mediation today

[Winniethewylde]

First appointment today. Really nervous and really worried I'm going to get completely bamboozled by my ex. I'm a SAHM and I think my brain has just turned to mush.

Has anyone got any positive thoughts or advice for me?

[Helennn]

Only just read this so not sure if I am too late but just wanted to say Good Luck! I am just starting the divorce process so not done it before and not sure if to, for the same reasons as you. Any advice for people who have done it before would be appreciated.

I think the only thing to bear in mind is do not agree to anything if you are not 100% confident that you fully understand what you are agreeing to and are happy with it. Stand up for yourself and don't be bamboozled. Ask for a break for the toilet if you need to, take pen and paper with you and write it down. If you still don't fully understand then say you need to go away and think about it.

Best of luck, let us know how you got on.

[starry0ne]

I did it...First appointment was to talk to me alone about what I considered the issues to be..

The appointment with ex..Mediator got us to set an agenda... She pulled it back into line when we wondered away from the topic....However my ex was very unreasonable...( complex issues involved) I walked out..Mediator followed and agreed it was pointless. ( although don't think they were her words.)

Good luck but do think what is in the best interest of you DC... If this is about contact do consider how it will be when DC is at school so you have quality time too.

[Winniethewylde]

I had my appointment on my own a while ago, this is our first joint one. I'm divorcing him for his unreasonable behaviour. Amongst other things he has been emotionally and financially controlling. So I'm not looking forward to it for those reasons mainly.

[Marchate]

Emotional abuse should flag up NO JOINT COUNSELLING

Prepare to hear a list of your faults, how they affect him, and that he is the poor soul who suffered throughout the relationship

You may as well amuse yourself by taking a tick-list along to the session, see how high he scores

[Helennn]

It's not for counselling Marchate, it's for mediation re divorce.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If there is concern about sitting in the same room as an abusive spouse, this should be made clear to the mediation service who can arrange for the session(s) to take place with the parties being accomodated in separate rooms.

Remember that the mediation process is as much about negotiation as it is about resolution and it's not unreasonable to ask for time to think about what is being proposed by the other side, and more particularly if you feel blindsided by any proposal that's put to you.

[starry0ne]

How did it go today?

[ohforfoxsake]

It's not therapy, it's to sort practicalities out in a way that is fair to you both.

Be prepared. Work out what you have and what you need. You mediator will guide you. Do a budget, know what you are entitled to re benefits if any, try to get a detailed picture of where you are financial WRT marital assets, money in the bank etc.

We agreed not to discuss it outside the mediation room. That helped.

There were times emotions and frustrations boiled over, but that was mainly as we were near the end of the process.

My XH is an emotional abuser. We were still in the same house for most of it. It was hard, but it was ok.

[Winniethewylde]

We're still in the same house too which is making the whole process harder. It wasn't too bad, mostly worked things out around the children for this appointment, he was still being very awkward to start with, saying he couldn't do midweek contact because of work etc but the mediator was great and came up with other solutions that he couldn't help but agree with. Only scratched the surface of the financial stuff and next appointment isn't until 2 weeks time. Frustrating having to wait that long but at least we've started down the right road and I'm another day closer to having a life.

[ohforfoxsake]

It's all a process and it sounds like your mediator is guiding you. Treat it like a business meeting is my advice.

Get your ducks in a row WRT finances. Out mediator brought in a financial adviser to deal with the pension sharing and that was really helpful. Start preparing a spreadsheet of every tiny little expenditure, and unforeseen ones. Think about what your retirement will look like. A large proportion of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women. If you are the main earner, how do the figures stack up for him - will you be sharing your pension? Can you claim any benefits depending on your situation? Entitledto.com is helpful here.

Everything we got out of mediation formed the basis of our court order.

One thing I regret is I didn't get an agreement on access WRT children. I bitterly regret it truth be told as I've met someone else and have nothing in place so he largely controls the logistics of my relationship. I didn't realise at the time, I thought I'd just have the children 100% of the time and he wanted to have a flexible arrangement anyway. Now I realise that a flexible arrangement involves me being flexible 100% and him 0%.

I was entirely supportive of XHs move - did house hunting with him, and this really helped the children and our separation to go smoothly. He made a poor choice in his housing (in my opinion) but has set himself up in a bachelor pad which he loves and is too small to have his children stay together. Also, I do not recommend living two streets apart.

[Winniethewylde]

Thank you so much for your advice but can I just ask why you wouldn't recommend living 2 streets apart? We Iive in a small town with neither of us planning on moving so we assumed it would be good to live near to each other??

[heidiwine]

We live in a big city but only a couple of streets apart from DPs ex wife. Living that close is definitely not what we'd choose if it weren't for the children. For the children though it's perfect, especially as they get older. So, in don't think there's anything wrong with being close in distance... In fact I think it's good for kids - takes some of the stress away from them.

[ohforfoxsake]

Because it affords him the privilege of popping in to have his 'fix' so he doesn't do any actual parenting, but is constantly around. So he is always popping in. Sometimes a child or two will stay at his but he doesn't feed them as they are home in two minutes. So yes it's good for the kids insomuch as they see him, but he isn't engaged with them. My DCs have very low expectations of him anyway.

There is also the fact that I bump into him when he's off out and that rubs my nose in it. He has freedom. I have none because there is no need for the children to stay at his. If he was further away he would have to have them to stay and hve to take proper care of them.

I have the fear that I will bump into him and his gf (who predates our separation). Worse still I worry I will bump into them and her DS - which would really rub my kids nose in it as he doesn't take them out.

Then there's him texting the kids asking who's car is in my drive etc. (Although he still feels this is his home as well as he pays for it.)

Sometimes I feel I can't breathe for his prescence. I have a new relationship but neither of us want to bump into him so we don't go out where I live.

[ohforfoxsake]

OP, my XH was emotionally and financially controlling as well. Very firm boundaries need to be established from the outset. I can't stress that enough. My XH continues to attempt to emotionally control me (the court order prevents him controlling me financially). He uses the kids, he doesn't support me, give me any respite and his family support him (despite knowing what he did) not our children. I have no family nearby as no support. One day you may want to enter a new relationship. Your children will get older and be able to see their father on their terms. You must look ahead and decide how you want this to be for the here and now, and for the future.