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Is it time to break up?(26 Posts)
I'm a regular poster but have name changed as some of my rl friends are on here.
I've been with dp for almost 7 years. We have 2dc under 3. Dp has never been a real go getter so I have taken the lead with most decisions. I am in a senior position at work so I'm used to being in a position to take charge. Over the years I've battled with trying not to be the boss st home but trying to gently push dp into being more proactive, especially since we've had dc. The truth is I can't do it and I'm finding myself feeling more and more annoyed at his lack of drive in anything. He has an ok job and has been in it for many years so he's good at it but the pay could be better but he's quite happy there. He had many hobbies when I first met him but he stopped them years ago, he regularly complains about missing them but has not re-started them even with my gentle nudging. I'm currently on mat leave and will be returning in 6mo with the aim of continuing up the career ladder.
Around the house he will do things that I ask but will rarely take the initiative to get the usual things done. He job is not particularly strenuous but he's always tired when he comes him from work so barely does anything in the evening and likes to potter around at home during the weekend, unless I ask him to take dc out. I hate being stuck indoors so I usually take the Dc out on my own at the weekend.
I'm not sure if it's bothering me more because I'm at home all the time but it's really getting to me and making me worried about life when I'm back at work. I feel like my brain is filled with stuff all the time such as the dc, what to have for dinner, washing, ironing, mess, errands, planning days out and life in general and he just hangs around waiting for me to tell him what to do.
We've had so many arguments about this and he'll have a few days of just getting things done without me having to ask, then slowly he'll get lazy again and we'll be back to me asking
I've also gone through phases where I've thought 'just leave him' and got on with things, but then resentment builds up and I'm super snappy at him but don't want to make an argument so I hold it in silently seething as I watch him do fuck all.
My thought is that life is at home so this is where the effort should be put in, where as it seems like his very dull job gets all of him and we are left the dregs.
I think I would cut him more slack if he had hobbies, gym, stressful job, took the dc out all the time etc but the has none of the above, he's quite happy with our set up where as I feel like there is so much I want to do and that needs doing but I'm doing it all alone.
Well done if you've got this far! I'm so sick of arguing about the same thing I just don't know what to do. He is a great dad to the dc and he does have some great qualities, but I'm not sure if this is something I just have to put up with or will we eventually have to go our separate ways.
Any advice is appreciated.
Such a shame to read that . Was he like this before the children came along and/or you were married?.
You're situation sounds in some ways very similar to mine. I gave up in the end and its so much better. I think that I had slowly slid into the situation I was in so underestimated how unhappy it was making me. Now that its over I can't believe that I didn't end it sooner.
He's always been the same, it just never bothered me before dc as my life was filled with a full time job and nights out with my friends.
There were lots of sunny weekends that i'd wake up excited to do things and he would be happy staying at home, even payday weekends when is want to eat out and have a treat he never wanted to. When I became pregnant and stopped drinking, that became the reason why we didn't go out. He'd ignore housework or do it badly so I would do it properly, as it the mess bothered me. I like a clean house so I'd be the one keeping it clean.
I don't want to think about it too much because he hasn't changed at all its my fault for thinking he would.
You only live once... Is it worth being extremely clear with him that you can't carry on like this, to give him one final chance to change. My H was like this though - the fact that it would partially improve and then slip back again, and that that had happened so many times helped to convince me that there was no chance of sustained improvement.
What does he do that means he's a great dad?
With 2 DC under 2 and on maternity leave I wouldn't be advising leaving any time soon...
when you do don't expect him to step up being Disney Dad either. You'd probably have to organize everything anyway too. The fact is he is passive and that is his basic nature.
You sound amazing by the way. 5 years down the line you could be living the life you want
without an adult child around
I speak as a lone parent. Not easy but better than a bad alternative.
I don't see not sharing hobbies as a deal breaker, nor the lack of career ambition if he has a good work ethic, but the lack of division of labour in the house would upset me greatly and I don't think I could put up with that. As for days out and things there are many things my partner enjoys that I don't particularly care for but I will do them with him (comic con bleurgh!) Because he enjoys it and it makes him happy. Its the same with him. He comes to salsa events with me even though he would rather watch match of the day. Its compromise. Your husband seems happy with things as they are and doesn't care.
the desperately sad thing about almost all the threads on Relationships that have this type of question in the title, is I generally know that the answer is 'yes' before I even read the original post. But I don't think in your case it is
Having read your post, it sounds as though his life is or has shrunk, atrophied, while yours hasn't. So he's unlikely to change - given that he's 'atrophied' or 'stalled', so the direction of travel, unless serious action is taken to divert the ship, is likely to be towards things worsening.
