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Am I loosing the plot and how the hell did he find me?

(29 Posts)
foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 22:00:45

In October 2014 I took my children and fled, firstly to a tent and I was then placed in a refuge by the council. Stayed 9 weeks before my ex got wind of the area I was in (thanks vodafone!) and told the council, by the end of the day I was in another refuge 200 miles away. He never hit my but ticks most of the other boxes in terms of abuse. To this day he has never admitted he is wrong even though I have gone some way to try to explain things to him.

Moving on to current day and he has contact with his children (but only supervised by me) we are not divorced and there is considerable debt on both sides. (part of his abuse was financial, sit on his arse and tell me to deal with the bills even when there was no money hence borrowing on credit cards or just not being able to pay things.) Tonight he rang me and told me that the mortgage company are about to issue proceedings for repossession, he cant pay the interest on the mortgage, there are considerable arrears and although the house has been on the market since November 14 no one has made an offer to date. It came out tonight that he expects 100% of any profits after sale (if repossession happens it will probably be in negative equity) he believes he's entitled to this as he's paid the bills for the last 18 months.

However, most worrying to me was that he also told me tonight that he now has my address and postcode so his solicitor can send me documents. When I questioned how he'd got it he said as I wasn't prepared to give it to him that he'd paid a private investigator. I've been so careful, I've signed up for nothing, even made sure when I filled in the electors thing that I misspelled my surname. So how has someone found out my address, I don't think its a bluff either sad

CookieLady Tue 01-Mar-16 22:04:37

I don't have any words of wisdom, hopefully someone better will come along. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. flowers

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Mar-16 22:12:08

Do you have a solicitor?

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 01-Mar-16 22:12:48

No advice. But hugs and stay strong.
This must be so hard to cope with.
I'm sorry this is happening

DoreenLethal Tue 01-Mar-16 22:14:49

He could be bluffing of course.

But either way he sounds like a nasty piece of work. If he did hire a PI then they might have followed you after a supervised visit.

foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 22:27:13

Yes, I've got a solicitor but I've only met him once late last year, looks like I'm going to have to drop him a line. Not pursued for divorce yet as ex said if I did then he'd report me for credit card fraud. We used cards for cash to pay bills, he now denies knowing anything about it and as the transactions were done on my computer that leaves me rather worried. He really is a manipulative shit and I really don't think the PI business is a bluff. Be very unlikely I was followed home as it's country lanes and I'd notice someone following for 30 miles. Is it possible to get an address from a car reg?

FeelItInMyToes Tue 01-Mar-16 22:35:23

If you took cash out of your credit card to pay bills, that's not credit card fraud! I have been in banking and finance for over 20 years, if you have any questions about this I am more than happy to answer them, and hopefully put your mind at rest.

foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 22:42:03

Feel, thank you. Problem is that while I ran all my cards to the limit we also did the same with his cards, the transactions on his cards were also via my computer. He knew about them then but now denies knowing anything about it

Marilynsbigsister Tue 01-Mar-16 22:42:57

Same goes for me OP Taking cash out on credit cards that belong to you / your husband is not fraud. I am a criminal fraud investigator for large uk govt agency. Please ask,if you have any questions. From what you have said, he is a manipulative, lying cockwomble who thinks he can bullshit you. Divorce him immediately. See your solicitor and get cracking so he can secure any equity that may be left over once house sold.

AddToBasket Tue 01-Mar-16 22:45:28

Tell your solicitor what happened with the cards and tell him your ex is trying to blackmail you. Keep any texts and try to communicate with your ex only in writing.

PIs will generally find you - that's their job.

foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 22:48:45

Thank you both, the potential fraud problem is that he is now saying that I used his cards (drew cash) without his knowledge, he is a lying knob!

DoreenLethal Tue 01-Mar-16 22:51:53

To pay joint bills? What fraud is that exactly?

Not having a go honest, but why did you meet up with him?

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 01-Mar-16 22:52:51

Yes, it's very easy to get a name and address from a reg plate. DVLA sell the info if you can "show" you have good reason; a good PI will know exactly the line to take.

