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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please someone talk to me im falling apart

75 replies

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 01:49

Is anyone up? Pls somebody talk to me ive just found my boyfriends profile online wish id never looked now i dont know what to do im shaking and keep being sick
Ive got so much going on in my personal life atm i cant take this aswell

OP posts:

Report

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 01:52

I dont know how to tell how old the profile is....we have been together 3 yrs and met on the same site ive just seen him on but this was not his username or profile bk then
Will explain how i found it if anyone wants to chat i was not looking to cheat myself at all thats not how i saw it but know thats what he will say if i confront him
I dont know what to do i cant stop crying and shaking

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Aussiebean · 04/03/2016 01:56

I am here, but not for long unfortunately

First thing first is to go and make yourself a cup of tea. It will be something to think about and help calm you.

Try and eat something plain as well. Again give your brain something else to think about.

What website is it. I can't help with working out how old it is, but someone might.

Also tell him that a friend saw the profile and told you about it. Thats how you know

Aussiebean · 04/03/2016 01:57

Oh, and take screen shots of the profile

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:00

Thank you for replying , its on plenty of fish

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:02

Hi whatamerryxmas. I am across the pond, so still up for sometime. Yes, go grab a up of tea and try to not rush to conclusions. Also wait to have a cold head before confronting him. How old are you? Do you live together?

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:04

Im 30 and no we dont live together yet
Thank you for speaking to me im going out of my mind here
I wish i hadnt looked i thought he was being cruel and inconsiderate but never thought he would do this with how low he knows i am atm

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Marzipants · 04/03/2016 02:08

Sweetheart, if he's cruel and inconsiderate why is he your bf?

torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:08

He is being cruel and inconsiderate? That sounds even worse . Youbwere on tbe site because you were suspicious? Were you checking on him? And maybe silly, but are you sure is his profile?

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:11

Its definetley him 100% theres photos dont know how knew the photos are they arent ones ive ever seen but some of the stuff written on the profile would suggest its quite recent last few months or so ....
He is inconsiderate but ive been persevering as i do love him so much and he says he loves me and i cant cope with loosing him too atm

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whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:13

I wasnt even on the site at all i just typed his name, age and hometown into google and the profile popped up
Why did i look!!! My whole worlds just fell apart with that one stupid idea

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Sweetandsour93 · 04/03/2016 02:18

I'm so sorry for you :( I found my ex on POF and even that made me feel weird, I can't imagine how you must feel right now. At the moment it's a big shock and it will feel like everything is falling apart but I promise it will get easier. At least you know what he is like and that you deserve so much better!

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:20

I dont want to confront him i cant bear the thought of it being over
Hes out tonight and uncontactable so i guess i know what hes doing i dont even know what to say to him if we speak tomorrow

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:28

He is inconsiderate but ive been persevering as i do love him so much
This sounds as an unhealthy dependency. You deserve to be treated with love and if he is inconsiderate with you, you are well rid of. It is painful, but believe me, in a few weeks, you will feel better. The first few days are all tears and hurt, but you will get stronger.
I am in the middle of a breakup myself. The first two weeks I was in denial. I had hope it would be fixed, I didn't want to believe that it was happening. I couldn't stop crying. I lost 10 pounds, my eyes were sore. I am 5 months on now and I can't wait for him to leave (still in the same house due to legal process). From the distance I can't believe I was so desperate to fix things. I am not going to lie, I have good and bad days, but one thing is clear: better alone that in bad company.

Why did i look!!!
I think that we all have that intuition when something is not right, and this was your lucky strike! Another push to get away from him.

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:30

I didnt want the confirmation from him that i meant nothing i cant take that as i love him so much i wish i hadnt looked :(

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:34

You are in shock. But look, it is not only that he is on an OLD site (that is totally unacceptable for somebody in a commited relationship of 3 years), you say that he is treating you badly. And that is enough reason to LTB.
Take your time, don't confront him until you are ready. You say that there is a lot going on at the moment in your life, so maybe you are more inclined to want to believe whatever bullshit he feeds you. Because you will not want to believe he is a bad guy. Just wait until you are ready.

Do you want to talk about what else is happenning to you? Do you have family or friends in RL providing emotional support?

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:40

I dont have many friends in RL im very isolated being on my own with my kids i dont get any free time and people are always too busy to come and see me which i understand
My one outlet in life was my job which i adored but we have gone through a restructure in the last month and the options were interview for my own job against my colleagues which i have no confidence to do or take voluntary redundancy
He convinced me to take the redundancy which i was scared of doing as im so lonely work was my only company as i hardly ever see him but he promised he would be there and i wouldnt be lonely he hasnt so far but now its too late and ive lost my job and now it seems him too :(

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whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:42

I live far away from my family and hardly ever see them either him and work were my only company

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:52

You say that you have kids. How old are they?

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:52

They are 8 and 3

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 02:56

Take the redundancy as an opportunity to catch up, meet with some friends/acquantainces for coffee while you interview for a new job. It looks like you have low self esteem and you need to work on it. That is probably why you are putting up with somebody who is not treating you well. You deserve nothing less than being treated with love and respect. Find your strengths and work on your confidence. Your self worth doesn't come from others, but from yourself.

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 02:59

Ive got no one now work and him were my only company
How could he tell me to give up work knowing how much i loved the company i got there when he knew he was doing this....its so cruel :(

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stargirl04 · 04/03/2016 02:59

I'm up still. You sound as though you need support in RL. I found my ex on POF too. I don't recommend it but I set up a fake profile to catch him and he fell for it. But I didn't need to do that - he told a pack of lies anyway. It should have been enough for me to see on his profile the words "online today". Can you see when he was last online? If you confront him, be prepared for him to deny it or claim that it wasn't him online but his mates mucking about, or some other crock of the proverbial. Cheaters are liars too, and you won't get the truth from him. X

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torontonian · 04/03/2016 03:00

Do you have your kids all the time or do they visit their father?
I have 2 kids under 3. I try to arrange playdates for them, so I can get out of the house and see/talk with other adults. I find that usually other mothers are very receptive as they also feel that they don't have lots of adult time themselves. Maybe with the 8 years old you can try some activity where you can also meet other parents. The park down the street is a good place for small talk in my neighbourhood as there are a lot of young families. You don't get to build a friendship in a day, but the fact that you can talk to people is a breeze of fresh air sometimes. Just don't stay home.

LeaLeander · 04/03/2016 03:03

You are very young and can rebound from this low point. You don't need to be dragged lower by a cheating, mean user.

Think of your kids. Be strong for them. Where are their father and grandparents? Can you move in with or closer to family?
Is any jobs counseling or social work available?
You are understandably sad now but don't let this man determine quality of life for you or your kids. Relationships can be nice (yours is not) but you won't die without one. You have children to raise. Focus on them.

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 03:04

It doesnt say when he was last online from the google search that brought his profile straight up
Ive tried going onto the site and putting in his age range and hometown as it lists people in last online order but cant find it on there at all like that????
I cant bear to confront him hes being really offish with me anyway so i dont know if hw will call tomorrow, he didnt call to say night tonight after going for a drink with his "mate" like he promised he would so guess wasnt with his mate anyway
My kids dad is awful and has them 1 day a fortnight but not overnight so i dont really get any time on my own

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