Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When did you know it was love?

(26 Posts)
MrTCakes Thu 03-Mar-16 19:17:26

I have been seeing someone for 4 months now and think that I am falling for him. I am divorced and have had previous relationships but I have never felt like this about a man before. When I am with him I just feel 'right'.

So how long had you been with your other half when you realised you were in love? And was it a sudden realisation or did it take a while for you to admit it?

Kanewreck Thu 03-Mar-16 19:19:05

I think it depends. Sometimes quite quickly. Falling in love with myself is an ongoing process

SoThatHappened Thu 03-Mar-16 19:24:20

On the fourth date. I liked him alot. But on the fourth date in the back row of the cinema, he loosened his tie, put his arm around me and kissed my forehead and that was it.

I felt the most incredible feeling I had ever had and I'd never felt it before. By date 6/7 we were saying to each other where have you been all my life.

Less than a year later he cheated on me and married her.

Oh well.

Still never felt like that before and I dont think I ever will.

Patheticfallacy Thu 03-Mar-16 21:14:43

I think that heady crazy feeling is limerence, not love.
For me it grew slowly. There was an intense sexual attraction and I liked him. His voice, his mannerisms, his honesty. I think I knew I would fall for him. But maybe four or five months in we were cuddling and I said 'I think I'm getting attached' and he said 'I think I am as well. '
We didn't say the words till a month later but I knew then.

JustHavinABreak Thu 03-Mar-16 21:17:46

By the end of our first date. That was 14 years ago and we're now married with two beautiful kids grin

WeveGotAHomelessLove Thu 03-Mar-16 21:22:41

For me it was about two months (very quickly i admit) i knew from the moment i saw her that i was gonna fall in love although i had never been in love before.

We had been dating for 8 weeks, she had children so it was hard to get alone time, i went over for a dvd night while the kids were in bed, her then 3yo had fell asleep in her bed and we didnt want to move toddler so i said i would sleep on the sofa, she slept on the floor next to the sofa and held my hand all night and that was the moment i knew!

Four years later and we've had some pretty rough times but im still as much in love with her today as i was that night.

MrsH1989 Thu 03-Mar-16 21:25:21

Around 8 weeks after our first date. grin

ladylouanne Thu 03-Mar-16 21:28:29

OP, I've been seeing a man for about a month more than you. I would say that the first three months, I was completely giddy about the whole thing, mainly because I had been single for a long time, was very scared of getting involved/risking getting hurt etc. I was very much in the infatuation stage I think. in the last couple of months I can definitely say my feelings have calmed and deepened at the same time and I do think that I am in love with him now. I haven't told him, as my insecurities mean I need to hear it from him first.

Believe me, this is not easy as I am not the most patient person in the world!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 03-Mar-16 21:28:46

Limerance is the most fucking annoying word I have ever read on mumsnet.

It's utter nonsense. It gives (some) adult women a label to attach to their feelings/behaviour which reifies it and means they don't have to take responsibility for themselves and can moon over some bloke for months, nay years, with the plaintive cry of 'but I love him'...

Back to OP, I'm not sure I've ever really loved anyone. I have had a very similar experience to SoThatHappened though! grin

I fibd these threads fascinating though. It's like learning what love is!

MsMims Thu 03-Mar-16 21:28:55

I don't think when people 'fall in love' really quickly it's love. Just lust and infactuation. Really loving someone takes months I feel. Loving someone to the same depth as family members can maybe take years.

Met the person I'm with a long time ago now so hard to be accurate but I'd say a good few months. It wasn't a sudden realisation either, felt myself getting increasingly attached and having feelings over time.

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 03-Mar-16 21:35:35

SoThatHappened sad unexpected ending! Sorry.

I spent most of my twenties 'falling in love' with hilariously unsuitable men. I used to love a whirlwind romance, or a bit of drama, star crossed love etc..... All total bollocks!

When I met DH he told me after a couple of months that he loved me, gave me a house key and put his house in the market so we could buy a bigger house and raise a family.

