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When you're dating someone who's on a dating site

(37 Posts)
JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:00:03

I am not saying the relationship is serious, but presuming you've had 8 dates, you're having sex, you're quite close in terms of chatting a lot and you have agreed you're both not seeing anyone else.

How would you feel if this person was still on dating sites and still active on them?

Does that just basically mean - cutting the bull shit - that they see you as good enough for now but are looking for someone better?

stitch10yearson Thu 03-Mar-16 10:02:28

i think so. yes.

WeveGotAHomelessLove Thu 03-Mar-16 10:05:09

There using you as an option

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Mar-16 10:05:21

I wouldn't like it. If you're exclusive then that's how it should be. If he's claiming to be "chatting to friends" on the site, that's BS. He's chatting to them for a reason & it isn't to see if they're having a good morning

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:09:05

So can I just ask where people stand on this...

For me, I come off / stop visitng dating websites once I am seeing someone. Doesn't mean I think I am going to marry the person I am with; just means I am with them for now so not looking actively for anything else. I then re-activate when we split up and after doing OLD for two years I have dated four people so done this four times. Wasn't even in love with them, but once properly seeing each other / having sex I stopped messaging others.

He thinks my views are silly and he says he would only take his down and stop messaging others once in a long term, committed relationship.

Is he just utterly full of shit and looking for the next best thing?

bb888 Thu 03-Mar-16 10:11:21

He is obviously still looking. It's up to you where you set the boundary, but he needs to respect what yours is, doesn't he, if he wants the relationship to continue.

ALaughAMinute Thu 03-Mar-16 10:19:40

Is he just utterly full of shit and looking for the next best thing?

Sorry to say but it looks that way.

In an ideal world you would have let him know what your terms are before you had sex as it looks like he wants you to accept the relationship on his terms. If you're not happy with it dump him and move on but make sure you let the next man know what your terms are before you sleep with him next time.

WeveGotAHomelessLove Thu 03-Mar-16 10:21:11

Any rational person would stop and take it down out of reapect.

Some people just arent happy with what they've got and the always want something better.

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:26:40

He says i am being irrational for asking. he says he's never on there (can see he's lying)

he must be just a liar

Allbymyselfagain Thu 03-Mar-16 10:28:50

Yep liar, ditch him and reactivate your profile

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:30:35

How insulting is it for someone to be with you and still be looking for someone else?

How thick is he that he doesn't get how disrespectful that is?

Not that I expected to get married or antyhing, but he's the one who wanted to go out with me (took a long while asking me) and then he's obviously not happy with what he's got.

How do people actually think this is attractive to be made to feel like an option?

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Thu 03-Mar-16 10:31:20

Is he just utterly full of shit and looking for the next best thing?

^^ YES.

You need to re-think your boundaries.

Don't you want to meet someone, who thinks that you're so fucking fantastic, that they don't even think about messaging other women? Furthermore, they ask you to be exclusive and urge you to delete your profile, because they like you sooo much, that they want you "off the market"?

My DH asked me to be exclusive on date 2. Said that when he met me, it was like he was totally blindsided. He never messaged another woman. Deleted his profile. Proposed a year later. Job done.

Think about the message/signals that you are sending him. You know he's still on dating websites and chatting to other women, but you continue to see him and have sex with him. Bloody hell! I would never put up with such shit!

Here's what to do. Whenever you are next due to meet up, send him a text a few hours before saying this:

"Hi X. Sorry, I'm not going to make it tonight. I've been having a bit of a think. Whilst we've had a lovely few weeks, I have to say, that I am looking to date someone who I feel that I could possibly build a future with, and I think that's not really likely to happen with you, given that you are still messaging multiple women on Match. Good luck with your search. Best wishes. Jebel"

And then start to date again, with a better set of boundaries.

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:32:24

In an ideal world you would have let him know what your terms are before you had sex

I DID!!!

In fact HE did, said out of decency we'd not see anyone else. He says he turns dates down but the idiot doesn't grasp that while he's still looking surely someone is going to come up that he likes enough not to turn down?

How am I supposed to have sex with someone when they're messaging other people at the same time?

I hate the way he has made me feel like this is my issue.

FoxFeatures Thu 03-Mar-16 10:32:46

So after 8 dates he is being abusive and lying?

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 10:38:48

BlueEyes

That is exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I thought I had.

He asked me out for ages and ages (we didn't meet online) and I thought he really, really liked me. He did ask me to be exclusive on date two and said he was jealous at the thought of others talking to me. It was all looking like I was with someone who really liked me and didn't want to be with anyone else.

I only found out he was online on the same sites as me because he showed me his profile for a laugh one night (date 5) as he thought this was funny. He asked me to read his profile and see whether I thought it described him well.

I told him at the time right away that I had disabled / hidden my profiles and I noticed his phone came up with tinder messages and POF messages when we were together so I have checked now and then to see his "last online" dates and it's pretty scary.

So I have been shocked by this and by his refusal to take them down when I discussed it with him. He was basically saying that he was keeping them up because we were committed - but out of the other side of his mouth asking me for exclusivity.

