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Do I tell his mum I'm pregnant or leave this?

(50 Posts)
Keljensen833 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:23:46

I'm 19 and 29 weeks pregnant. The father is 21. We where "seeing each other" for a while back in the summer. It was never serious but at the time we did have feelings for each other and was more than just sex, eventually we argued over something silly and we just gradually stopped talking.

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and told him straight away. We genuinely did use contraception but it ripped after he had finished and neither of us had any clue about the morning after pill. I told him I was pregnant and he was very upset, he didn't want to think about the option of keeping it and he asked me to get an abortion and told me he will always be there for me if I get one and whatever I need him to do he will do. He was lovely about it and understanding or how horrible it was but assuring that it was for the best. When I did talk about keeping it he would get scared, panicky and say he wasn't ready for a baby, couldn't have one etc. I told him that if I did keep it he wouldn't have to be involved and he told me that even if he wasn't involved it didn't make it any easier because the child was a part of him. He said he would have to cut us both off but his life and mindset would change and he didn't want that.

I felt bad because he seemed so lovely and I felt like I had made him scared and upset. I told him I had an abortion at 9 weeks. I explained it in detail (lied) and he was there for me.

I lied. I did go for a consultation but I just couldn't do it. I was convinced that I could do this all alone. It wasn't until yesterday I started thinking what will I tell my daughter when she asks about her dad when she's older, how he would feel if he found out 5-10 years down the line, how my daughter would hate me if she ever found out I kept it from him.

I told him on the phone that I lied about the abortion. He just hung up on me. I text him and he didn't reply he told me to leave him alone. He text me today saying that he can not believe I would lie in detail about something so serious then take advantage of him being there for me when I never even had one. He said that he didn't want this baby and that he is going to cut me out of his life and how it will be hard now he knows he has a child but he says its for the best for him. He asked me not to tell anyone and that it's the least I can do considering the lies. He said if I told anyone he's the dad and his family found out then they would be appalled at the fact he doesn't want to be involved.

I don't know what to do sad I can't do this on my own I don't want my daughter to have no father I know how it feels. I want to atleast be able to tell her I tried to get him to have a relationship with you. Possibly if she can't have a dad atleast she can have grand parents. I am just so worried and hurt. I tried to send him a scan picture but he said he couldn't look at it.

The only way I can contact his mum is through social media. I don't know if I should tell her or if I should just leave it. I really don't know.

ButterBeanSoup Wed 02-Mar-16 19:52:09

I'm sure others will be along with good advice, but I just wanted to say that although you've perhaps not made the best decisions up til now, I really feel for you.

Primaryteach87 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:04:32

Obviously the lying was a great idea but neither was his pressuring you. My personal view is that you don't owe him secrecy. If you want to tell his mum, then do.

Primaryteach87 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:04:48

^wasn't

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 02-Mar-16 20:11:04

You shouldn't have lied. Nor should he have put that kind of pressure on you whilst you were so vulnerable! Disgraceful man.

Yes, you should tell his family. If he doesn't want to be involved then that is his perogative. He doesn't get to decide the same for the rest of his family who may want and actively seek a relationship with your child. How cruel of him to deny a child their extended family just because he doesn't want to deal with their judgement of his shitty behaviour.

flowers cake

MorrisZapp Wed 02-Mar-16 20:14:57

Do you have any family of your own?

ILikeUranus Wed 02-Mar-16 20:24:17

How cruel of him to deny a child their extended family just because he doesn't want to deal with their judgement of his shitty behaviour.
^This. Exactly.

Ohfourfoxache Wed 02-Mar-16 20:33:05

You shouldn't have lied. But you know that.

But equally, he had absolutely no right to pressure you into ANYTHING. And if he had been supportive AT ALL then he should have gone to the clinic with you purely to offer support and hold your hand. No pressure, just to be there.

Personally I'd be telling this worm's family. You don't owe him anything. Not a bloody thing.

Sweetandsour93 Wed 02-Mar-16 21:17:56

I would tell them, it is much better to say sooner rather than leaving it years down the line. You don't owe him anything and he's left you to deal with all this on your own, the baby is part of both of you and has a right to know who his/her family are.

HeddaGarbled Wed 02-Mar-16 23:03:44

I don't think it is your place to tell her. If the only way you can contact her is through social media, you obviously don't know each other. You are making a massive assumption that she would be a good thing in yours and your child's lives. She could be angry with you and reject you and your child. She could be unpleasant to you and your child. She could be overbearing and interfering and critical of you and make your life a misery in the future. She could be angry with her son and this news will cause a rupture in their relationship. It is for him to tell her or not and in his own time and in the way he thinks best, as the person who has the relationship with her and knows her and how she is likely to feel and react.

Your ex, at the moment, doesn't want you to have this baby. You have chosen to have the baby. Neither of you are wrong. You have each made your own decisions. This is hard for you but it is hard for him too. Don't send him scan pictures. Leave him alone to process this major life event in his own time and his own way. He may come round in time but you laying on the guilt trip when you made the decision to keep the baby against his wishes is unfair.

