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I feel at breaking point.

(24 Posts)
NaraDeer Fri 04-Mar-16 12:25:59

I feel spread so thin and I feel like I'm going to break soon.

At the moment I'm screaming/crying/punching myself whilst locked in the bedroom just to try and release some emotion.

If I tried to explain everything going on the post would be too long for anyone to read.

What can you do when everyone relies on you to help them but don't help themselves or even you in return for that matter?

Sometimes I just wish I could disappear.

MoominPie22 Fri 04-Mar-16 12:35:20

Are you married with kids? Is it the pressure from your family which is making you feel this way?

Keep posting for support. More will be along soon flowers

Getit Fri 04-Mar-16 12:35:20

Hi I'm sorry you are feeling so upset . it sounds like you have a great deal to cope with. Is there something in particular that has pushed you over the edge?

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 04-Mar-16 12:36:03

didn't want to read and run. im so sorry you are feeling so low.

Is it family/friends you are referring to?

take a deep breath and try to calm down if you can (sorry if that sounds patronising, but counting to 10 and breathing deeply helps when im in a mess)


Marchate Fri 04-Mar-16 12:37:33

Can I ask how many people are relying on your help? Is it family? Partner? Colleagues?

A better plan than disappearing is to sort the problem as best you can. And find a way to avoid similar situations in future. Not always easy, but better than being so upset

Take care x

cocochanel21 Fri 04-Mar-16 12:40:06

Hope your ok

Sometimes I've wanted to run away and never come back.

Take Care

FetchezLaVache Fri 04-Mar-16 12:43:59

Lovely, you need to take care of yourself too, not just other people. If it's all going one way (and it sounds like it is), you CAN just tell them you're no longer prepared to shoulder their emotional burden whilst they do nothing to help themselves. Please don't hurt yourself. flowers

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 04-Mar-16 14:46:01

Are you ok OP? xxx

NaraDeer Fri 04-Mar-16 15:07:48

At the moment I'm a SAHM to a DD (2) who has a speech delay and is non verbal, funnily enough she's the easiest person to look after.

My DM is 70 and is in the process of being diagnosed with dementia. I help do her housework, bills, shopping and mainly try to help her with her mental health which is very bad. She lives alone and her other (actual biological adult children, I'm not her diplodocus daughter) don't help her at all.
What set me off today was for the last few weeks I've been taking her to see the GP or nurse 2/3 times a week and today she's been told she needs medicine for sky high blood pressure especially as both her parents died from strokes. She won't swallow pills so I had to battle to get the GP to prescribe it as a syrup (it apparently costs £130 which he wasn't happy about) and literally as soon as he gives in and goes to give her the prescription he mentions a side effect is swollen ankles and that makes DM refuse to take the medicine.
Doctor kept trying to explain now serious her blood pressure was and how high the risk of a stroke for her was but she just refuses.

I try and do everything for her and have since my "D"F left when I was 10.
She's always had poor mental health and she doesn't understand other people have emotions. For example an old friend told her that her husband had died and my DM replied that she had had a bad cold recently.
DM couldn't tell you a single thing about me as it doesn't occur to her to show any interest in my life, everything is about her and how she feels and even when DD was a newborn I'd have to revolve around DM to go/do what she wanted, when she wanted.
She's not a bad person, nothing she does is out of malice or even selfishness, I truest believe that she has undiagnosed issues and I've just accepted that I need to mother her rather than the other way around.

MIL has recently started having serious heath issues and I'm worried sick about her. She's the only person who ever comes over and looks after DD for a few hours so I can do housework or look after my DM so of course I don't want to make her worse by her coming over once a week and I'm trying to support her and lessen her load too.

I babysit my best friends baby as well although I'm starting to do this less as I'm just finding it too much in between everything else which I feel bad about.

Plus I'm having physio at the moment for injuries caused in a car accident so I'm in a lot of pain.

I wish I could just be stronger and get on with life like everyone else does.

NaraDeer Fri 04-Mar-16 15:08:24

Oh god that was an essay. Sorry I'm just being stupid.

nicenewdusters Fri 04-Mar-16 19:57:13

I don't think you're being stupid at all. That's an enormous amount to cope with all at once. No wonder you need the odd scream and cry. You sound very caring and kind, and you're totally allowed to feel sorry for yourself every now and again. I know people who's lives don't involve anything like yours, and they could make self-pity an Olympic sport!

springydaffs Fri 04-Mar-16 20:24:35

Just a thought: if we grew up with little or no nurturing we can default into nurturing other people as compensation.. and a compulsion. It's called codependence - and can get into every bloody thing confused. It's particularly bad for us bcs we can be unnaturally blind to our own needs (eg not notice when we are not getting anything back) and can run ourselves into the ground. It sounds like you may be there?

I'm concerned you are hitting yourself at a time of immense stress. Do you have a good gp? You have so much on your plate it is no wonder you feel you are crumbling. I'm so sorry to hear about the constant pain - that can wear ppl down in record time.

I'd like to give you a hug, actually. Is there anyone in your life who does that for you?

