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Exdh won't support dc's degree at American University :(

(120 Posts)
exwifeofatwat Wed 02-Mar-16 20:57:51

Venting. My twatish exdh earns a solid 150k a year, he has no gf/dp & no mortgage. He has always told our dc since scratch, that when the time comes, he will fully fund the cost of their university. Now it's about time for the ball to be set in motion and our oldest dc has decided they really want to go to America to do their degree (not saying what/where as it's very outing). Exdh now outright refuses to fund anything at all as he insists the only option is that they live with him & attend a Uni near him. Dc is gutted. I'm gutted. I'm not in a position to fund anything at all as I'm on the bones of my arse as it is. I'm pissed off.

DeoGratias Wed 02-Mar-16 20:59:39

Does it say in your court order? Mine says I (the mother) must pay the school fees and unviersity costs of all 5 children.

Even if yours does not then there is a right in England (not Scotland) for adult children to apply to court for funding at university from the parent they don't live with.

Are you sure a US university is best? I believe UK top employers for the best jobs still prefer the leading UK universities with which they are familiar.

exwifeofatwat Wed 02-Mar-16 21:01:46

Dc intends to stay in The States to work.

exwifeofatwat Wed 02-Mar-16 21:04:22

Our court order says nothing about future £ re the kids as we had a clean break. It never occurred to me he'd change his mind. He really wants the kids to move in with him as he's lonely but they don't want to as he's abusive.

Sweetandsour93 Wed 02-Mar-16 21:05:04

Could there be a compromise? - dc could go to a British uni but have a year in the states as part of the course, many of the leading UK universities now offer this option. Also worth looking at scholarships etc although these are few and far between.

SushiAndTheBanshees Wed 02-Mar-16 21:05:50

Holy cow. 150k/year, even with no mortgage, would make fully funding a degree at an American university a very tight squeeze. I'm assuming DC would be an overseas student, no help with tuition costs? Plus accommodation, travel, living expenses. And is this a degree which will realistically require a further degree to enter the workplace?

It's one thing fully funding a UK university degree but a U.S. one is a whole other kettle of fish. We are already saving up for our DCs' higher education (here in the U.S.) and they've barely been born.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 02-Mar-16 21:06:31

When is your dc due to go to university - this year or next?

Duckdeamon Wed 02-Mar-16 21:07:48

Does DC have citizenship? If not, working post-study could be very difficult unless they have niche skills.

Do you / DC have evidence of past promises? Have you investigated the legal position?

Your ex is being unreasonable to insist upon DC living with him as a condition of paying for university, but study in the US can be very expensive indeed, plus flights etc, it's very much a "luxury" option, unless DC can get a scholarship, so IMO he's not being unreasonable about that, especially if there are good alternatives in the UK.

exwifeofatwat Wed 02-Mar-16 21:08:10


Duckdeamon Wed 02-Mar-16 21:10:59

If ex DH is abusive and can't be relied upon - or legally compelled! - to keep his promises or hand over lump sums then DC might do well to assume they will be paying for their own higher education. Which rules out the USA, since they would be unable to get loans complete their studies should their father start paying then stop later.

SolsburyHell Wed 02-Mar-16 21:12:46

He is bu to expect them to limit themselves to going to uni near him. Yabu to expect him to fund a us degree and accommodation etc...that is a whole different ball game.

DeoGratias Wed 02-Mar-16 21:13:56

We have a clean break and no continuing maintenance - a clean break means no support from one spouse to another but it usually says who pays what for the children and often if it's well drafted as a consent order will deal with who pays for "tertiary" or university education so definitely worth checking it.

If not then the child, I believe, has that legal right I describe above which is quite anomalous - as if you live with both parents but they choose not to pay a penny towards university you cannot force them but if your parents are apart you can ! It would certainly be sensible fot the child to speak to a solicitor about it.

Divathecat Wed 02-Mar-16 21:15:01

Get a degree course that does a year in the U.S.? There are loads of them

SushiAndTheBanshees Wed 02-Mar-16 21:18:25

Just seen that there's more than one DC.

I'm sorry you were married to an abusive twat, but I don't think this is the right thing to focus your ire on. It's pretty reasonable to expect your kids to go to university in the UK, which has some of the world's leading universities. HE in the U.S., assuming you have no family ties or other reason for your DC to study here, is a lifestyle choice that's along the lines of "I want daddy to buy me a new Porsche every year, for four or five years, and rent an apartment for me and pay my living costs and pay for my flights, when I have a perfectly decent BMW sitting at home".

Sorry. I'm sure you've got lots against him, no doubt justifiably, but in this case it sounds like he's on the right side.

FigMango1 Wed 02-Mar-16 21:22:38

Op I also agree that funding a hugely expensive degree in the US is a bit too much of an ask when you have some of the best universities right here. How many dc do you have? If he does it for one and the others want to do that then what?
Can they compromise and study here instead?

MuttonCadet Wed 02-Mar-16 21:28:01

Sorry, but a degree in the US? Totally unreasonable to ask for, it simply isn't comparable to supporting a child through a degree in the UK.

almondpoisson Wed 02-Mar-16 21:30:16

Unless there is a huge scholarship component, I think you're being very unreasonable. I don't see how he could fund that on his net salary without additional funding solely for that purpose.

MuttonCadet Wed 02-Mar-16 21:31:27

Are you claiming CM, because at £150k with two kids you could be claiming £37,500 per year. (Apologies if I'm out of date, but it used to be 25% of income).

PitilessYank Wed 02-Mar-16 21:33:57

At 150K a year, he could afford a US university education.

But it makes more economic sense for your child to attend university in the UK, and then perhaps ask his/her dad for help with moving expenses, housing, etc, in the future.

Employers in the US are perfectly impressed with European degrees, so there won't be any problem with that. There is less worry in the US about exactly where a person has gotten his/her degree than it seems that there is in the UK.

laurierf Wed 02-Mar-16 21:37:52

Expecting DC to live with him whilst at UK uni = unreasonable.

Expecting him to fund US degree = reasonable unless there is some reason DC will not be expected to pay astronomical fees.

How much would it actually cost to fund the US degree?

forumdonkey Wed 02-Mar-16 21:39:16

Disappointing I know but I've not had a penny maintenance in years for my DC's, I have supported them single handedly on just my salary. On the upside to this is they both work and have a fantastic work ethic, responsibility and know the value of money (youngest DC is a full time student going to uni soon) Maybe instead of being handed the cash it's an opportunity to think outside the box and seek other opportunities and possibilities.

lavenderhoney Wed 02-Mar-16 21:40:23

I thought court orders just went up to end of secondary education?

And mutton, child maintenance - it's not based on salary like that. My ex earns a fucking tax free fortune and takes pleasure in paying the bare minimum expected plus he sees the when he's in the uk, so not much- a maybe 3 times a year. And not overnight- you're looking at about £650 a month not £37500 a yearsmile I wishsmile

Coconutty Wed 02-Mar-16 21:41:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

almondpoisson Wed 02-Mar-16 21:43:32

It costs roughly $60,000 USD a year for tuition and a room, maybe some with board. Some are more. This increases annually. It doesn't include other costs, medical insurance, flights, and everything else. I don't understand how that's objectively reasonable unless it is a US specific course, and there is at least a part scholarship.

NerrSnerr Wed 02-Mar-16 21:43:33

Have you worked out exactly how much the degree would cost? If completely self funding it would be very expensive and what if all the children want to go to America?

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