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I can't marry my dp

(39 Posts)
Awoof Fri 04-Mar-16 19:33:04

I can't marry him and I don't think I love him sad
I do love him as a friend very much, and as dad to our dd (3). We've had some difficult times and gotten through them together, he proposed during a particularly bad patch and slowly things have improved to where we are now.
Every cell in my body is telling me not to marry him. Although things have improved financially since I returned to work, and he gained a promotion, I have seen parts of his personality that I really don't like.
Jealous, mean, spiteful, lazy..

I have been sort of bumbling on, ignoring it but last weekend I lost it and it all came out, he was very apologetic and remorseful and tried hard- cooking/buying flowers etc.
Then last night I went for a coffee with my best friend and came home again to the cold shoulder, house a state, nothing done for dd (ie packed lunch/clothes etc)
I'm just fucking fed up of it and I can't be with him.

I think I can save up enough to leave in about 6 months, I woulf be happy for custody to be 50/50. He is a good dad, just not the man I want to spend the next 50 years of my life with.
How do I do this? I'm scared to tell him it is totally over because I know he won't leave and life will be miserable.
Do I get my ducks in a row and bite my tou ge for now?
Sorry this is a ramble, I don't have much rl support, and have no dmum/friend who would be suitable to stay with.
Thanks if you made it all the way through!

madmother1 Fri 04-Mar-16 19:35:34

If you don't love him and he doesn't make you happy, then please don't marry him.

nicenewdusters Fri 04-Mar-16 19:43:26

Definitely don't marry him. If life is bearable and you feel safe I'd get those proverbial ducks lined up first.

Those are pretty nasty qualities you've discovered in him, I wouldn't be relishing 50 years worth.

Rainbowqueeen Fri 04-Mar-16 19:43:36

Good on you for realising this now.

I would get a plan together and some real life support.

If you post details of your situation eg do you rent or own, bank accounts etc you will get lots of helpful advice.

tealoveryum Fri 04-Mar-16 21:37:01

It's good that you've seen this OP and you know what ultimately you want, to not be with him. He doesn't have good qualities there.

Can you look into hiring a solicitor for advice?

expatinscotland Fri 04-Mar-16 21:44:21

Get a plan together. Take a day off and clear out. Then tell him it's over.

Good on you.

pollyandme Fri 04-Mar-16 22:05:15

There doesn't sound like there's a crisis or any incentive to rush into or out of anything.

This was what I did in a similar-ish situation.

Arrange couples counselling. Because you don't want to regret anything or feel you hadn't tried. And you have a DD (which is not a reason to stay if it's not healthy but is a reason to make bloody sure IYSWIM).

And if that doesn't help then take your time to make a plan and make sure you fully appreciate what you're doing and how life will change for you.

And also make financial and practical plans. It's expensive to separate and maintain two homes on the income you used to have to maintain one.

It took me over two years to work through the above and they were hard years. But I'm glad I took my time and made sure that every step was the right one, so on down days or when things are hard I don't start thinking "what if I'd only..."

I don't regret leaving my marriage at all. It was unhealthy for me and miserable for both of us. I am happier. Much. But it's not an easy path.

You have time. It might not feel like you do, but you do. Take it and use it.


expatinscotland Fri 04-Mar-16 23:03:07

'Because you don't want to regret anything or feel you hadn't tried. And you have a DD (which is not a reason to stay if it's not healthy but is a reason to make bloody sure IYSWIM).'

She doesn't love him. He is jealous, spiteful and lazy. She wants to leave. Why on Earth advice her to hang round this person?

pollyandme Fri 04-Mar-16 23:53:19

She sounds mightily pissed off with him and probably with good reason.

But it doesn't sound like a crisis and he doesn't sound like a fiend. We can all be jealous spiteful and lazy, sometimes. She doesn't hate him, she's said that. He's not being abusive or harmful. Just a bit of an arse, and her feelings towards him are increasingly negative, but to my mind still somewhat conflicted.