I have never felt so safe and secure with anyone else. He is the only man I have met who I think my dad would like (sadly passed away now).

It may all end up down the shitter, as in the case of the poor PP, but just enjoying it for now (4 yrs and 2 kids) and will keep you posted!

Patheticfallacy Thu 03-Mar-16 21:37:37

Sorry folkgirl. I'm dontcallmehon from the dating threads and I do think limerence perfectly describes the fog I was in when I met geeky. Doesn't excuse or absolve me of any responsibility but it definitely wasn't love.
Love is a quieter emotion, but steady. My dp has just loaded up a big heavy wardrobe in his car for me and driven an hour to collect it. He doesn't write poems, but he shows he loves me every day.

MrTCakes Thu 03-Mar-16 22:20:24

Love is a quieter emotion, but steady
I like that Patheticfallacy, that is how i'm starting to feel. At first it was all butterflies and excitement and now I feel a bit calmer and just so happy to have met him.

WeeHelena Thu 03-Mar-16 22:23:49

Iv been "in love" twicein my younger years but looking back I really wasn't or was for all the wrong reasons so limerence fits perfectly.
They were all constantly thinking about them and thinking they are prefect hmm.

Now I feel I'm slowly getting attached to someone. The first time I felt like I could love them it was like a slow burning pain when I thought of them. <passes round sick bucket> and the feeling can last hours until life kicks in and distracts me.
I'm not glorifying him and am realistic about the reality of the relationship, I'm not insecure and this is what I think could be proper love but we will see as still early days.

SoThatHappened Thu 03-Mar-16 22:35:18

I didnt add to my story that we didnt share it for a few months but we felt that way about each other very deeply and for a very long time.

His best friend took me aside when I met him and he told me that he had never seen his friend like this, he loved me so much. so I wasnt imagining this.

I dont know why he did it.

Love is a quieter emotion, but steady

yes when all the mad butterflies calmed down, I felt warm, calm, happy, lucky, etc.

I hate his guts now though sad

JustHavinABreak Thu 03-Mar-16 22:41:08

I disagree MsMims. We fell in love straight away and 14 years later, we're still in love. It's deeper as the years go by. It's unusual but entirely possible.

TwllBach Thu 03-Mar-16 22:41:55

When I got pregnant after four months of being with him...


I joke, I joke.... sort of I was fallin in love with him slowly before that happened. It wasn't a head over heels infatuation like my previous two (and only, but long term) relationships, but more like a gradual realisation that I admired this man and respected him, and felt privileged each time he revealed a little more of himself to me. Now that we are seven weeks away from having a baby and moving in together, after giving each other as much time as possible to get to know each other, we can both say we love each other and it be true. This has been a long process which hasn't been easy, but circumstances have meant that we've had to accelerate the process a little!

JustHavinABreak Thu 03-Mar-16 22:42:52

So that poor Love. What a shit cake Maybe he was clearing the way for the one who's still looking for you.

SoThatHappened Thu 03-Mar-16 22:51:29

Nope. I got used and cheated on by the next one too. He paved the way for it to happen again.

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Mar-16 23:22:20

After about a year. The feelings of lust were there after date number 1, fascination grew after that for months & she was a challenge, which is what most men like. She had clearly read Why Men Love Bitches! She told me on our 1st anniversary, which is when I knew too

Naomi43 Sat 05-Mar-16 21:23:57

I think I loved my now husband by our second date- he was always kind and amazing to me right form the start and our love was mutual and easy! Now, with a child and 11 years into the relationship it can be hard at times and we can bicker. But he is still kind and amazing and we still love eachother so much.

croon979 Sat 05-Mar-16 21:30:55

After a ridiculously quickly. I was going away on a pre-booked holiday and we had a date the night before I went. He presented me with a copy of his favourite book for me to take away on holiday to read. He had wrapped it and written a little note on the inside cover. That holiday I thought about him constantly and I knew then that I was in love.

dylansinging Sat 05-Mar-16 22:02:55

I'm not sure about this limeranc busines either.

