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Tips/advice. How to get over the grief of an ex wife.

(46 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 21:17:36

Back ground. Wife left me and the kids for another man and moved two hours drive away. I am now a working single dad.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the last year. Every time I think I have things under control it seems heart ache and sadness is always waiting to appear again to kick me down. I have discovered so much hidden truth on this journey. I have finally opened my eyes to years of lies, minipulation, emotional and some physical abuse. And of course to top it off she left me with two young children for a new life with the man she had been having an affair with. So now I have realised her true colours and definitely don't want her back why do I still feel so much loss and hurt for the married life I once had.

I am sorry that keep posting on here but it is my only outlet for my emotions. Now I am a single parent it is isolating. Basically I was fine again. Felling good in my self and also getting out there with a bit of OLD. Really putting my wife back. At the weekend we had a christening for the boy and my ex come down for it and stayed (we keep on good terms as I don't believe in keeping bad blood). Anyway we were for a couple of days a family again. It was so sweet having us both put our daughter to bed and share times with the kids. The kids loved having their mum around as they don't see her alot. When she left to home it let me see how much me and the kids have missing from our life's. How I so wish the kids could have the family life they deserve. Also reminded me of how loney I am on an adult level. Working and bringing up kids without an adult to connect with and share my world with.

I made a horrible mistake tonight that has made me hit rock bottom again emotionally. I looked at our wedding photos. There is one of our first dance. We are embracing, touching foreheads and looking lovingly into each others eyes. It captured the true love we had for each other. I love I never lost throughout our marriage. Broke my heart to realise what had been lost. Despite how abusive she was I know once she really did love me. I would never want to be back with her as I know now her poisonous nature deep down (don't think she can help it, she has issues from her past). But it's still gutting to have lost the family unit we should have, to have lost my best friend and lover and to know that there is know one who looks into my eyes so lovingly any more.

To clarify it is over. I don't love her and don't want her back. But I hurt so much for the life me and the children have lost (if that makes sense). What can I do to stop these attacks of sadness and loneliness come back and hitting me in the gut? I am so sick of feeling like this.

SajStars Tue 01-Mar-16 21:27:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:37:04

What a horrible thing to say to someone who is down !

That's why she left you because you sound a bit wet ?

Who are you to judge ?

He's come one here for support he's not asKing why his wife left him and his children !!!!!!!

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 21:38:30

Maybe be. I have more that MTFU in many appects of my life. I do go down the gym. I was a rugby player for many years. I detest bullies and never had a problem challenging things I think are wrong. In my 11 years in the forces I have seen my fair share of death, destruction and close shaves. So in those respects I think I have done more than most MTFU up in my lifetime. But I suppose we are all complex people. I am an emotional kind of guy when it comes to family matters and issues of the heart. I grew up in a family full of love and I guess I just wanted the same. My parents were great role models.

Betrayedbutsurvived Tue 01-Mar-16 21:40:20

Fucking hell Saj, kick a man while he's down why don't you.

DAD, sorry I have no helpful advice, but I'm sure someone with a smidgeon of compassion will be along soon.

Cynara Tue 01-Mar-16 21:42:59

That's a dreadful thing to say! So many women post similar things and get nothing but support and empathy. He's doing his best; he's working and looking after his children and is perfectly reasonably struggling after seeing his ex behaving like part of the family again recently.

I can't really offer any helpful advice as it seems clear that you're aware that the relationship with your ex is over, and that realistically you're better off without her now. Give it time, and be kind to yourself. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Parsley1234 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:43:34

That is a horrible thing to say saj, it's going to take time 1dad and it s sad for your kids it sounds very difficult situation but you do have the moral high ground because you are keeping cordial relations, allowing access to the children being really adult ! She will come to regret her actions, whereas you will have your beautiful children every day she sounds very self obsessed .

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:43:55

I'm so so try that your going through this, it must be a terrible time for you.

How long has it been since she left ?

