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Need advice re handling ex and ds contact

(10 Posts)
enjoytheracket Wed 02-Mar-16 09:58:24

I've posted in chat for traffic, but thought I'd post here too. I've copied the post from my other thread:-

Ds spends half his time at his dad's, so a 50/50 arrangement.

There has never been any issues as such, in all the years I've been separated from his dad, and everything pretty amicable.

However, Ds opened up to me last night how hurt he is feeling after a talk his dad and his step mum had with him the other night.

They said they wasn't having a go at him but he shouldn't have any contact with me when it's their week that they have him.

It's nothing in particular that they have a problem with, but lots of small issues, that I think has led to them raising it with him. Some of these issues might be my fault, so I'm also feeling responsible. But not sure.

I occasionally drop Ds to his dad's on my way home from picking my other dc up from school. Ds walks home with friends and coincides with me collecting my other dc's from primary. So we see him all the time. Therefore I will drop him off as we're going that way.

Ds asks me to arrange stuff that they aren't happy with, as they should be doing it, but I've previously been the main care giver so I just do it without thinking. School trips/letters, dofe arrangements etc.

He'll pop back to mine to get a forgotten book/game etc, and they don't like this.

Like I say, lots of small things.

When ds is with me, there have been many occasions where he'll pop over to his dad's to watch football/see family visiting etc, and I don't feel hurt.

As long as my ds is as happy as possible in the circumstances, then I have no problem.

Or am I doing things wrong? Sorry if I end up drip feeding, as I'm not sure what info is relevant here.

Any thoughts?

enjoytheracket Wed 02-Mar-16 10:01:30

I wanted to add, that ex's wife and family have been amazing to my ds. And I care about them as my ds's other family.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 02-Mar-16 10:13:55

As long as my ds is as happy as possible in the circumstances

I know you won't, but please don't lose sight of this because the welfare and wellbeing of your ds is paramount and your ex and his new partner are being exceedingly precious unreasonable in expecting that he should have no contact whatsoever with you when he's spending time with them and, more especially, as your two homes are close to each other.

What they're demanding is the equivalent of cutting your ds in half and it doesn't take the wisdom of Solomon to know that this is not good for the child, and nor is it good for his siblings if they're expected to ignore him when they see him just because it's on his df's time.

How old is your ds and how is he feeling after discussing 'the talk' with you?

LittleLegs25 Wed 02-Mar-16 10:17:33

I personally wouldn't have a problem with this at all. I would talk to your ex about this in a calm way and find out the root of the problem.

enjoytheracket Wed 02-Mar-16 10:31:27

Thank you so much for your reply.

Ds is nearly 15 and doing mocks for triple science so stressed. I knew something was troubling him and he opened up last night. I didn't react to his news. I just comforted him and reassured him that he is not at fault in any way. I asked whether he wanted me to raise it with his dad, and he more or less said no way.

Ex is an occasional knob and has in the past said ds needs to learn to share himself about a bit. I got annoyed with him and said no, we are responsible for the position we've put him in and we need to learn to cope with this. I don't think he took this on board.

I'm surprised this has happened to be honest. The arrangement of 50/50 came from a gradual build up from eow, and ds decided this is what he wanted. We separated when ds was 2, and ex's wife was around from age 3. So ds cares about them all and his little sister there.

I'm very laid back and so is ds, I don't always realise when someone has a problem with something, as it's not how I'd automatically see it.

Nothing has ever been set in stone.

enjoytheracket Wed 02-Mar-16 10:34:44

Little, I wanted to speak to ex, but as ds has exams going on I didn't want him stressing. Ex would likely have a moan to ds. Thanks for the reassurance you have given me, as I thought I might have done things wrong.

blindsider Wed 02-Mar-16 10:42:52

Its a control issue and as long as you are not intruding on their family life they should be grateful.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 02-Mar-16 10:43:24

ds needs to learn to share himself about a bit

Wtf does that mean? The lad is already sharing himself 50/50 with his dps; what's he supposed to do? Find another 10% of himself to dole out to his df?

Your ds is old enough to decide what he wants in relation to contact with his df and if he doesn't feel capable of telling his df to back off, otherwise he'll vote with his feet, I suggest you do it for him.

What his df is doing is an object lesson in how to make a dc feel uncomfortable and push them away, and the fact that he's doing it when ds is stressed to the gills with mocks shows that he truly is a knob of the first water.

coconutpie Wed 02-Mar-16 10:47:34

Your ex is being a twat. At 15, your DS is old enough to decide for himself. And your ex is being an even bigger twat by bringing this up and stressing out your DS when he has exams coming up.

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 02-Mar-16 16:47:56

I was going to say that it's tricky enough to ask a child to live his life half the time in one home and half in the other without asking the child to pretend the other home/parent doesn't exist for 50% of his time, or not get things he needs or has forgotten that are in his other home, or accept a lift ffs. That's about asking ds to take care of meeting adult emotional needs (not his job) and shows no understanding of the situation ds has had to adjust to. He lives in two homes. Of course he doesn't see his life as two separate untouching halves.

And then I saw he was 15.


Ex needs to get a grip. The time where anyone could dictate contact arrangements to your ds is history.

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