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Married to a non committed man

(21 Posts)
Moonchild74 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:07:00

Hey there, I am new to this site. Not sure if anyone out there can relate. But I have been marrried 5 years and we have 1 young son. While we were dating, DH was kind, supportive, always my hero. But after 2 divorces, he had sworn off marriage and never wanted kids. Anyway 6 months later we were married. Then Bam! Things changed and he found excuses to stay away for days due to petty arguments. We tried for 1 year and finally had a child. During pregnancy things got worst with him staying at his mom's for weeks due to my mood swings, he said. He stuck around a few weeks after DC was born, then he started coming home just on weekends, claiming he had to work late and sleep in the office to save on gas (works in another city). We do have arguments, but nothing physical. When he would come home, I will be so angry I would tell him really hurtful things and he would brush it off. But he would use every opportunity to hurt me back by using callous remarks, being arrogant, sarcastic and aloof toward me and impressionable DC. We use the weekends to take DC to park, beach or family-oriented places. DH would profess his love for us in cards, buy gifts for special occasions, but when he is around its like he just acts the part of father and husband. I try to pretend all is fine cause all I ever wanted was a family of my own and I was even planning on having another child. But I cant go on like this in a dysfunctional marriage. At the same time I want to give our DC the family life he deserves. He loves his dad and he says he wants us to be family. I am so torn. I dont know what to do.

thecatfromjapan Thu 03-Mar-16 14:12:34

How old is your child?

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:15:32

Let him go.

Honestly you deserve so much better thsn clinging on yo man that doesn't want to be there. Don't waste the best years of your life in him

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:16:20

It's also not up to children to decide an adults future.

Cabrinha Thu 03-Mar-16 14:17:30

Who says he wants you to be a family? I really really hope not your son.
Because your son is 3 years old (married 5, tried for pregnancy for a year) and absolutely should not be exposed to any conversations about whether you should "be a family".

If it is your husband who says he wants to be a family - sorry, he obviously doesn't.

I expect you could have an interesting conversation with the two ex wives.

Jan45 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:17:44

Do not take advice and how you proceed from the words of a child, you are the adult here and you make the decisions.

I have no idea why you have put up with this situation for so long, he sounds like a single man who dips in and out of family life and you allow it.

You can be a family without this part time partner and your son can be loved by both of you, I just don't understand how you can accept this kind of life.

He aint got your back OP, in other words, there's no real relationship there.

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:35:17

Sounds like you have 2 children, not 1. This doesn't sound like a relationship at all.

Marchate Thu 03-Mar-16 15:12:01

The two wives who divorced him probably experienced the same. Fine till he 'gets' you then not interested

Sadly, you are going to be yet another ex wife. Take control. Make it your decision, not his. Have a future

CheersMedea Thu 03-Mar-16 15:18:28

That doesn't sound even like a relationship OP let alone a marriage.

It all sounds very emotionally hurtful if not abusive.

How actually would YOUR life be different if you were divorced (or if he fell under a bus for that matter)? Sound like practically not much different and emotionally a hell of a lot better.

Maybe he is just one of these avoidant types (google it) - they often have affairs because it's a way of avoiding intimacy. If he is like that, you can't cure him.

NeedToMoveHouse Thu 03-Mar-16 15:34:30

You sound very patient, tolerant and lovely, OP. It sounds like you're only actually a family at the weekends, and even then it's not real if your OH is just acting the part. Your DS is lucky to have you. You have no control over how someone else chooses to parent/be a husband, all you can do is be there for your DS, and it sounds like you do that amazingly well! flowers

Moonchild74 Thu 03-Mar-16 23:09:55

Thank you, I have been trying so hard to give my child the family life I had growing up. Our parents argued, but they slept in the same bed every night. Believe it or not, my 3-year-old DS is that smart, he points at family photos at says "this is a family, I want mommy, daddy and baby, please I want that" and it breaks my heart. I never imagined a man could be so detached and yes he may have avoidant and narcissistic personality disorders, I suspect. But his parents stayed together until he was 18. He was not raised like that. So its such a mystery that is the same guy I fell in love with that did everything to please me, always trying to be the hero, in the beginning. But I should add he tried to postpone the wedding 2 days before the ceremony and said he was not ready to have a family. I suppose I pressured him into something he was not ready for and I was hoping that would change after our DS, which was planned.