Telling his mum against his wishes will make him even more angry with you than he already is and further damage any prospect of future amicable co parenting.

You need support but you are trying to get it from the wrong people. Do you have family of your own? Supportive friends? If not ask your GP to put you in touch with the Health Visitor attached to your GP practice. They will be able to give you advice about how to get extra support as a single mum.

LeaLeander Wed 02-Mar-16 23:30:25

I wouldn't tell the mother. He made it clear via using contraception and endorsing the abortion that he wasn't interested in fatherhood. Yes, he had sex, but it just doesn't seem fair that one mishap should condemn a boy to a lifetime of involuntary parenthood when abortion is legal, safe and ready available.

To me, if a woman is going to claim that this choice is 100pct her prerogative then she should be prepared for 100pct of the consequences too.

And the massive deception is just unforgivable. How could anyone recover from that?

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Wed 02-Mar-16 23:34:34

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. flowers

I agree that you should let his DM know for the reasons PP have stated. Have you thought about whether you'll apply for child maintenance from the father? Kids are so expensive.

Openmindedmonkey Wed 02-Mar-16 23:38:31

What do you think his parents' reactions would be if they bumped into you & your new baby walking down the street one day? Would they stop & talk, ask about the baby, wonder about it? Would they want to know it was their grandchild? Thinking this through might guide your decision; they do sound like decent people.

You may also want to inform the father that you're contacting the csa; your child is clearly entitled to financial support so get that underway - what will his reaction be to that dose of reality?
You are right to look at life from your dc's perspective now - I think they are going to have a great mother, you've already made the best possible decision for them.
Thinking of you flowers

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Wed 02-Mar-16 23:48:35

Op please tell his mother.
If this guy does not want to involved that's fine but I can tell you she will want to know.
She will be shocked.
Give it time to process and get on with your life.
She will come back at least when the baby is born.
And maybe this man will step up too.
Don't feel guilty about keeping this baby.

houseeveryweekend Thu 03-Mar-16 00:03:31

You shouldn't have lied but its understandable that you did. You are so young and at your age id probably have done the same thing just out of not really knowing what to do! Its so difficult when people put you under pressure but well done for doing what you thought was right for you and not just what he wanted.
It is selfish of him to deny his child the right to know its father and family but bare in mind he is also young and also may be in shock. His emotions have been yanked around a bit and although he doesn't sound like a great person I think anyone would be a bit confused and upset if they had thought their child was dead and then found out it was alive.
It might be that he just needs time to get used to the idea that he will be having a child now.
Id just leave it for a couple of months and don't contact him. You may well find that when he has the space to think about it he will realise he is making a mistake not wanting to know the child. I think this is especially true if he knows that his family would think that him being in the childs life was the right thing to do... on some level he must also know its the right thing to do.
I think that whatever happens you will be raising this child mostly by yourself but don't be frightened you can do it! You were strong enough to decide to keep the baby in spite of great pressure so you are definitely strong enough to look after a baby well.
I wouldn't contact his mother just yet but wait and see how this unfolds. I think if you put a lot of pressure on him now he might get reactionary ad be very against everything. It may work just to give him a bit of space to come to terms with the info.
If that doesn't work however by the time you have the baby then I would consider telling his mother as she may very well want to be part of your childs life and its not up to him wether she is or isn't!
good luck with everything xxxxx

sykadelic Thu 03-Mar-16 03:21:58

I wouldn't, simply because I don't think you're telling her for the right reasons, and because you don't know her or what she's like.

You want to tell her because you don't want to do this alone. This might not change when you tell her, and could in fact end up worse for you (in the ways that others have mentioned).

I suggest instead you give him time to come around. Continue to gently keep him informed. How far along you are, approx. when the baby is due, sex... things like that. You can't MAKE him become a father. He is, at this point, just a sperm donor with financial responsibility. He's understandably freaking out.

Also give yourself more time. You're hormonal, you're pregnant and freaking out a little yourself. Give yourself time to sort your life out as a sole parent. Get things figured out at your end. You do not need to be financially beholden to him, and you will make it work without needing anyone else. You will keep the door open for him, but just because this child is a part of him, doesn't mean he's going to be a good father.

You shouldn't have lied, you know that, so he needs time to come around just like you've had time to come around.

Sofygwh Thu 03-Mar-16 04:32:14

Listen, although it was a bit different, I've been there too and I wish I had kept the child for myself without involving him or his family. I did and made a huge mistake that I'll be paying forever in terms of custody fights in court and money wise.
You will find an other man who loves you and will be a father for your daughter, a man who really wants a family with you, and your daughter will be the happiest princess ever. Don't make the mistake of involving them. He doesn't want you and his parents will always be on his side, never yours. Think about it. He's their son don't forget. You can do it.

wannabestressfree Thu 03-Mar-16 04:49:54

You absolutely can do this by yourself!! You will be fine, its a slog but your daughter has a fine mum already smile
With regard to his parents I would hang fire and wait until she arrives. Stop texting him now until she comes and give him time to take everything in. It will be a shock to him.I agree you should apply to csa etc but have a nice calm pregnancy now smile
I have always had an excellent relationship with DS2's dads family even when he didn't see him. They have always been incredibly loving and supportive of him.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes Thu 03-Mar-16 05:37:01

We genuinely did use contraception but it ripped after he had finished and neither of us had any clue about the morning after pill.