What are the conversations like, that you have with him, about his behaviour/interactions/feelings/needs? Do you get down to talking about his needs, or does the conversation stay at the 'why don't you go to the gym etc' level? If you're able to talk about your longer term vision for the family, what values and behaviours you want to model, then stick with it and have better, more impactful conversations that may actually result in his changing his engagement with you and your DCs.
I don't agree with labelling it typical make behaviour, that just makes it seem that his laziness is acceptable and it is not.
bucking I don't feel we are at the end of the road yet but we are heading in that direction, the thought of another 7 years like this fills me with dread.
When I try and talk to him he'll let a big over exaggerated sigh and ask 'what have I done now', it changes the tone of the convo immediately and suddenly I'm talking lots and he's distracted so is hurrying me along so I can get on with it. He will refuse to contribute other than just agree with me so I can shut up, so I am nagging. I fucking hate it.
Talking to him about our future is like talking to stranger, he basically says yes babe whatever you want to do, but in a very passive way, he just wants to worry about tomorro and that involves work then home for the day, he doesn't want to think
about next month/year/5 years.
During these conversations I am almost biting tongue off, stopping myself shaking him to wake up and shouting at him because he will then just walk away and the convo is finished but equally this way isn't working either.
He irritates you and you are bored of him.
Division of labour causes many issues. I have a DH who has a high powered long hours job. He does assist round the house but I more often than not have to ask but it's a pay off as he brings in the dosh.
Think about what it would be like being alone and then put some time aside to discuss it properly don't try to start to have a sensible discussion just after he has annoyed you as he has walked past the laundry basket and not noticed it or some other domestic dispute. Literally make an appointment and state your case.
Seems to me that your going on diverging paths and some serious communications are in order to see if you can come to some compromise about your differing "directions" as it looks like its on the road to ruin if you can't agree to differ, as it were:-(
He sounds a little bit passive aggressive to me. The doing housework badly so you have to do it, the exaggerated sigh and changing the tone of the conversation, making you feel like you're nagging, agreeing so you'll shut up etc. These things don't make for a fair fight.
Sorry no advice though!! I struggled with these things too and eventually realised it was, in my dh's case, just one way he could ensure he got his own way.
This thread was on the back of him not doing something around the house so I think you are right piemernator that I should find a good time to bring it up when I'm not tempted to throttle him.
It's gets frustrating when I let it all out and then he says 'ok I'm sorry, I'll do more' then I can't keep repeating myself I have to just wait and see, and I KNOW it'll
Only be temporary.
I saw that thread about incompetent husbands and it made me sad that actually a lot of men are like this, and should it be the end of the road for me and my dp, it's likely I will end up with the same issues with another man.
I will talk to him and make it clear it's coming up to the last straw. Thanks again for the advice.
Isthismylife83 Well i suppose it might be worth trying arbitration like say Relate counselling it might work, it might be good to have some open communication with a third party arbitrator.
You may not change him but you might come to accept him see him in another way perhaps?. And no I disagree that not all men are like that, some are completely like you and worse!, if that be the right word LOL!.
So he's lazy and refuses to take on his share of the parenting and housework?
Is that what annoys you? Or is it his lack of ambition at work ?
OP, is my DH living with you? There's so much here that I could have written myself. Mine floats along waiting for life to come to him, whilst I'm proactive and determined to build a better life. The heavy sighs, the 'I knew it would somehow be my fault' comments, the surrender of anything resembling independent thought or initiative, the total lack of ambition, the pretended helpfulness followed by ineptitude ... I just grit my teeth and get on with things when all I really want to do is shake him until his eyes roll. I'm just marking time until I can leave. The knowledge that I won't have to put up with his behaviour forever is all that keeps me sane.
Nothing I've tried over many years has brought any change. It's possibly just that each of us has become more "ourselves" as we've got older, until our personalities have diverged so much that we can't possibly be happy together. I doubt you'll be able to effect much change in your DP. It will likely come down to a choice for you - are you willing to continue as you are now, or will you be happier on your own? If you decide you've had enough, I agree with Iflyaway - you're vulnerable right now so don't be in a hurry to go. If you leave, your responsibility will be to yourself and your children, not to him, so make sure you have your feet under yourself first.
Just out of interest If i may, where they like that before you married and settled down or have they changed afterwards that's to say the lack of ambition and drive?.
Reading your opening post I thought that there was an element of displacement going on. You have dissatisfaction elsewhere in your life and are putting it all on your husband.
Sorry late back to this!
justaboy I think I DO need to change the way I see things as I'm sure he will not change now. He has always been this way, but there has always been a reason why he has not tried to further/upgrade his career. Now its dawning on me that he just doesn't want to.
Kr1stina I think its both. His lack of ambition means that we are struggling financially and will be even more so when I am back at work and we have to put 2 children in childcare.
RedMapleLeaf I disagree. I am enjoying spending time with my children, having fun days out and I am enjoying taking pride in my home but I feel like he is a spare part and not really contributing to either.
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