Marchate Fri 04-Mar-16 20:31:54

You wish you could be stronger? The vast amount of strength you have is astounding!

What you need is support. Respite occasionally. Are you claiming careers' allowance. That opens doors to some services

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Mar-16 20:54:10

Wow, that's all very hard. No wonder you are feeling the strain.

Ok, time to be straight because things won't get any better unless there are some changes. Your dd is your priority here. Plus looking after yourself because if you are a wreck the whole thing goes wrong.

Your DM is an adult and making poor decisions because of her mental health but they are her decisions. I suggest you have a chat with her GP who you seem to know and tell him that you cannot continue to profits this level of support. She needs a SS assessment because if she has dementia her needs will continue to rise and you cannot meet them all yourself. Is she receiving all the benefits she can claim to buy in additional support? You need to also be clear with your mum that you are not able to be there all the time.

You need to tell your friend that you cannot continue with babysitting. Maybe she can help you?

Sorry to hear MIL is also unwell, is she needing care? Also you don't mention dh but presumably he's stepping up and helping you and her as well?

Can you start with a chat with dh and tell him you are not coping? Then book a GP visit to ask to be assessed for stress and depression. Again, check if there is more support for you re dd.

You cannot be the only person who is holding all this together. Nobody can. Speak up, have a day off and take care. Life can and will get better.

NaraDeer Sat 05-Mar-16 00:13:20

I'm a bit overwhelmed that you've all been so nice, thank you. It's made me a cry a bit again (but in a good way)
I was expecting to be told to that life's tough and not be so overdramatic.

nicenewdusters, the self pity Olympics did make me smile smile

springydaffs I've never thought about it but yes I think you've hit the nail on the head. My relationship with DM is very codependent.
She's had such a hard life and I have aways sacrificed my own time, health and money to try and give her as much happiness as possible.
I shouldn't of said about the punching. I used to self harm when I was younger and only when I am at rock bottom (and completely alone, when DD is somewhere else completely with DH or DMIL) I have a bad habit of punching myself a bit.
I know it's stupid and I think it goes back to being hit/seeing others hit by "D"F as a child.
I mustn't do it. I will try really hard not to do it again.

I'm currently coming off of antidepressants which I've been taking on and off for 10 years.
Unfortunately I started lowering the dose about two months before everything kicked off and I really don't want to go back to the high dose when I've come so far.

Marchate no I'm not claiming it as I've never thought that what I do for DM is being a carer to be honest.

MatildaTheCat yes you are completely right. DD is priority and comes before anyone and anything. I always make sure that she is happy and looked after and everyone else can be looked after second.

With regards to reducing the help I give to DM… I don't think I could.
She doesn't get any help,l or benefits and as it stands she's not (yet) a danger to herself as GP has assessed and she's able to go out by herself and probably could do the more psychical stuff too but I don't think it's fair on her to have to do that when she suffers from arthritis.

It's the mental and emotional side of looking after that has the biggest affect on me. Even if I go a day without seeing her I need to text and call her constantly because she needs constant reassurance that everything is ok.
She worries about everything.
Literally everything.
Someone sneezed when she was on the bus = many phone calls to persuade her she won't get flu
Her chocolate packet touched the floor = reassurance it's ok to eat.
She has, I want to say almost OCD like tendencies. She must catch the same time bus if she's going to town. She will eat the same food items every single day at the same time every day and will not even entertain the idea of eating anything different.

Sorry I'm babbling again. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel sorry for her. She has a huge family and no one helps apart from me and I just couldn't see her suffer with her anxiety and not try and help her.
I will run myself into the ground if it means she and DD are both happy.

I have cut the babysitting right back I've only had him a few times on the past couple of months. I shouldn't of even moaned about that. They did have DD a bit when she was a baby and I honestly wouldn't expect them to take on a toddler when they're still getting used to having a baby themselves.

MIL is being looked at to see what's causing her problems. She has a huge heart and the last thing she wants is to cause me or DH any worry. She's suffering with anxiety and depression awfully at the moment and I feel awful that she comes round to look after DD when she's not well herself.

DH has a huge heart and really tries to help.
He can't do much with regards to DM apart from listen and support me but he wakes up every single morning with DD as he knows I don't get to sleep until the early hours of the morning (at best) we had marriage problems and came close to divorcing (lying and hiding things on his part) but he's seeing a councillor now and we're better than we were.

Sorry I've typed an essay again. blush
I can't really say all this in real life to anyone and it's quite therapeutic just getting it out there.

Marchate Sat 05-Mar-16 00:22:41

You are a carer. That's in addition to being a daughter. Does your mum get attendance allowance? If not you should find out about it. That will allow you to claim carer's allowance

It's what these payments are for. At least look at for information

NaraDeer Sat 05-Mar-16 00:46:33

Thank you Marchate. She doesn't get anything apart from her pension at the moment. I never would have thought about that. I will have a look.

smilingeyes79 Sat 05-Mar-16 01:54:28

Ask for Age UK to come out and do a benefit assessment for your DM ... she might be entitled to Pension Credit and Attendance Allowance. Is she gets AA you can apply for carers allowance.
I know money isn't always the answer but it can help ease some burdens. AGE UK cam also help maybe with providing a befriending service ... someone to visit and chat with your DM. Might just give you a dats rest when you know someone else has been to see her.
Also if DM is diagnosed with dementia ask about being put in touch with the Admiral Nurses ... they are specialists in dementia and offer help and support to the patient and family.