What the fuck does that mean?

I ignore my messages and don't go out with anyone else while he keeps one eye open just in case?

How dare he? So angry. And I did tell him, as you said that I wasn't going to see him anymore unless he took them down because I was nobody's option this morning and he let me go!

What a wanker.

TheNaze73 Thu 03-Mar-16 10:57:46

Bin him off. He's trying to manipulate you. He's turned down dates? So bloody what? He shouldn't be on there in the first place. You've had 8 dates, that's all? And you're feeling like this? You should be happy, not doubting yourself. I think your terms should be jog on.

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 11:13:20

I don't understand why you'd want to go out with someone you didn't want to go out with.

Some people are very odd!!!

So, you met offline but, well into the relationship, he showed you his online profile "as a joke"?

Nooooo, this is no joke. This entire exercise - from his pursuit of you, to insisting you go exclusive early, to actually calling attention to the fact that he's still looking and insists he has the right to do so, until you're committed - the whole process is a carefully organised plan of war to put you off balance, make you feel like shit and accept your place in the abusive relationship, oh, and accept also the sexist double standards that he feels are the natural order.

Congratulations on him dumping you. Best thing about it (IMHO) is that he must be able to see this won't wash with you, that there's no point in trying to sweet talk you. Oh, to have been a fly on the walk and seen the look of steel on your face! Well done!

Mind, if he does "give you another chance", you know what to do. get it on video grin

flowers flowers <- pom poms

Sorry, I should have said ..."until you're committed" in exactly those quotes. Because he was never going to commit in a way you would have been happy with. He was always going to dangle that until you were trained enough for his liking. You were playing the pick me dance from the get-go.

Except, you weren't. Way to draw an uncrossable line. Well done! (I've said that before, but can't say it enough). smile

TheStoic Thu 03-Mar-16 11:57:04

Would he care if you were actively on a dating site?

If yes - that's bad. He can do it but you can't?

If no - that's worse. He doesn't care what you do.

JebelRebel Thu 03-Mar-16 12:41:48

We met offline, he told me he really liked me for quite a long time and sort of talked me into a relationship with him, saying he was just an honest man and not like all the others (sex crazed players) and sold me a fantasy really.

Have to admit it was pretty good at first, but then I definitely felt like he right off the bat tried to get a reaction off me a few times. Showing me the dating profile was a really strange thing to do, talking to me about his ex, one inute asking me if I felt we had a future and the next minute telling me he wasn't sure he saw one. Almost like Jeckyll and Hyde a little bit.

I feel a bit like he wants me to really like him but doesn't want any investment of his own.

He hasn't asked me to come off dating sites, no, but he has been quite questioning /jealous if my phone beeps and got quite visibly annoyed when I told him I'd been out with a male friend.

It's almost like he wants me to date him, be faithful to him, give him everything he wants from me and expect absolutly nothing back. It feels a lot like that.

I am probably just miffd beause I feel like he spent a long time selling me a bill of goods here and he knows full well if he had told me what was really being offered to me that I wouldn't have gone out with him in a million years.

I don'tt hink he was ever going to commit to me.

And as for "not talking" to women on dating sites, he added one on Facebook this morning (prompted this whle blowout) and I just had a feeling she was off a dating site. I looked her up by age, looks etc on plenty of fish and lo and behold!!! there she was.

Was a complete and utter wanker.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Thu 03-Mar-16 12:49:54

Ah.

So what he said was, "Let's be exclusive"

What he meant was "I want you to be exclusive to me, but I will not be exclusive to you".

And then, he thought it would be "funny", to tell you he was on dating sites. He was testing your boundaries.

Not only is he is a total prize Wanker, he's actually a nasty piece of work. He knew that would hurt you, and he did it anyway, and laughed.

And what a weird thing to say, about messaging others until you are "committed". What does that mean? Engaged? Married? That's just stupid. People don't sleep around until the day they get engaged.

He will be single forever, with this shitty attitude, whereas you can date again, find a lovely man and have a happy life. Which you will do.

I've known men like this - even if you got married you'd need eyes in the back of your head. He will always be a cheating twat.

Onwards and upwards for you. Next!

JellyWellyKelly Thu 03-Mar-16 15:11:42

Yes he is an utter wanker! I'd get rid if he's already at this carry on hmm

TwoMag314s Thu 03-Mar-16 15:35:39

I think he showed you the profile to cover his tracks.

If anybody ever said anything to you he could say "but you knew I was on there!" For the laugh/from ages ago/I never message anybody......
I wouldn't even bother setting up a dummy profile to test him. There's just no point. He is hoping somebody will message him. He has an eye out elsewhere.

Jan45 Thu 03-Mar-16 15:41:10

In answer to your question - you bin them off!

How very insulting, firstly he is actively and I'd presume chatting to other women and god knows what else but he then has the audacity to judge you on being over reactive.

Stop doubting your own judgement and stop giving this tosser who you hardly know control over your own though process, you are right, ignore, block, delete.

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