I have been in a few relationships, some where I have "grown to love" or deeply care and esteem for the man; but three times I have felt that mad, passionate love some would call "limerance", but that I would call......well...the real deal.

The first one I was 16. I remember just being terrified when he asked me out, and then walking outside the ice rink and he kissed me and I felt like the floor moved from under my feet. Four years later we were still madly in love and despite work / life splitting us up both of us would tell you now that it was the real deal and very much "love at first kiss" and we were inseparable from that day on.

The second one I was 30. I remember thinking he was a pest the night I met him as he just wouldn't leave me alone and he seemed quite dorky. I was quite drunk and we had a snog and a bit of a fumble and sat half the night and I remember when he left me at 6am he just held my hand and when he let go everything just moved in very slow motion and in an instant I just knew. We ended up together for many years and nearly married except

The third one I was 37. I had absolutely no interest in this guy beyond thinking he was quite sweet and a little bit infatuated with me. One day I had him over and we drank a bottle of wine and I went to answer the phone. I was so uninterested in this guy I had a stinky fag out of the window and hadn't even shaved my legs! He came up behind me and just touched my shoulder and I turned around and he kissed me and I was suprised it felt so nice. We spent the night together and again, I was suprised it felt so right but I was also full of doubt. I think I probably knew right off but was in major denial because I didn't think we had a future. Somewhere within a couple of weeks I just knew because my heart actually just melted around him and when he touched me it felt like home.

Sadly we just split up, due to the timing issues but I am very much hoping he misses me as much as I do him and we make a proper go of it.

So for me -I always "just knew", and while love for me with this men did grow and develop - the sense that they were just right was always there from very early.

AddToBasket Sun 06-Mar-16 00:08:31

Haha, 'limerance'. Agreed, fucking annoying. It's a word to help people convince themselves that their spouse couldn't really have been 'in love' with the OW/OM. No, not possible. Just limerance.

dylansinging Sun 06-Mar-16 01:24:13

I think if you look up the defintion of limerance and compare it with the defintions of "love" from literature, songs, poetry - it is basically just being madly in love. Which of course is not the same thing as the verb "to love" or cathect or invest or commit long term but is love as an emotion.

I read this once which explains it very well!!!

Love is made up of three elements:

Intimacy – feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness.
Passion – compulsive thoughts and sexual attraction.
Commitment – the intention to remain in contact and close with another.

Using these 3 elements in various mixes describes 7 different kinds of love, starting with Non-love which is the absence of all three elements of love above.

Non-love describes the majority of relationships, like we have at work which are simply casual.

Liking and friendship: Intimacy only.
It is a set of feelings one experiences in relationships that can truly be characterized as friendship. One feels closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without intense passion or long-term commitment.

Infatuated love: Passion only
Once is infatuated because of the the experiencing of passionate arousal in the absence of intimacy and decision/commitment... Some romantic relationships start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may crash and burn suddenly.

Empty love: Commitment only.
Infatuated or fatuous love may evolve into empty love. However, in arranged marriages, the parties relationship may begin as empty love and morph into another form, indicating "how empty love can take an ember and turn it into a flame sometimes, rather than a flame that turns into an ember as in many western marriages..

Romantic love: Intimacy and passion.
Like in all the good romance books, but without sustaining commitment.

Companionate love: Intimacy and commitment
A non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment.Most long-term marriages are like this..

Fatuous love: Passion and commitment
Like a whirlwind romance and marriage. Commitment is made on the basis of passion without the influence of an intimate and close involvement.

Consummate love: Intimacy, commitment and passion.
This is the complete and idealised and perfect form of love, but it can fade to companionate love after a few years and passion fades.

So based on this really...I think that "love at first sight" can't eat, sleep, breathe is all part of "love" (not limerance) but in some cases it is missing the other two elements which may or may not develop over time.

I have loved men with intimacy and commitment but without the passion and it is nice, comfortable...but oh boy....when you have all three!!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now