So I think she should take some time to explore all avenues, that's all.

I'm glad I did. I still left, but I'm glad I took some time to work it all through.

expatinscotland Fri 04-Mar-16 23:59:06

'But it doesn't sound like a crisis and he doesn't sound like a fiend'

She doesn't love him. 'Just a bit of an arse'? 'Every cell in my body is telling me not to marry him'.

There's a reason for that.

It doesn't have to be a crisis or being harmful. She doesn't love him. He's jealous, spiteful and lazy.

And speak for yourself, some of us are not 'jealous, spiteful or lazy' sometimes.

pollyandme Sat 05-Mar-16 08:19:54

Ok expatinscotland. Given the point of this forum is to get a variety of perspectives on any given issue, the OP has two very different ones from you and I, from which she can take whatever is helpful to her and leave what is not.

I don't believe she is at risk, and so I advise her to take her time, because it's a massive step with huge implications. Your advice is that she knows what she wants to do so she should LTB ASAP.

I'm not about to get into a scrap with you about it, just for the sake of it, (tempting though it is).

And I'll revise my comment and say that 'Most of us can be jealous, spiteful and lazy sometimes.' I know I can be, because I'm a human. Most of the people I know and dearly love can be** too, from the to time, because they're humans too.

But enjoy the ride on your high horse expatinscotland, and take care not to fall off - it's a long way down.


bb888 Sat 05-Mar-16 08:25:00

Well done for being able to be clear about how you feel. Its important to be satisfied that you are completely sure, but it sounds like you are. At least you didn't marry him!
Take the time that you need to get things sorted out, once you have that in place maybe telling him might be an option, and then moving to a spare room if you have one? Also not doing anything for him in the house - that might increase the chance of him leaving? (is it a shared property?).

DoreenLethal Sat 05-Mar-16 08:34:33

Polly love - people who think they don't want to marry someone should be supported not guilted into continuing. It's bad advice like that that means people marry people they shouldn't be marrying and end up divorcing them which is more destructive to kids than separating before a wedding.

She already has identified that she doesn't want to go through with it - you should be helping to facilitate it, not telling her she needs to stick with someone she doesn't love just because he isn't a danger to her immediately.

ittooshallpass Sat 05-Mar-16 08:40:57

Is there any way you can leave sooner? Perhaps a bank loan to get you out ASAP.

Otherwise 6 months is a long time to bite your tongue. I know. I had to bite mine for that length of time too.

My daughter was also 3... she saw how stressed I was and the tense atmosphere in the house. Which wasn't great, but it couldn't be done any other way.

Just get yourself sorted ASAP and go. Yes it's hard and I don't know of any dad who does 50/50 so be prepared to do the lions share. To be honest you're doing it anyway!

Good on you for not putting up with a bad relationship. Just focus on this time next year and how great life will be without him.

pollyandme Sat 05-Mar-16 09:41:49

Dear god.

I'm not suggesting she marry him. And I'm not guilting her into anything. In fact I'm trying to suggest she doesn't leave herself with anything she can beat herself up over afterwards. But they're currently cohabiting, so it's a big step, married or not. I'm just suggesting she take time to explore all avenues and think through what she's doing or even just how she's going to do it and not rush into anything. Because LTB isn't easy.

Suggesting she get herself in debt to do it quicker is downright irresponsible.

And I've been through this myself so please don't patronise me. Love.

Also, FWIW my EXH and I do 50/50 and it works pretty well for everyone, especially the DCs. So OP if you can arrange that then go for it. And good luck.