Just shockhmmhmm and this!!
If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to take responsibility for the potential consequences!
You can't make him face his responsibilities since you've forced him into having a child, equally he shouldn't have tried to pressure you into an abortion. Seek support from your friends/family and when the baby arrived talk to him about his legal responsibilities to his child.

Ledkr Thu 03-Mar-16 05:50:41

Well unfortunately for him he will have to pay for this child whether he wants to see her or not.

Yes people need to take responsibility for unwanted pregnancies if they have sex, the op seems to be dealing with her side of things and he will have to too.

abortion is a risky, emotionally difficult surgical procedure not a default option for failed contraception.

lunar1 Thu 03-Mar-16 06:03:58

Has he said what he plans to do financial at for his child. You need to seek financial support from him once your baby arrives.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 03-Mar-16 07:20:45

As I understand it, your relationship with this young man had ended before you discovered you were pregnant. On hearing the news, he asked you to terminate the pregnancy and you assured him that if you continued it he wouldn't have to be involved.

You then led him to be believe that you had terminated the pregnancy to the extent that you enacted the part of woman who had recently had an abortion and gave him graphic detail of what it entailed, during which time he was "there" for you after which, presumably, you went your separate ways with you being "convinced" that you could do it alone.

Some 19/20? weeks later you have decided that you "can't do this" on your own which led you to text him on Tuesday of this week with the news that he will be a father in a couple of months' time and, having found his mother on FB, you are now canvassing opinion as to whether you should tell her even though he has specifically asked you not to tell anyone at the present time.

I imagine this young man is reeling from shock at the enormity of your lie, and the very least you can do is allow him time to come to terms with the fact that the termination he nursed/comforted you through didn't occur.

It may be that he will tell his parents himself, but in any event it is not your place to do so and I can't imagine that many dm, or df for that matter, would look kindly on a woman who has put their ds through the equivalent of an emotional wringer and, having not got what she wants from him, approaches his parents.

When your dc is born, and not before, you can claim child maintenance through the CSA. It may be that he will step up to the plate and institute contact with his dc-to-be but, if not, they will be free to seek him and other paternal family members out when they come of age.

Fwiw, back in the not too distant days when 'having' to get married due to pregnancy was as expected as it was commonplate, a friend of my dgm told her ds who found himself at the wrong end of an irate father's shotgun in a similar position that he didn't have to do any such thing if he didn't want to. At the time this was unheard of groundbreaking and caused the ds to leave town for a few years.

The ds voluntarily paid maintenance for his dc regularly and his dm scrupulously sent the exact value of gifts to the dc every birthday and Christmas that she gave to her other and subsequent dgc. The dc in question was made aware of his df's name at an early age and sought him out when he was 16. Father and son have an excellent relationship and it's remarkable how much the dc resembles his df in temperament as well as physical looks.

As with giving birth, certain matters can't be hurried and you are best advised to wait for time to bring resolution, or solutions that haven't yet come to mind, as trying to force it at this early stage may result in unwelcome repercussions.

Also fwiw I suspect that this young man will shortly seek you out, not least to verify that the texts you so recently sent him are not more lies on your part.

Dc don't need grandparents; having loving and caring dgps is a blessing but having dgps who aren't particularly enamoured with the dc or its dm can be a curse.

flowers Relax, OP. Enjly the run up to giving birth and know that what will be, will be.

By way of clarification, abortion does not have to be a surgical procedure and, if the MAP has not been obtained or fails to work, it is a default option for failed contraception which, in some cases, is essential for the emotional and/or physical wellbeing of the women concerned, Ledkr. I rejoice that it's legal, otherwise we'd be back in the days of medically unqualified backstreet abortionists with high risk of permanent infertility and worse.

bluebell34567 Thu 03-Mar-16 07:39:01

agree with HeddaGarbled.

MatildaTheCat Thu 03-Mar-16 09:53:15

Goddess speaks a lot of sense. You are in panic mode and wanting instant reassurance but that isn't fair or realistic. What support do you have? Capitalise on that for now. To be fair you made choices and deliberately excluded him from any choice and you must give him time to process that and decide where to go from now. Running to his mum would likely put a nail in the coffin of any hope you might have of gaining his trust again.

You've told him the truth now. Leave him alone and wait. Perhaps in a week or two offer him the option of meeting to discuss the pregnancy. He may want to attend appointments or scans or not.

Hopefully you will post again giving more detail about what support you do have and we can offer advice (I am a former mw for young mothers). For now, allow the dust to settle.

PrimalLass Thu 03-Mar-16 10:04:54

How did you get to 19 and have no clue about the morning after pill?

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