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Mothers Day...

(2 Posts)
bananamilkshake1 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:36:39

So, I'm currently nc with my mother..her choice after I told her in August I couldn't go on a long haul trip with her due to health challenges post cancer surgery. She took this very personally, wrote me a vile letter in which she dragged up everything she felt I had ever done wrong and sent my (very reasonable and conciliatory) reply back to me unopened. I was pretty devastated that the woman who gave birth to me could behave like this & not care about how I might be feeling.

We've never been what I would call close but have generally managed a reasonable relationship. However, her behaviour during and after my illness has really changed how I feel about her, I suppose the scales have fallen from my eyes. I've realised everything is, deep down, all about her and because I wanted to deal with my illness in a private way, mostly just me & dp, she took that as a massive rejection and things have been very difficult since.

Mothers day is fast approaching & I'm wondering whether to send her a card or not. It would be the first time I haven't so I feel a huge obligation to send one, but as I stood looking at cards over the weekend, I just couldn't find one I thought was right.

I'm so sad that things are the way they are with us, but unless I bow down, accept everything is my fault and grovel for forgiveness, things look like they will remain this way for the foreseeable future.

I'm struggling with the whole thong emotionally, but I know not sending her a card will cement that I'm the worst daughter ever.

Can anyone help me to see things more clearly?

Thanks, banana

jinxdragon Tue 01-Mar-16 22:02:16

It sounds tough. I think given that you were never hugely close, I would go with a non specifically mother's day card, maybe one with a nice picture on but blank inside. And write something like "thinking of you on mother's day, I'm here if you want to talk".
You're right that you don't have anything to apologise for.

This leaves the ball in her court, where, IMO, it should be. But it's not aggressive and can't be construed as such by anyone rational. If she complains it isn't a "proper" mother's day card you'll know she's clutching at straws to try to make you feel bad.

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