Awoof Sat 05-Mar-16 10:18:09

Thank you everybody.sorry for disappear g off, hard to catch a moment to myself.
He is not abusive so much as is nice as long as everything is how he wants. Does that make sense? Like if I don't go out he is lovely, if I cook dinner and clean up every night he is lovely.
To be honest I'm sure there is a woman out there who would be happy to be with him, just not me!
We live in rented accommodation, no way I could afford it alone so I know I would have to move if he didn't help with money. I don't actually want anything from him apart from maintenance for dd.
He can afford the rent on current property on his salary, but also has the option of living at work for a while.
I think I can save/hide two hundred or so every month, I don't have any credit cards/loans as options - all the trouble we had when dd was first born was because he took out loan after loan which is all being paid back now.
It's just difficult because I hate feeling so dishonest. He isn't a monster and I would like us to be friends in the future. Just feel like I'm fucking him over.
Also there is no physical intimacy (since December ) I just can't. I don't have those kind of feelings for him, I feel so uncomfortable if he kisses me or gives me a squeeze.
Sorry for the ramble again!

Awoof Sat 05-Mar-16 10:19:34

Sorry I work part time at the moment, but could increase my hours. He earns about 6 x more than me

expatinscotland Sat 05-Mar-16 10:59:13

'But enjoy the ride on your high horse expatinscotland, and take care not to fall off - it's a long way down. '

Not to worry, hun. My feet are firmly planted on the ground where it's never a good idea to put up with someone you don't love and who is only nice when things are going exactly as he wants just because he isn't beating you up or putting you at risk. I love it here! It's lovely not to put up with people who treat you the way you wouldn't treat a snake rather than apologising for their shit behaviour, making excuses for it like it's your fault and advising others to put up with it or they might regret it.

'He is not abusive so much as is nice as long as everything is how he wants. Does that make sense? Like if I don't go out he is lovely, if I cook dinner and clean up every night he is lovely. '

So as long as you 'behave' he is nice. That's emotionally manipulative on his part.

Start saving that money and get out.

sadsister4 Sat 05-Mar-16 11:03:03

He sounds completely dreadful, and not a good dad at all.

Just leave him. Life is far, far too short.

Good luck.

numberseventeen Sat 05-Mar-16 11:12:59

He sounds like my ex in that he was more than happy for me to do absolutely everything for him apart from wipe his arse. If I dared to suggest he help I got nastiness, little digs about my downfalls, being lazy etc.
He was a very selfish, deeply unpleasant and has no respect for anyone.

It escalated horribly, became very toxic and I stayed far too long. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

I left without a thing and have never looked back. You will manage and I bet you will be much happier too. Good luck flowers

MadameJosephine Sat 05-Mar-16 11:15:47

Just separate, nothing good will come of 'bumbling on'for the rest of your life. I separated from my partner 6 months ago and we have found we get on much better and are better parents separately than together. Don't forget you will be able to claim child support from him and if you work 16 hours or more you will be eligible for working tax credits so financially you may be better off than you think

bb888 Sat 05-Mar-16 11:56:08

If you can't stand him touching you then for your own mental well-being I think you need out.
I'm separated from my husband and its so much better. I feel great, and its much nicer to be single but have some home than to be in a relationship that I knew I didn't want.

ittooshallpass Sat 05-Mar-16 12:02:56

I think the comment about suggesting someone gets into debt to leave is irresponsible was aimed at me...

The reason I suggested a loan as an option to leave was that I know the mental strain of living with someone that you don't want to be with.

A loan is better than a breakdown.

LizKeen Sat 05-Mar-16 12:16:48

He is not abusive so much as is nice as long as everything is how he wants. Does that make sense? Like if I don't go out he is lovely, if I cook dinner and clean up every night he is lovely.

This is abusive though.

So if you go out, what does he do? If you expect him to muck in what happens?

The fact you are saying that his behaviour depends on your behaviour is the abuse. He should be lovely all the time, not just when his conditions are met. You should be free to go out without any kind of bad feeling.

Why don't you have much RL support?

ivykaty44 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:27:00

Interesting that woman would feel guilt for fucking him over, if she puts some of her own wages away for a rainy day coming up soon.

Don't feel guilty I can asure you that when you are a pensioner living on a much smaller pension income asmany single woman parents will. Your ex will not feel guilty for fucking you over, as you will have less of a pension than he does as you did most of the child rearing.

Just don't feel guilty, look after yourself

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