Easier said than done but be kind to yourself hun ... your doing a fantastic job keeping going and all those major 'plates' spinning. It's ok and indeed I would applaud anyone who asks for help ... in helping yourself and your well being your also making sure you can keep helping your family. Big hugs x
I have looked after 2 v close relations with different types of dementia and both had anxieties or depression / mh problems before ... pm me anytime you want to let off steam smilecakebrewflowers

MatildaTheCat Sat 05-Mar-16 09:17:27

You are very much her carer. I absolutely second asking Age Uk to come and assess re benefits and they will also fill in the forms. If your DM does get a dementia diagnosis it will add weight to Attendance Allowance but her mh difficulties would probably qualify her. Although you say you cannot reduce what you are doing she currently has no boundaries. She thinks it's fine to call you 24/7 to go over and over her needs: that is unsustainable. Why can't anyone else help within the family?

Have to smile at you OP autocorrect 'diplodocus daughter' grin. Anyway, make sure others know what's going on and state the need for a family meeting to discuss.

Do have a chat with your GP, it's great that you are reducing your anti ds but clearly having some wobbles and they may be able to offer more support.

I hear what you are saying about your friend but maybe she can help with your dd a bit even if not full care?

Anyway, getting your fears out there has hopefully shown you that people do care, this isn't a normal situation and everyone has a tipping point. Ask for help and accept it? flowers

springydaffs Sat 05-Mar-16 12:29:38

Well. I feel sorry for YOU sweetheart. It doesn't look like you have the capacity to feel appropriately sorry for yourself <heart>

Which means you don't know how to look after yourself. Back to the codependency again - do look up Melodie Beattie and get some of her books. There's also CoDA, which is a self -help 12-step group for codependents. You'd fit right in there love.

You might also get some support for self -harming - which, though not as bad as it was, is still running under the surface if you're hitting yourself. There's no should or shouldn't about it ; it comes from a place of trauma. Another opportunity to have compassion for yourself (not to tell yourself off). Emotional and psychological damage is as bad as physical damage - would you tell yourself off if you couldn't walk bcs of an accident? You wouldn't.

Great suggestions on here to tackle especially your mum's problems. It is untenable for one person to absorb this level of your mum's mental health. Particularly as your mum sucks you dry to the very very bone. Whether intentionally or not on her part, you need to utilise the support and funds available out there.

But do look into codependency - look properly. It is quite a complex illness that needs a lot of intervention and support, ongoing.

Openmindedmonkey Sat 05-Mar-16 12:47:54

I to didn't want to read & run, so please accept these flowers they don't need watering nor will the petals fall off or the leaves go brown, they'll always be beautiful & bright for you grin
You sound amazing, I'd love to be your friend IRL - take care of yourself yourself & I hope you, DH & your DD have a good weekend together xx

NaraDeer Sun 06-Mar-16 21:17:05

smiling thank you for all that information, I will look into it all. Of course I'm hoping as hard as I can that she doesn't have dementia but if she doesn't, I'm certain there is something going on. I really appreciate your offer of talking over PM smile

Matilda why can't the family help, I wish I knew. They're all 20 years older than me, with grown up kids of their own. They all suffer from health issues, as do I, but they don't seem very close to her. It seems to stem back to them being very unhappy when she took me in as a baby.

I laughed myself at diplodocus daughter!
Good job autocorrect!

I'm due to see GP soon to see how reducing antidepressants are going so I will discuss the increased pressure I'm under and see what they suggest.

You're right, I do need to learn that it's ok to not be able to do and be everything for everyone.

springy I will absolutely look into that more. Thank you for helping me seeing what type of relationship I'm in.

monkey thank you, they're lovely! grin

Again, and I know this is probably over the top, but thanks again to everyone who's posted here.
I know it's a bit sad, but the level of kindness everyone's shown has honestly touched me.

I feel sick to my stomach about DM being diagnosed but at least then we'll know where we are and it might help her other DC be more sympathetic towards her.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 06-Mar-16 22:14:30

Please, if you need to up your meds, do so. Or at least for a short while to see if it will help. They may get you in a better place to be able to follow the v useful advice given by PP. brew

NaraDeer Wed 09-Mar-16 10:56:28

I think I'm going to have to Silvery.

The only part of her blood test that's come back so far is for her thyroid and they want to speak to her urgently about it.
Looking into thyroid I've seen that it can cause tiredness, depression and memory issues. Part of me is hoping that it's all just because of that and now it's been detected she can get treated and will get better.
The other part of me knows it won't be that easy or simple.

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