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Lovely new bf has very low sex drive

(95 Posts)
hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 10:13:08

I've been with my bf for about four months now, and in most relationships I would imagine you have a lot of sex at this stage. This is not the case in ours and I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He is absolutely amazing in all other ways. Loving, kind, tidy, gentle etc. But he doesn't want nearly as much sex as I do.

I've got my DC's every other full week, and he hasn't met them yet so I only see him every other weeks. So two full weeks every month he stays at mine pretty much.

We didn't start out having a lot of sex, but still a few times a week, and he said it was because he didn't want to make me feel like that was all he was after.

We then went through a surge and it was great.

About a month ago I was feeling really up for it so I started telling him about what I wanted to do to him that night in a naughty way. He seemed up for it. Later in the evening he wanted nothing to do with it and told me it put him off having sex when it was me initiating it. Apparently, he has never had a girlfriend before who has initiated sex, it's always been him, so this was something new to him. (It crushed me as I hate the thought of things I do putting him off, and also that I quite like being the one initiating it.)

Ever since he told me, I've stopped mentioning to him when I've been feeling horny, and just waited for him to tell me he's been up for it.

Unfortunately this is nowhere near as much as I want to so we have sex once during our weeks together, so twice a month.

Yesterday morning, HE started talking about the sex we were going to have last night. I then joined in. But again, this put him off! It seems I'm not meant to mention it at all!

Anyway, I didn't make a big deal out of it, said I totally understand if he's not feeling up for it etc. And went to sleep, cuddled up together.

This morning he was feeling bad, because he knows it upsets me (even though I am trying to hide it).

I think I've got a weird relationship with sex, and I feel like he doesn't love me if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Even though I know he does!

I'm just not sure how to move on from this? I can't have a conversation with him about this, as he doesn't like me mentioning sex and I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him.

But I'm not sure I can feel loved by someone who only wants sex twice a month? Especially this early on in the relationship....

We're both in our early thirties.

I realise I sound a bit like an ungrateful cow writing this....but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

FellOutOfBedTwice Thu 03-Mar-16 10:15:41

I don't think you're the weird one here. The not wanting you to initiate/talk about sex thing just sounds like weird control freakery to me... Is that consistent with his character generally?

kittentits Thu 03-Mar-16 10:16:58

I don't think you're the one with a weird relationship about sex tbh. Having a low sex drive is one thing, but for him to be utterly turned off if you initiate or even talk about sex? That's not good. I don't think I'd be pursuing this one if I'm honest.

G1raffe Thu 03-Mar-16 10:18:50

That does sound quite a low drive this early on. My husbands is lower than mine but I think mine is sky high. I relate to what you say about feeling loved/wanted, it's a while to see him not always being up for it is not rejection of me.

Have you been able to have a proper talk about at a time you're not having sex. How you feel, how much you fancy him and you'd like?

Ultimately I'm not sure it will change long term...

LaurieFairyCake Thu 03-Mar-16 10:21:41

You're not the one who's weird. He's got some madonna/ whore complex thing going on. Really sexist - he doesn't think it's 'ladylike' for you to have sexual drives.

I'd be steering away.

hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 10:23:33

No, this is not his general character. Only when it comes to sex. He is incredibly attentive and not at all controlling.

I really do love him, and I would hate to lose him.

I've just never been with a man before who doesn't want a lot of sex. I find it odd.

At the same time, he thinks my sex drive is a lot higher than most women.

I really, really want to get past this. But don't know how.

pinkyredrose Thu 03-Mar-16 10:23:44

Wow he's got issues hasn't he? Doesn't like you mentioning sex? Wtf? Tbh you sound incompatible, I think I'd bin.

hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 10:25:55

He's not generally sexist though.

I've got a good career in a very male dominated industry, and he says this is one of the things he really likes about me. That I'm a strong woman and stand on my own two feet etc.

gatewalker Thu 03-Mar-16 10:29:33

You don't have to take on his projections, OP. Laurie is right. This is his internal issue with women and their sexuality - unfortunately relatively common. He needs to deal with it; not you.

RaeSkywalker Thu 03-Mar-16 10:32:02

I'm a little concerned that he's not comfortable with a woman expressing her desires OP...

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Mar-16 10:37:30

Sounds all a bit peculiar to me.

Can you really be sure you love him after only 4 months, especially when this is eating you up enough to post? I think he has some deep underlying issues here. LaurieFairyCake is right about the issues it sounds like he is. You have an adult/open & honest approach to sex. For every 2/3 blokes out of 100 who would feel intimidated by this there'd be 97 who would be delighted with your outlook

ACatastrophicMisintepretation Thu 03-Mar-16 10:39:34

I'm going to put another slant on this and suggest that he may have confidence/intimacy issues when it comes to sex so sex can actually be a very nerve wracking experience for him. You initiating it and saying you're horny etc could be making him feel very pressured?

