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Partners cousin makes my life hell (Sorry long post!!)

(16 Posts)
HarlowsMummy90 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:45:21

Hey everyone, I'm new here so be nice if I do anything wrong, lol!

I'm 23 and have been with my partner since we were both 18. When I was 20 I found out I was pregnant with a little girl, now we have a beautiful 2 year old together smile

His family for the most part are ok with me, his mum loves our daughter and so do his brother and sister. However, the problem arises with his cousin.

From day 1 I hate to admit it but I've had bad views about his cousin. Shes 32 and refuses to work for some unknown reason (All of her children are in school) she has 4 children and no contact with their dads - some of the family claim she doesnt even know who their dads are.
Her children themselves are very rude. I know it isn't the kids fault that they've been raised with poor manners but whenever I see them it just makes me cringe as they're so rude. They open and close cupboards in my house looking for food, they go into my partners office and use his playstation to play 'adult' games, and when I say they shouldn't their mother backs them up and says they can.

His cousin has always had a problem with me too. In the 4.5 years I've been in his family she has never directly spoken to me until a few days ago (Which I will get to later) She outright ignores me and looks past me if I'm speaking near her or even to her. I was told by my boyfriends brother that before he got with me her and my boyfriend used to have 'sleep overs' this is when my boyfriend was 17/18 and she would've been in her mid 20s with children! I asked him about these sleepovers and he said it was always good fun and there wasn't a problem with it. After he got with me the sleepovers evidently stopped so I feel she harbours some anger towards me for breaking their bond kind of?

I have gotten home from work on several occasions late at night (I work as a receptionist in an A and E department) and my partner will be sat on the sofa in our living room with his cousin next to him, in their pyjamas watching movies. One night I was so tired from work and irritated that I told her she should go home to her children as I wanted time with my partner now. This flipped my partner out, he was really angry at me. I was speaking the truth - she never even cares for her own children, it's always her parents or my partners mother that does it.

At the weekend we went to my partners mothers for sunday dinner. Of course his cousin was there, she always is.
Whilst we were eating his mother invited our daughter to his cousins daughters 11th birthday party. I said it was a lovely invitation and we would take her along, or I would because my partner works weekends. Honestly I didn't want to go and spend time with his cousin and her children but it was for my daughter, not me.

Anyway, his mother went to clear the dishes and my partner and his siblings were helping so it was just me in the dining room with his cousin and two of her children aswell as my daughter. She turned directly to me and said she didn't think it was a good idea for Harlow (My daughter) to go to her daughters birthday party. I was taken aback so didn't even respond to her. It was so rude and she hadn't even given me an excuse.

I told my partner as soon as we got home what she had said and he didn't believe me. I swear down to you ladies he didn't believe me!!! He said I'd always had an issue with his cousin and that he didn't believe she'd say that to me as she's a 'lovely woman' I was so angry that I left the house and went to stay at my parents for the night. He texted me during this saying if I couldn't accept his close relationship with his family and cousin then we'd have to rethink our relationship.

I'm at a loss. Things have blown over now between me and him, I told him what she had said was the truth and he sort of accepted it but he's done nothing about it.

What do you guys think? I'm so annoyed and stressed. How can one woman be making my life hell like this? I'm also thinking of my daughter here.

MoominPie22 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:57:32

This is very strange. The closeness that he has with his cousin isn´t natural and it would appear she resents you cos you´re in the way. Does she live very close? Late at night she´s sat with your partner in her PJs?? shock AND he proceeds to kick off just cos you´d like some privacy late at night after you get in from a stressful shift? How fucking dare he and she?? That´s bonkers angry

And I´m actually aghast that he straight away implied you´re a liar cos he didn´t believe you over his creepy cousin re the party! So much so that he´s threatening to end the relationship!!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I think I´d be initiating a split if that´s how he´s wanting to play it. Something´s not right here between the 2 of them. Not normal at all this. Sounds like his loyalty is with her not you. How awful sad

HarlowsMummy90 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:58:51

Yeah she does live close, all of his family live close to us as he chose where we would live when we moved out. I completely moved away from my family so he could live near his, there was no in between..

RudeElf Wed 02-Mar-16 20:02:12

Ummm anyone that couldnt bring themselves to speak to me wouldnt set foot in my house! Why on earth did you allow this to go on for so long?

Motherinlawsdung Wed 02-Mar-16 20:09:45

"He texted me during this saying if I couldn't accept his close relationship with his family and cousin then we'd have to rethink our relationship."
^^ this.

