when he says these things.

If my DH ever said those things to me we'd split, because even when we are royally pissed at each other, we don't want to hurt each other.

ImperialBlether Fri 04-Mar-16 22:19:02

I couldn't bear to live with someone who spoke to me like that. Do you have children? If so, how old are they? Do they witness this?

TwoMag314s Fri 04-Mar-16 22:20:23

I'm not going to say what I would do, I'm going to say what I did.

I put up with it for years, and it ground me down. I thought for years if I could just think of a better way of expressing how unjust his words were, I could finally get through to him. But ha, no

What happened was that he realised that being an abusive arsehole to me was actually a very good coping mechanism for his own stress. The lack of respect became worse and worse. By the time I left it was emotional, financial, verbal.....

So finally I left. And then, he was crying, he missed me, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm free now, but it took me years to get over it. Start getting over it asap.

brew

Mrstumbletap Fri 04-Mar-16 22:20:35

But in other relationships surely it can't be happy all the time, everyone has bits they would like to change, whether they are a bit moody, lazy around the house, mis matched sexdrive, mis matched social lives, doesn't get involved with the kids, doesn't get on with your family etc.

Are women actually in relationships where their men are good at all the above? If so I honestly don't think I know any, and that makes it hard when you compare, (I know you shouldn't) but when you have friends that have husbands that don't do any housework and they feel like a slave to them, and a friend who's husband is so jealous it must be suffocating, another who flirts with girls online, another really unsociable doesn't go out much and she feels guilty when she

Mrstumbletap Fri 04-Mar-16 22:21:00

Does. Sorry pressed something weird there.

Caprinihahahaha Fri 04-Mar-16 22:24:20

My DH isn't perfect. We've been married 26 years. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect.
But neither of us regularly deliberately sets out to hurt the other.

And are you really saying that you are prepared to put up with regularly being spoken to like shit because other people husbands are probably crap too. Is that your base line.
My DH is pretty great. I wouldn't be with him if he wan't because I'm a kind person and I expect the same back.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Mar-16 22:24:38

He has a bit of a temper?
He needs to be a grown up and not act like an arse. Or leave.
We disagree in this house. DH assumed recently I would realise he's left for work really early so I would put the bins out. I didn't realise until I was about to leave for school. It made me late and pissed me off. So I asked him to let me know in future. And that I was cross. He said ok.
That's normal.
What you describe is not a normal loving relationship.

Mrstumbletap Fri 04-Mar-16 22:27:14

He says it because we don't communicate well, and that he can't promise he won't do it again as it's easier said than done. ahhhhh my heads in a mess.

Yes have DS, no he doesn't really hear it's usually over and done with in about ten minutes.

TwoMag314s Fri 04-Mar-16 22:28:16

No, no man is perfect, but you can have a perfect man who respects you.

The first man I went out with after my xh, he wasn't talkative enough for me, so in the end, we split up. But he never, ever called me a name, or rail roaded over my wishes, or disregarded my opinion or sneered at my opinion. It was an eye opener. He was kind and generous, and even when I ended it, he told me that he hoped things would work out for me and that we'd both get what we wanted! So gracious.

The next man I went out with. Not perfect either! Full of crazy theories. He frustrated me sometimes. But if we rowed, he'd try and kiss my head and put his arms around me so that I knew that although he disagreed with me on a subject, it was just a frank exchange of views, not an attack on ME.

I'm happier single and mostly enjoying dating. I enjoy being single and going on dates so so so so so much more than being trapped with a disrespectful misogynist arse.

TwoMag314s Fri 04-Mar-16 22:28:48

an imperfect man who respects you I mean

Aussiebean Fri 04-Mar-16 22:29:10

Being lazy around the house is not a personal verbal attack designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

Having different sex drives is not designed to make you walk on egg shells so you won't argue.

Not being involved with the kids is not designed to put you in your place.

Having different social lives is not designed to make you not argue so you can't express how you feel.

Not getting on with your family is not designed to make you feel horrible, or to grow a thicker skin so you can put up with more of his abuse.

Many relationships have these issues, but they don't involve calling the person you love 'stupid' or 'ugly'

Arfarfanarf Fri 04-Mar-16 22:29:15

My husband is far from perfect. I amfar from perfect
We've been saddled with each other for 18 years on monday.

We dont say things to hurt each other. We dont set out to hurt each other. Even when disagreeing.
Thats not something that comes under normal happy marriage imperfection.

RJnomore1 Fri 04-Mar-16 22:29:18

Yeah of course it's not perfect. And sometimes we fall out and say things we regret. But that's not what you describe. What you describe is sustained consistent repeated and frequent verbal abuse in one direction. Not an occasional disagreement. Not a stressed snap at each other.

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