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Retroactive Jealousy Or Genuine Concerns - Male

(137 Posts)
regulardudeguy Thu 03-Mar-16 18:24:34

Hi all,

This is very unorthodox but I'm a male and after a female perspective on my current relationship. There's a lot going on so I will be as succinct as possible.

My gf and I have been together nearly a year now. When we first got together it was amazing for me, I'd never really had female attention and I got absolutely drawn in. My gf stated that she left her previous bf of three years because things got stale.

She also disclosed information of her previous relationships/sexual encounters very early on. I'm not that sexually experienced and she did actually say "nobody else I've been with didn't know what they were doing" which I'll be honest had knocked my confidence. Unfortunately, with social media being the way it is I was able to find out who the previous rendezvous were with and none of them are similar to me in any way shape or form.

Previous to entering into this relationship, although I did not have female company and I did miss this everything else was very good. I run a successful business, have a good group of friends, my health and am financially in a good position. I was also extremely enthusiastic about everything and was always excited about going to work. My gf shared these sentiments early on or at least I thought she did.

The next part I'm not at all proud of but by snooping I delved into her previous relationships and without being too specific it alarmed me. I need to work out if previous decisions made will affect future outcomes. Because she's done something before does it mean she will do it again?

Here are some examples:

Splits up with boyfriend of three years after one year. Within a month or so they get back together for another two years. Whilst on a break she has sex with a work colleague three times and does not mention it to her long term bf. To my knowledge he never found out. If this happened to me while I was on a break with someone then got back with them I would let them know what had happened. Three years with someone is a long time.

Goes on holiday, has a holiday romance. Returns to UK and dumps her boyfriend of three years for this guy she met on holiday but to my knowledge does not state she was unfaithful, blames the relationship going stale. Guy she met on holiday doesn't respond to her/promises to come and see her when he comes back to UK on holiday and does not. She contacts him regularly and sends suggestive pictures of her in her lingerie. She did this for me and said that she had never done anything like that before for anyone else, but she had.

Then starts speaking to someone from her workplace who lives over 100 miles away. Goes to see him with her friend (double dating). Ends up sleeping with him, never officially a couple. When challenged about the fact she was seeing guys with her mate and being asked if she was sleeping with someone else by her holiday romance she denies it stating that it is not true.

The only one I seem to share anything in common with is the ex of three years, it seems like he doted on her and was attentive/affectionate. Where she's been hurt she seems to want to go back for more or perversely it's an attractive attribute for her. I cannot be aloof/arrogant or play games, it isn't my style. I'm very genuine with people.

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

There's examples of dishonesty above. It makes me question if everything she says to me is actually true. Why is she attracted to me? Do people change? I've been with her for nearly a year and it is great on the whole but these things scare me, my gut instinct is there could be issues.

TrojanWhore Thu 03-Mar-16 18:32:56

How on earth did you find all that out?

Did you read her diaries?

That would be more reprehensible than anything you've said about her.

But aside from that, something must have made you feel the need pry. Which suggests this relationship has not been working for you for quite some time.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Mar-16 18:35:08

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AnyFucker Thu 03-Mar-16 18:36:29

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GunnyHighway Thu 03-Mar-16 18:38:37

Leery it go and enjoy what you have with her. You'll only ruin it for yourself.

GunnyHighway Thu 03-Mar-16 18:39:18

Let it go I meant

Offred Thu 03-Mar-16 18:44:40

What has oral sex got to do with anything? confused

You think of yourself as genuine and honest like her ex but you have seriously invaded her privacy by extensively snooping into her past?

This is seriously messed up.

You need to break up with her and be on your own until you work out why you allow your insecurity about yourself and mistrust of women to dictate your behaviour in a relationship.

Tapirbackrider Thu 03-Mar-16 18:45:47

Whatever she did, where ever she went, who ever she saw before she met you are none of your business.

Seriously, get a grip on yourself and get some help.

