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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was he having an EA?

38 replies

WTAFF · 03/03/2016 07:09

I'm sorry to have to post this but I feel like I'm genuinely struggling mentally and need some advice.

I've posted before about my DP's relationship with a work colleague. I'll call her Jane (not her real name). We all worked together and Jane was in a very junior position. Before she knew we were together she announced her intention to try to sleep with my DP in order to gain promotion.

I (perhaps naively) told DP about this in the hope that he would exercise a bit of caution. Instead, he seemed to do loads more for her. One example of this was driving 30 miles out of the way to get her car MOTd.

He would always explain this away by saying that I was jealous and that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He also said that I had no right to tell him who he could speak to or how much contact he could have with them (he is right). However, what he refused to understand is what I really wanted him to do is treat Jane the same way he treats everyone else (including his friends). He was always going out of his way to help her and it bothered me.

Another example of how he behaved was we were starting to have sex and he suddenly stopped and asked me a question about Jane's bottom.

Possibly against my better judgment, I beleived DP that nothing was going on and accepted that perhaps I had been unreasonable in expecting him to give her a bit of distance.

Anyway, Jane has now left. Talking last night to DP, he got onto the subject of Jane and said that he couldn't even talk to her without me going into a strop (not true). He then informed me that he was sure she had had no intention of sleeping with him as he had invited her on a night out with him and his friend and she had declined.

This was news to me. When I asked why he hadn't mentioned this to me before or invited me he said he thought I had left the office before he invited her to go out.

Am I over-reacting and do you think I might be too controlling? I didn't think I was the jealous type - but I'm told otherwise and perhaps it's true. All opinons (however harsh) welcome.

OP posts:

Report

Finola1step · 03/03/2016 07:12

He's playing a nasty game. He enjoyed the attention from "Jane". Sorry.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 03/03/2016 07:17

He certainly enjoyed the attention from Jane and, it would appear, he got off on the thought that she wanted to have sex with him.

Whether anything actually unfaithful happened I can't say, but he was certainly not doing anything to put your mind at rest or show her he wouldn't sleep with her was he?

SouthWesterlyWinds · 03/03/2016 07:18

the mans on a power trip on what hold this has over you. Stopping halfway during sex to ask about another woman's arse? Fuck off! He's a manipulative twat. Even now she's not there, he's throwing instances back at you that you had no idea on.

And he's enjoying it. Tit.

MrsSteptoe · 03/03/2016 07:26

Sounds like he really wanted to test the water with Jane to the last possible moment - provoke a situation where it became very clear that she would sleep with him if he wanted. Whether or not he'd have gone through with it is another matter. Possibly not - maybe he just wanted to prove to himself that he could if he wanted to. Either way, you can't trust him emotionally. He's not even remotely got your best interests or sense of emotional security at heart. If there's a choice between gratifying his ego and showing you care, you will be the loser. In fact, he quite possibly gets off on knowing that it's destabilising you.

HoppingForward · 03/03/2016 08:05

He is playing mind games with you. He wants you to feel threatened that he could have any women he wNts so you should feel grateful he is gracing you with his totally irresistible time.

Twat

Turn the tables on him and do the same about a male work college and watch him flip.

Optimist1 · 03/03/2016 08:18

I remember your earlier thread, OP, but not the detail of it. His actions and reactions are decidedly "off", whether it's because he was having an EA with her or because he's just a nasty piece of work. Why on earth would he bring her back into conversation when presumably her leaving work meant the dust had settled?

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 03/03/2016 08:22

A work colleague of mine discovered that a trainee had a crush on him - he obsessed about it to me (he was married) for months. Kept asking me "what he should do about it". He talked about her a lot to his wife as well apparently - things like the bottom incident you mentioned.

You were not being unreasonable. The couple above ended in an affair and the wife had strong suspicions before she went looking for evidence and found it. Your gut instinct is likely right that although nothing may have happened, he was obsessing and things were heading that way.

Obviously only you know the state of your relationship, but if I'm honest I couldn't be with someone who can't help acting on it, if they know someone finds them attractive. I think it's very weak.

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 08:25

You've posted about this before, right?

He's a twat. He enjoys making you feel bad.

Do you enjoy feeling like shit? No, right? Then please lose the source of your misery.

WTAFF · 03/03/2016 08:27

Thanks everyone so far. I am just not sure what to believe anymore. When you are constantly told that you are paranoid and over-reacting you do start to believe it.

I'm normally a fairly laid back person.

To the PP who said I should do the same about a male colleague - he does obsess about a particular manager who he thinks fancies me. He accuses me of flirting and wearing low cut tops deliberately. This is all done in a jokey way but it makes me avoid that manager completely if I can.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 03/03/2016 08:29

Are you mad? The bloke breaks off from having sex with you to discuss some other woman's arse? And you're still with him?! 😏

Unbelievable 😮

AgathaF · 03/03/2016 08:30

No, you're not over-reacting or being controlling. He was, and still is to an extent, obsessing about a female wanting to have sex with him (for whatever reason). It obviously stroked his ego massively. He could have ignored it and made it obvious to her that he wasn't interested, but he chose not to. He chose to flirt with her, treat her differently to other work colleagues, taunt you with it.

I think you know this really. I guess you need to decide what you do about it though. He's shown you what he is. Can you continue to live with that? Knowing that he will probably do exactly the same again if the situation occurs again.

Gobbolino6 · 03/03/2016 08:39

He is getting off on knowing she would have slept with him. He's also getting off on constantly bringing her up win you. Nasty, childish and pathetically unattractive.

WTAFF · 03/03/2016 10:21

I Know he will do it again. That much is obvious. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

I can't even bring myself to be angry about this particularly.

OP posts:

AndYourBirdCanSing · 03/03/2016 10:31

How long have you been together? Do you have children?

WTAFF · 03/03/2016 10:39

We've b together for about two years but no children and we don't live together.

OP posts:

WTAFF · 03/03/2016 10:40

*been

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 03/03/2016 10:44

BIN!

Optimist1 · 03/03/2016 11:05

Yes, you're wasting your time and emotions on this loser (wasn't that the gist of the advice on your earlier thread?). Your life will be much happier without him.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/03/2016 12:10

You have no ties to this man so why are you putting up with this?
You can do better than this manipulative knob.
Stopping sex with you to talk about another womans arse! No feckin' way! He'd be well and truly out the door with my boot up his arse.

TheStoic · 03/03/2016 12:14

I see many more Janes in your future, OP. If you stay with him.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 03/03/2016 12:16

So no ties like children, finances or house, just the inconvenience of seeing him at work.

You know what the answer is, don't you?

HoppingForward · 03/03/2016 12:34

Eugh, no ties?

Hold your head up high and run for the hills!

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Jan45 · 03/03/2016 13:15

Jesus, he's as subtle as a brick - what a tosser, can't believe you are still with him - he has zero respect for you OP, I bet Jane and her friends have a right laugh about him.

Gobbolino6 · 03/03/2016 13:38

Oh only 2 years? I am in no way trying to minimise the emotional pain of a breakup at this point, but I really think you'd be very wise to seriously consider it...easier now than years down the line .

AndYourBirdCanSing · 03/03/2016 14:19

Yes, no solid ties now so I would leave, without a doubt.

You KNOW you deserve better than this.

Flip

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