I would hold my head up so high that you are now bringing up 2 children on your own and knowing that you should be proud as for any single parent make or female it's one of the toughest jobs out there.

You will always have set backs like these it's so normal so don't be hard on yourself.

There were times when I wanted my sons dad back just to be a family again I missed it so much but then after some time (5years ) I'm absolutely fine and realised I'm actually ok .

You will meet some one again and go on to have the life you want and don't think it will be impossible as a single dad .

I will tell you as a single parent I would be more than happy to meet a man with children and would not be a problem for me and you will find a lot of women out there will be the same.

Us single parents need to stop been so hard on ourselves..

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy, the gym or socialising... There are plenty of things to do if you can find a lil time and push yourself it will help in your recovery

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:47:08

Oh and I was dating a guy for two years with 2 children and it was never a problem...

It's all normally and part of the grieving process so don't be hard on yourself be proud smile

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:50:05

And I think it takes a very strong man to show an emotional side and there is nothing wrong with it at all

Sad4EverMore Tue 01-Mar-16 21:51:39

Goady much say? ?

Sad4EverMore Tue 01-Mar-16 21:52:41

Saj not say

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 21:53:01

I have hobbies and I go to the gym. I suppose the gym and the need to train stuck with me after leaving the Forces. I find the gym helps me alot to focus and feel better. I know I shouldn't complain. I have two great kids, a great job and we do really well. I have seen the darkest parts of humanity and I really do appreciate how lucky I am. I try tell my self how good things are but sometimes the sadness gets the best of me. I know time the cure but I hate feeling like this. I just wish someone knew away I could feel better sooner. Does the pain ever fully go away over time?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 01-Mar-16 21:55:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 22:00:44

I know that feeling of just right. That's how it felt the other night. In a way it's hard because those moments are an illusion of something that will never be again. The moments show what things could be and are then stollen away by the return to reality. Sometimes I feel so angry for what I and the kids have been cheated of.

Sad4EverMore Tue 01-Mar-16 22:01:15

OP you are doing a great job, if it's only been a year then you are over the worst but still quite early in the grief process of the 'life lost'

britmodgirl Tue 01-Mar-16 22:03:27

Saj - not helpful to attack this person. These boards are full of women dealing with emotions are men not allowed them?

Dad I'm a single mum and am 3 years down the line from you.
You are grieving your relationship don't be so hard on yourself.
I still have pangs of sadness and I was the one who called time.
It sounds as if you do most of the childcare which makes it hard to get out.
Loneliness is terrible at times but I guess a few obvious bits of advice:
Gingerbread local group for single parents.
Get involved with the school/toddler group.
Invite people round - I cook for people/have film nights.
When you can get out - do.

I found that in the early days of being single, I grasped at wanting to be with someone but wasn't ready.

I did some counselling but it didn't really float my boat.

Now I've totally come off OLD and am focussing on my relationship with me & enjoying being single.

I've started a course in alternative therapy and have met some new people which has given me a boost.

You need to allow yourself time to grieve but try not to excessively wallow. Set yourself some simple goals.

You are allowed to be sad, pissed off, depressed, lonely.

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 22:04:59

Honestly it really does go away but it does take time it took me 5 years In total for a 16yr relationship he'd had an affair with a young girl married her and they have 2 children...

We are all fine now and get on so well even his young wife lol but when your in the thick of it you don't ever feel like it will go away making it through the day was bad enough then the weeks and then the months I'd say the first 2 years were the hardest for me and then slowly it did get better.

I actually thanked him told it him it was the best thing he ever did as it set me free .... ( just keep that in mind) and still to this day that bothers him !!

One day you will realise the same especially when you go on to have the life that you want !!

There are no guarantees In life, it might not work out for her and she's just lost you and her children that something she will have to live with

For you be the best that you can and succeed that will piss her off !!

Angieyy1 Tue 01-Mar-16 22:08:22

Have you tried any of the groups there are loads of different nights to go along to if you can get out ? People who have the same interests as you!