There's a Mumsnet saying - "When someone tells you who they are, listen".
He's telling you where his loyalties lie. I would not be at all surprised if it turns out there was a physical relationship in the past, and possibly still ongoing, between him and his cousin.
Run for the hills OP.

pictish Wed 02-Mar-16 20:11:50

I agree. Anyone who wouldn't see fit to talk to me certainly wouldn't be granted entry to my home. I am astonished that your dh thinks you should tolerate it!

MoominPie22 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:12:21

I don´t feel terribly confident about the future of your relationship tbh, sorry. Esp if they all live so close in proximity but he´s so close to them emotionally that he won´t hear a negative word said against them. How will you ever be able to have a normal discussion with him about anything?

You´re being expected to just fall in line here and put up or shut up. I think you inadvertently signed up to having his family in your life ( and in your face! ) when you started living with him. So he couldn´t even compromise and live midway between his and your family? It´s you that´s had to make all the sacrifices evidently!

I think the sun shines out of his cousin´s arse as far as he´s concerned and you´re on a hiding to nowhere trying to talk to him. He only cares about his convenience and his family´s feelings, not your´s. His family are far more of a priority on his list than his own partner. It´s shocking really.

There´ll be another drama and he´ll just side with them. Rinse and repeat. It depends on your tolerance and what you´re prepared to take. I actually think if you gave him an ultimatum he´d choose his family (cousin) every time.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 02-Mar-16 20:25:20

He doesn't have your back, OP.

It may be wrong and twisted, but his loyalty lies with this cousin, not you. There's nothing you can do to make him see the light : he can't hear what he doesn't want to hear. He even prefers to think that you are lying.

Move out, have no further interaction with his family.

PhoenixReisling Wed 02-Mar-16 20:33:21

OP if the name you specified in your post is her real name, I would report this thread to MNHQ and kindly ask that they remove it for you (maybe also change your user name).

Right, this sounds odd. Very odd. She is 32 and hangs out in her pj's with your twenty something DP and he has issues with you for saying something shock.

No wonder she has issues with you....they are behaving a though they are a couple and you are the breeding machine who provides money..

Let them carry on and run for the hills.

HarlowsMummy90 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:34:26

Honestly this post has made all of my emotions come out, because in the past I have always felt second best to his family.

He told me in an argument a few years ago his family would always come before me as they're his family. When I fell pregnant with my daughter at a young age his mother actually accused me of purposely getting pregnant to 'trap him' in a relationship. She seemed to forget it took two to tango! Of course she then grew to love our baby but it never leaves me that she told him this.

Joysmum Wed 02-Mar-16 20:35:37

He texted me during this saying if I couldn't accept his close relationship with his family and cousin then we'd have to rethink our relationship

He's trying to make this out to be about the closeness of his family. It really isn't.

He has no wish to allow you time to unwind after a shift.

He sees no issues with his cousin not speaking to you in your own home and making you feel uncomfortable.

He believes you're making up that you are told not to come to the party.

He's told you he value them more than you.

You've compromised, he's not compromised as he just takes what you give.

As RiceCrispieTreats rightly said, he doesn't have your back sad

PhoenixReisling Wed 02-Mar-16 20:35:50

Remember this:

if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat then it is a rat

HarlowsMummy90 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:36:24

The worst part about what I stated above was that he believed his mothers word, that I had actually done this to trap him. I was accused of having my implant removed and all sorts when in reality it was just a fluke and a total surprise that I fell pregnant. I was in university at the time studying nursing, as if I'd purposely do that.

HarlowsMummy90 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:40:51

I agree with you all so much, you've all offered me so much insight. His family do come before me. He adores our daughter so I'm not sure that's the case with her (I hope to god it isn't)
His family has never made any effort with mine. They always host family parties and my parents have never as much had an invite. The one time my parents met his mother at the hospital when our daughter was born she barely said a word to them and seemed incredibly awkward.

PhoenixReisling Wed 02-Mar-16 20:41:32

They do not sound very nice at all and both you and your daughter deserve so much more.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 02-Mar-16 20:47:59

You don't have a cousin problem, or a family problem. You have a boyfriend problem.

None of their behaviours would matter to you if he stood up for you. And, sadly, I don't think he'll get any better.

You're young. You were in uni (did you finish?). Get your life together without him and tell him to fuck off with his cousin!

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