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definitive ducks in a row checklist

(15 Posts)
rememberthetime Wed 02-Mar-16 11:58:58

Name changed for this.
The phrase get your ducks in a row is so often used but I struggle with what it means. What should I do first?
I know all situations are different but in my case there is no violence but I do feel anxious. My husband is controlling and despite him seeking help I still cannot Trust him. I am not prepared to wait any longer. That said I have to accept I have no independent money at the moment.
What small steps can u take daily that elk take me forward to my own home with my teenage children.
I tried telling him I was leaving and he talked me out of it. But i still want to go.
Is there a ducks in a row protocol?

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rememberthetime Wed 02-Mar-16 12:00:22

Ooops sorry about the cut and paste fail. My phone has a mind of its own. ..

HoppingForward Wed 02-Mar-16 12:04:49

What is your home situation? Owned, mortgage, rented, joint names on documents?

HoppingForward Wed 02-Mar-16 12:06:04

And how old are the DC, are they his children?

rememberthetime Wed 02-Mar-16 13:00:14

Yep his kids. Mortgage with around 80k in equity. The kids are mid to late teens. I don't want the house but would like my share of the equity obviously.
My hope is that I can move out to my own rented place with the kids if they want to come. I do work but self employed and my income varies. I can't save money without him knowing.
I do earn enough to cover rent and keepingmyself but doubt I could continue to cover mortgage too.
How do I prepare when he is making it impossible and I fear his reactions. I just need to get brave.

HoppingForward Wed 02-Mar-16 13:23:14

You can get your own bank account and start putting a little bit away where you can, cash back on shopping. Take cash out to pay for shopping and put some aside.

Do you know where your essential documents are, have access to online banking?

Visit local estate agents and see what's available and what is needed deposit wise, don't give them any contact details.

Do the online calculator to see what benefits you are entitled to.

You need to gather together financial documents, birth certificates, marriage certificates. Get copies made and put the originals back.

Do you have a rel life friend you can trust to keep hold of the copies for you so he doesn't find them in the house?

Speak to a solicitor, see if you can get legal aid.

I called safer places and they have been great with helpful support 0845 0177668

rememberthetime Wed 02-Mar-16 13:36:40

Really helpful Thank you. The bank account is in place. It's a start. I might visit the estate agents this week to find out about my situation as a possible tenant. I know my income variability might affect that. I have access to all documents. It is more a case of me feeling frightened to do anything that he might find out about than not physically being able to do it. If that makes sense. That's what you call doing a number. ...I have had several numbers done on me to a point I no longer function for my own needs but just do what I know he thinks is ok.
Having small goals gives me back my control.
Thank you

HoppingForward Wed 02-Mar-16 14:22:21

I understand what you mean.

you are getting your ducks in a row already, make that plan, do those little steps, don't let on at all and get yourself all set.

The number above was a god send for me, they really helped tick the boxes especially for things I hadn't even thought about.

Good luck and keep posting.

Fidelia Wed 02-Mar-16 14:53:49

You have as much right to the joint money as he does. So if you need a deposit for moving out, then you transfer it to your bank account shortly before you leave.

You can save cash by:

- cashback at the supermarket/petrol station (keep this for paying the electric/gas in case the place you're living has prepay meters)
- buying asda etc vouchers while doing the food shop,so that you have money set aside for groceries during the 4-6 weeks before benefits kick in
- applying for a credit card now...not idea obv, but may tide you over
- start buying some staple foods etc (pasta, pasta sauce, coffee, washing powder) that you can store at a friend's ready for when you move out
- setting up your own paypal (link it to your new personal bank account) and ebay accounts and start selling off some bits that you won't be able to take with you

You need to get:

- photocopies of his last three payslips & his P60 if possible
- yours/dcs passports
- copies of last 3 months bank/mortgage/credit card statements (his/yours/dcs)
- some recent (this month if poss) bills in your name as proof of address
- your driving licence
- all paperwork for your business
- marriage certificate (you need it to start divorce proceedings)
- details of any clubs/activities the dcs do regularly, incl the cost


- make sure the child benefit is in your name, not his
- take photographs of every room so that you can verify the state it was in etc when you left.
- let the school(s) know as soon as you leave
- make it clear to the estate agents that they are only to contact you on your mobile and only to speak to you.

Namechanger2015 Wed 02-Mar-16 15:00:50

Fidelity that list is spot on. I would recommend taking 6 months or a years worth of docs if you can.

Also any rental properties - tenancy agreement s and so on?

rememberthetime Wed 02-Mar-16 17:49:44

Wow. That's a lot to think about. Someone needs to write a book that details all of these things. To many women just run and miss all of the important stuff they shoukd think about.

I am not in any danger and an playing the long game to build up money if I can. 2000 pounds is hard to save when you aretdoing it in secret.

I would certainly feel that is ok to take some money when I go. But the mortgage is half in my name. I can't risk that not being paid. I need to choose my time to coincide with when we have plenty in the bank.

Reading this makes it scary. Even more so.

Mamaka Wed 02-Mar-16 18:22:02

Glad you posted this. I'll be following and taking notes. Good luck!

Allalonenow Wed 02-Mar-16 18:44:38

Depending on just how controlling he is, you could save money by moving down a grade in any brands you buy, using vegetables lentils pulses etc to make your meals stretch a bit more, don't waste any food make a lot of soup! smile have at least one vegetarian meal a week. Move the money you have saved into your own account.

Save a small amount in cash each day/week, even a small amount adds up quickly.

Use loyalty cards where possible, save the points to help you through your early days on your own.

myheadisamess Wed 02-Mar-16 21:39:39

Also glad you posted this. I've discovered that things can turn very sour indeed despite proclamations of wanting to keep things bloody amicable.

MaybeDoctor Wed 02-Mar-16 21:59:48

Ebay could really help you out here.

Even if you sell items for 99p, it adds up very quickly.

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