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 22:16:03

As stupid as it sounds I don't want to get one up on her. I feel sad for her because she gave up a good life for one that from what I can see don't look so good. I hope one day she can sort her own life out and be happy. Although I don't want her back in my life I don't want her to carry on making mistakes in her life. She did enough of that before we met.

Finding out the truth about how she treated me over the years has been hard. Sometimes I feel like a mug. I can see that this in a way has worked out for the best for me. I am on the whole very lucky and successful in life. I do have good friends and family. But it still cuts through me like a knife sometimes how ever much I tell my self how good things are. I just wish I could not feel this way any more. After all its illogical to feel this way when I have probably dodged a bullet.

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Mar-16 22:20:37

At the weekend we had a christening for the boy and my ex come down for it and stayed (we keep on good terms as I don't believe in keeping bad blood). Anyway we were for a couple of days a family again. It was so sweet having us both put our daughter to bed and share times with the kids.

OP I know what a shit time you've had and that you desperately want to return to what used to be normality. But you can't let this happen.

Your wife walked out on you and her kids. She doesn't get to come back and play happy fucking families for the weekend and then bugger off without a backward glance. She wants to come and visit the kids, she can pay for a hotel or come and collect them and take them back to her new boyfriend's place.

Get in touch with your anger. You should be mad at what she's done to your kids. Don't facilitate her, don't give her an easy life.

I say this as the mum to a boy whose birth mum walked out when he was 3. Your kids will be better off learning early on that their mum isn't a reliable figure in their lives and can't be relied on to have regular or healthy contact. From your previous threads she sounds like a narcissist, just like my son's birth mum. Contact with her is damaging for my son and I really regret the years I spent trying to facilitate their relationship. Driving him 5 hours there and back to her shitty home (his dad didn't drive.) Then waiting for the inevitable phone call after 2-3 days telling us to "come and pick up your little shit". Think the record was 16 hours.

Sorry didn't mean to rant my personal stuff on your thread. But your kids need you to make the hard choices now, if you get what I mean. It would be lovely if they could have a loving relationship with a healthy mum, but they haven't got a healthy mum, they've got an abuser. It's hard for you and you will feel like the bad guy, but don't go out of your way to encourage contact.

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 22:21:28

Thanks I do have good friends. I am 32 and have already lived an interesting life. Most of my friends are now starting to get married. So I am on a different part of the board from them. Because I work full time I don't want to use must of my free time not being with the kids. I love playing with them and value this time together as they grow so fast. This is probably why the OLD idea was a bad idea because I don't have the time. Lots of interest though that was a nice suprise. I am arranging a couple of play dates with friends who have kids.

RandomMess Tue 01-Mar-16 22:23:11

You know I think you just need to accept that there is some grieving still to do. It is sad that your DC are missing out on the family unit, it is sad that you once did love each other so much, it is sad that you still very much loved her the whole time.

Perhaps by letting yourself acknowledge that it is sad and painful it won't eat away at you long term but will end naturally once you're ready. I don't mean wallow it I just mean accept that it is painful rather than bury it.

1DAD2KIDS Tue 01-Mar-16 22:33:11

My experience in life tells me that anger doesn't solve much and no one wins a war without grave loss. Unfortunately I am always ready to take a harder line with her but as long as I can keep things calm and fair then I don't need a harder line. I am trying my best to include her in th kids life's as they need a mother too. Even if she ain't going to win mother of the year award. I am just trying my best to look after everyone's needs. Yes I think my ex turn out to be not a great person. But I just can't see her that way, as the emany. She has had a bad past. I tried to show her love and goodness that I see in the world. But ultimately she could never be happy in her self.

My focus here is to find away to ease my pain and sadness.

RandomMess Tue 01-Mar-16 22:40:50

You know I think it just take time, a long time and sometimes a friend to sit alongside you and listen and acknowledge how much it hurts.

In 4 years time you really won't feel the same and in a decade life will have moved on again.

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