It's not fraud to withdraw cash on a credit card. It's expensive, but not fraud.

foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 22:54:13

Met up with him so the children could see their Dad, the eldest one who is 5 misses him a lot and ex wanted to see the children.

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 01-Mar-16 22:56:14

You couldn't use his cards to draw cash without his PIN, ie he gave you permission if he gave you his PIN. Or if we're talking online cash transfers, there are security things to go through that again, he would need to give you the answers. This isn't fraud that I can see.

TheWildRumpyPumpus Tue 01-Mar-16 23:04:19

If he has a phone number to contact you on then there'd probably be a way to track you down through that if he really has got himself a PI (even if it's a pay-as-you-go job).

As a PP said though, licence plate would be easiest way to do it.

Did you have any kind of order against him in the past to stop him coming to your house?

foggymountainbreakdown Tue 01-Mar-16 23:10:12

No, no orders against him as since being in refuge he's never known where I live. Phone wouldn't give him the address though as its a contract and still registered to his address. He only found out the rough area of the first refuge after Vodafone sent an invoice for a phone upgrade in store after telling me they would send no paperwork.

Car reg looking likely then, he's seen the car when we've left.

GarlicShake Tue 01-Mar-16 23:16:17

Foggy, I maxed everything out while trying not to go bust - took out new loans to meet the repayments on old ones, the lot. It's not uncommon and it isn't fraud.

I am sorry you've been carrying round a feeling of guilt that isn't justified.

Neither is it fraudulent to use your husband's money to cover family commitments. Both your money is family money. Theft from a spouse only applies to property solely belonging to the dispossessed partner, which usually means they owned it before marrying or it's something like a car registered to you.

In most threads here, I'm all in favour of baring all teeth to get whatever assets there may be from the marriage (having been stitched up by both exes), but in your case there don't really seem to be any worth fighting for. I'm inclined to say "Bring it on, Loser" wink and just get shot of the whole thing.

He doesn't seem to have anything to hold over you, unless he's liable to stoop as low as abducting your children? Have another word with Women's Aid, why don't you? Once you're divorced, there may be a grant you can get to apply for bankruptcy, and WA will help you with the pain-in-the-bum application forms.

Good luck smile flowers It's all getting better from here on!

amarmai Tue 01-Mar-16 23:19:16

assume your solicitor is being paid to look after you and dcc . Is s/he actually doing this job? Reads as if you are getting better advice on mn ,op. Call his bluff and get free of him.

LeanneBattersby Tue 01-Mar-16 23:33:33

If he thinks he can report you for fraud by paying joint, household bills on his credit card then he'll be laughed out of the police station. And if the police did come knocking, you could just smile, deny it and say it was him who paid the bills and he's now trying to harass you by reporting you for fraud. Given the measures you've had to go to to get away from him, there isn't a judge in the land who'd give him the time of day.

shutupandshop Tue 01-Mar-16 23:38:42

Cc fraud. He is talking out of his arse. I have no words of wisdom. I wouldn't be meeting up with him again.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 02-Mar-16 00:33:16

Have you ever googled yourself? I'm very low profile (no social media, no 'profiles' on websites, etc) and yet when I googled my name, there I was with my street name and town on myriad 'people finder' websites. You pay an amount of money and they give you the rest of the address. There are also businesses who specialize in gathering data and selling it on. We used one at my former workplace to do skip-tracing.

VertigoNun Wed 02-Mar-16 00:43:41

192 gives information.

Bogeyface Wed 02-Mar-16 01:07:22

He gave you the PIN thereby breaking the terms of his CC, so if anyone would be liable for that, its him not you.

Dont worry about him reporting you its just another way of him trying to exert control. Re the house, I suggest you agree and sign it over to him in its entirety, because then any profit is his, but as it wont make a profit, any debt it is his too.

springydaffs Wed 02-Mar-16 05:15:46

Funny how he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage but could afford a PI.

Look, your kids don't need this guy. Understatement. Really, they don't. There will be [more] hell ahead of you pursue and facilitate a relationship between them. You are their mother, you need to protect them. I'm not having a go.

Meeting him, supervising contact (by being there yourself shock) has to stop. You are eligible for free legal aid bcs of dv (non -violent dv is still dv). Use your solicitor to get this monster off your back and out of your lives for good.

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