Glastokitty Thu 03-Mar-16 23:58:45

This is not family life by any stretch of the imagination. You and your child will make a better family away from this dreadful man.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 04-Mar-16 00:15:42

He's told, and shown, you who he is right from the very beginning, and you've ignored every red flag.

Sorry - I realise that is spectacularly unhelpful, but this is the man you're with, and you're never going to change him. This is who he is.

With that realization comes some decisions. Accept it (not recommended) or opt out (healthier all round).

He sounds awful, by the way. You and your son deserve much better.

Iflyaway Fri 04-Mar-16 04:03:16

sleep in the office? You're not really falling for that are you?

You really can't let a 3 year old child make your life decisions for you. It will turn into a very unhealthy dynamic.

Take back control of your life. You are still young.

icklekid Fri 04-Mar-16 04:31:46

You need to explain to your 3 year old that some families have a mummy, daddy and other children but not all. Them you need to put him first so he learns what a healthy loving family is like. It will take courage and be tough so please talk to your friends and family so they can support you

Atenco Fri 04-Mar-16 04:32:32

I imagine that if you grew up with your parents together and happy that that is why you naturally want the same of your son. My father pissed off to another country when I was four and I didn't see him again for another seven years, but I had a good childhood and no fear of single motherhood. You sound like you are more like a single mother than not at the moment. Don't worry about your son, he is probably picking up on your worries and reflecting them back to you.

Moonchild74 Fri 04-Mar-16 13:40:32

I get that he is not committed to me and is emotionally challenged. But what I don't understand is how he can detach himself from his own child, missing out on our son's formative years. How can he lack that natural paternal instinct?

MrsChanningTatum Fri 04-Mar-16 14:59:14

Because he is selfish, has worked long hours to avoid being at home and is therefore completely detached. His bond with the children isn't strong because he has swerved spending time with them, while he has pursued his other interests.

Moonchild74 Sat 05-Mar-16 08:48:23

I am actually partially to blame for his absentee as a father and not coming home cause you see I was quite vulnerable when I met him, but he masked his insecurites (after 2 wives left him) very well. So he played on my weaknesses as a sense of power he never felt before. So I never asked him to come home and even chased him away some weekends cause of the anger and ridicule I felt allowing him to make me so insecure. Telling me I need him and can't let him go. Then coming back and acting like an adoring husband days later, also wanting sex. Knowing that I wanted true love and affection and deliberately withholding it from me and DS, just to hurt me. Never wrong, never apologises, making me feel like I was overreacting to everything. The irony is my family justifies his behavior, cause all they hear is me bitching, then I start to believe oh I made OH this way, cold and distant. But what lies under that quiet exterior is a vulnerable narcissistic that mentally tries to tear me down and deprive me and our son of love, just cause I am too bitter and hurt to lift his own self-esteem. Gosh how did it get to this point? If only I did not empty my soul to him and give him that control over me. If only I did not tell him hurtful things, making it even worst. I cant help thinking we were both to blame and our son could have had such a different life.

Moonax Sat 05-Mar-16 09:47:56

Not sure how his repeat behaviour (this happened twice before already) is your fault.

Nobody is perfect. However, it sounds like an absolute classic that he is blaming is evasive behaviour on something you said or did. It is not.

By the way, I do agree with pps that allowing your son to make a decision about what is right for you both is not a good way to go. However mature a 3 year old he is, he's still a 3 year old. You have to be the grown up for him but you don't have to be the grown up for your husband.

Boojaye6 Sat 05-Mar-16 14:00:59

Help I have been married for twelve years and my husband is so lazy rust I clean up his mess I have talked about every issue even made lists for him what irritates me he does it for one week and then goes back being his old self he blames me for everything spending too much money he is the one rjat is the financial bread winner I have a son who is autistic I cook and clean for him and he does not appreciate me he says horrible things to me some day he says he loves me it's the constant blame I hate I can't do right from wrong every little argument he want to end marriage for years I have cried hiking he wouldn't leave last night he said it again I am
Going to leave I have told him to go is he messing with my head

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