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1 year on...feeling flat(4 Posts)
So- I've been a single mum for 1 year.
Backstory- this time last year (my birthday to be precise) I discovered emotionally abusive exOH had been cheating with junior work colleague for many years. Initially glad (euphoric) to discover that I wasn't mad, that there was a problem and that it wasn't all in my mind (yes all the clichés). Bought him out of house, arranged legal settlement etc. He never looked back, dumped OW and has been getting on with life more or less. We have stayed on amicable terms because I am a great believer that it is best for kids. But the road has been rocky...my friends and children have been wonderful and time has been a great healer.
Looking back there is so much I cope with better now and handle with ease, which I used to find so hard. Doing most of the kid-care, balanced with full time demanding competitive job. So pleased they are with me most of the time, at first it was stressful at first doing everything (and being blamed for everything). I have just turned 40 and have managed to more or less keep career on track (with wonderful support from my work-mates and boss), I bought him out of the house, I have a nice little car. Emotionally I don't linger on the hurt as much as I did and I only get side swiped by the whole thing every now and then rather than every 5 minutes
But dating- what a complete disaster. I have never really dated having been with exOH since 22. There have been a few nice guys but no one with whom I've really clicked. But there has been plenty of weirdos. The last one- we got on well, nice guy, professional, seemed to have close relationship with his daughters, into same sports...in private was a nasty dirty pushy bully with genital warts!!! I should have left when I first saw the state of his flat and realised he didn't brush his teeth.
Meanwhile exOH has a new partner, excelling at career (now he barely has any childcare). My life is all work and kids and nasty encounters with men from OL dating. I'm jealous and can't see a way out. Also- I know I should be utterly grateful for what I've got so why does the lack of a partner make me feel so flat?
Oh op you've got a lot going on then. It does seem unfair and it is unfair when we see the ex not having the child care and full time job juggling act. But as you say it's best they are with you more.
You will find someone maybe when you aren't looking. Try and enjoy what you do have and see the positives. If you need a laugh in he meantime, tinder is fabulous entertainment
There are some lovely men out there. Remember no relationship is perfect whatever things look like on outside doesn't mean it's the same inside, so maybe exoh relationship isn't all the gloss it seems
I think you've done in incredibly well in a year to get to where you are OP. Fills me with courage, as I feel my own journey as a single Mum right now will take a lot longer than that!
I think we all have a desire to be in a loving, relationship and can miss the closeness of a regular companion? So I don't think what you're feeling is anything unusual, although crap to feel. Hang in there, I am sure someone will be along soon but I am glad you are finding happiness in yourself first of all, as that will make for a better new relationship anyway =)
Thanks guys- I think I just needed to say it out loud! And I do think that a nice guy will come along when I least expect it...and really clashofclanswidow, things are so much easier now. Nothing has changed- except me getting used to things I think. And I am so so so thankful that I have the kids almost all the time, even though sometimes it is hard- I love them so much it is worth it. I think I just need to swear of OL dating. It promises so much! And delivers so little...
I am missing- not only having a partner over the last year...but frankly ever having the closeness of a proper relationship. I dream of having a Sunday morning sleep-in with someone, even if it doesn't last. The exOH was just such an emotionally distant and unengaged d**k. The damage is deep but at least I know it's there and I can help myself heal.
I guess I thought I'd at least have a chance of finding it the last year- I know I still do too...just the hopes feel dashed every time a new prospect unveils themselves as just another weirdo...
But HOPE! I know there's great guys out there- and chasing the dream isn't the way to find love- it's better if it sneaks up on you...
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