BumbleNova Thu 03-Mar-16 18:49:24

I think you are looking at her past to find a pattern to predict her future behaviour. unfortunately, people are much more complex than that. she is not a computer... just because she has done something before does not mean she will again. I can see why you have become fixated on the past, you are clearly feeling insecure in your relationship with her.

You don't trust her do you? I'd listen to your gut. that is a much bigger problem than how many people she has slept with. I am pretty creeped out by the detail you know, that is beyond the normal things that a bit of old facebook stalking would yield.

Dosydoly Thu 03-Mar-16 18:53:02

You sound really really stalkerish and creepy. And not emotionally mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Secretlove Thu 03-Mar-16 18:57:10

What you have done is really horrible. I can't even imagine how you found out all that stuff.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:16

who are these fucking weirdos and why does anyone give them the time of day ?

tingon Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:44

So you think she's dishonest?

Well I hope you're prepared to set her a good example and tell her what you know and how you know it.

You are one weird fucker.

freshprincess Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:46

What she's done in the past is none of your business.

You are spying on her, it's weird. Stop it, break up with her and have a word with yourself.

PushingThru Thu 03-Mar-16 19:01:11

Did someone tell you all that stuff? I don't see how it would even be possible to snoop & uncover all that. Anyway, that's a side issue-the glaring main point is that you're terribly insecure about your own lack of experience & you need to overcome that for your own sanity & relationship prospects.

regulardudeguy Thu 03-Mar-16 19:02:06

Thank you all for your replies, I am sorry I have come across so badly. I am not a bad person, I just take in a lot of information and process it quickly. The majority of the information came from when she told me herself, the other bit was where one guy messaged her when we started our relationship. I want to protect myself and feel like I'm walking into a potential disaster.

AnyFucker Thu 03-Mar-16 19:02:52

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PushingThru Thu 03-Mar-16 19:03:50

There are no guarantees. Yes, I think past is often prelude with people, but anyone could leave you - to be on their own or with somebody else - this is part of the risk we take when we give our hearts. You sound quite young ( from the 3 years is a long time to be with someone comment), so do yourself a favour & put a halt to this silly behaviour & thinking now.

Claraoswald36 Thu 03-Mar-16 19:06:19

So when is her next formal
Appraisal then?

BumbleNova Thu 03-Mar-16 19:09:54

OP - I dont think you are ready for a relationship.

having a relationship involves opening yourself up to someone else and being vulnerable. there is no way to "protect yourself" and have a loving normal relationship.

have you been in a relationship before? do you have any female friends?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 03-Mar-16 19:11:15

'Evidence of dishonesty'. Yes, yours. Agree with AF. You would be doing her a favour by ending it, and taking your sorry arse out of her life.

tingon Thu 03-Mar-16 19:14:14

So you think that your girlfriend has been dishonest with you about previous relationships. You do realise that you will have to lie to any women you meet in the future about the way you have behaved in this one. If you're honest, they'll run a mile.

Seeyounearertime Thu 03-Mar-16 19:14:25

Hey OP, whilst i agree with AF i'll add in a little thought of my own, i'll even try to use simple language.

If you love this girl and want to be with her, then love her and be with her, stop worrying about the past, concern yourself with the now.

Or, Let me use a more "blokey" language.
If someone gave you a nice car you wouldn't worry what roads it's been on, only the ones you'll drive on, right?


Offred Thu 03-Mar-16 19:14:26

What has processing speed have to do with deeply distrusting and creepily investigating your partner's past? hmm

You are behaving badly. Your insecurities about your lack of sexual experience/prowess are your insecurities...

You are coming across as yet another angry man who hates women but feels their happiness is entirely dependent on trapping one...

Offred Thu 03-Mar-16 19:15:30

And this;

having a relationship involves opening yourself up to someone else and being vulnerable. there is no way to "protect yourself" and have a loving normal relationship.

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