I'm obviously not blaming you for this, no ones fault but he might just need a bit of understanding and taking the pressure off which it sounds like you already do.

Men are expected to always want sex but that's not the reality of it and they can have insecurities like women can. I'm speaking from someone with experience of this, may be worth having a chat with him? You sound lovely though and if he is also lovely otherwise then I wouldn't be so quick as PP to write him off as a misogynistic, control freak!

TheJiminyConjecture Thu 03-Mar-16 10:40:32

Differing sex drives is one thing. Being turned off by you mentioning sex is awful.

DixieNormas Thu 03-Mar-16 10:41:23

I have an ex who was like this, bloody nightmare.After 10 months enough was enough

Joysmum Thu 03-Mar-16 10:42:08

Tbh if it's Tia much of a problem in the early days, can you imagine how little you'll get it when the honeymoon stage wears off?

The issues he has wouldn't be an issue if he could talk about it with you, from what you've said though you're expected to be the only one adjusting and trying to talk. That's really problematic.

Houseofmirth66 Thu 03-Mar-16 10:45:46

If you're describing a new boyfriend and 'tidy' is one of the first adjectives to spring to mind then I don't think this is ever going to be a grand passion.

hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 10:46:30

I think you might be right Catastrophic. I think he has got some underlying issues around sex.

I know that he and exW were ttc for quite a few years, and that he had some pressure from her at that time. So could be something that's resulted from that.

He really isn't a horrible person at all. When he told me that I put him off by initiating, I was floored and broke down in tears. I've never felt so rejected in my life and I felt my sex drive was made into being something bad. We did talk about things at that time, he said he could understand how it must make me feel and he said he would try to change. Maybe I need to give him more time.

Destinysdaughter Thu 03-Mar-16 10:47:57

Sorry but he's got isshoos! He may be 'lovely' but really don't think you're compatible. And the fact he can't talk about it is a bit of a red flag I'm afraid.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 03-Mar-16 10:50:05

I think it's an issue and it's going to get worse.

He finds you taking the initiative off-putting?

Fuck that.

I don't like that he's blaming you or telling you that you're unusual. You're not. Most people can't wait to have sex with their new partners.

hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 10:57:04

So I'm not weird for feeling rejected by this?

I want to talk to him about how I'm feeling about this, without him feeling in putting pressure on him, any ideas on how I can go about doing this?

ChooChooLaverne Thu 03-Mar-16 11:00:45

I think after only four months it's only going to get worse - you should be in the honeymoon phase now. Having to suppress your desires because it makes him feel icky is not a good sign.

So he said he would try to change - what is he doing about it? This is obviously a deep seated issue - he'd probably need some kind of intensive counselling to get to the bottom of it. I'm not sure time would make any difference.

Helmetbymidnight Thu 03-Mar-16 11:03:25

You're not weird.

It's a difficult situation but I feel you're on your way to misery here.

Had he said something like, "Look I've got a low sex drive, and I struggle to get excited when there is some expectation on me to perform, I think you're wonderful, but I've got some isshooos" - then I think you'd have much more chance.

(But I couldn't be arsed frankly, you're a young woman, you'll most likely have a lifetime of poor sex)

However, he's making you feel like some rampant thing and that's not fair.

pocketsaviour Thu 03-Mar-16 11:03:49

No definitely not weird for feeling rejected.

I can understand that he might have got some issues that were brought up by unsuccessful TTCing. But those are his issues to sort - it's totally out of order for him to be effectively saying you shouldn't be initiating sex or talking about it and that you want "too much" for a woman hmm

I think in your shoes I'd be looking for him to acknowledge that HE is the one with the problem, and a committment to working on it with a therapist. If he tries to brush this off with "it's your issue not mine" then I'd be cutting my losses and binning him off.

hejsvejs Thu 03-Mar-16 11:08:47

All your comments have been taken on board.

I don't want to lose him, but will have to have this conversation with him and then see what happens.

ACatastrophicMisintepretation Thu 03-Mar-16 11:11:12

I think people massively underestimate the effect that pressure can have on men. Men are always expected to "perform" and as soon as they can't, they are shot down in flames (as seen on here!). It's really unfair.

If men don't want to have sex, the thinking seems to be, put some sexy underwear on and it'll be sorted and if he doesn't respond to you initiating then he must be a control freak! From what you said, it sounds to me like he doesn't like pressure and while some people will say that's ridiculous, it's how he feels and telling someone to not feel like that or power through is just going to make it worse. Pressure of TTC, would have a huge impact! People can do with being a lot more tolerant towards men and sexual issues, they are just people still, they're not infallible! If women have sexual issues, there is a lot of patience and tolerance but when men have them, it's their fault and they're weird, control freaks

If he's a good man (and only the OP knows this really), it might be worth it. But equally it might not. Relationships involve compromise, alway do in one way or another! It's about what's important to you isn't it? I also could be completely off the mark, I really don't know but I do think men could do with a bit more understanding when it comes to sex.

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