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ExH's new wife and I

(24 Posts)
MagicalHamSandwich Tue 01-Mar-16 18:02:00

I'm still friendly with ExH and have made a real effort at this for a number of reasons - among other things because we're both expats and share a lovely circle of friends that we made when we first moved here (locals and other expats).

However, just about a year after our divorce ExH decided to get married again and brought his new wife here from her country of origin (same place where ExPIL are from, too). The new wife hates my guts (which I don't mind so much) and has started badmouthing me to my friends (which I do mind, thankyouverymuch!).

Apparently she's been going around telling my friends that I'm a career obsessed whore who's only made it to where I am today because I've slept with my boss and that's why I left ExH. I've been told this by two different people.

I reckon part of this is jealousy on her part but I frankly need her to stop regardless of why she does it.

Do I talk to ExH (who, as I said I'm on good terms with) or do I confront her? And what on earth do I say?

Joysmum Tue 01-Mar-16 18:09:21

I'd talk to ex and tell him that thanks to her you have not wish to spend any more time with her and that she's in danger to polluting your good terms with him too.

Tell him that you've done him the courtesy of a heads up because if it doesn't cease, you'll need to confront her and wish to avoid any unpleasentness.

ijustwannadance Tue 01-Mar-16 18:17:07

She obviously feels threatened by your continued friendship with ex and is doing everything in her power to sever those ties.

He will choose her if pushed into a decision which no doubt will happen soon if she carries on.

I would speak to him and explain she is in dange of making your mutual friends dislike her and you don't want her bad mouthing you for no reason unless you did sleep with your boss while married

MoominPie22 Tue 01-Mar-16 18:20:56

I would be livid and wanna sort this bitch out! angry Obv your friends know the truth and their loyalty is to you but why is she behaving like such a daft shite? She´s hardly in the running for Little Miss Popular title now is she?? As if your mates are gonna join in the slating and character bashing with her, how fucking dare she??

Unless it´s tactics cos she´ll know full well it´ll get back to you and she wants you to start something. But as long as it doesn´t get physical I totally think you´re well within your rights to go round there and sort her out! If you lie low and don´t confront her it´ll give her the misplaced satisfaction that she´s intimidated you and she´s the Queen Bee now.

Just go round and ask her what she´s playing at with her bullshit slander?! See what she has to say in her defense ( that´ll be interesting hmm ) and take it from there. Make sure your ex is there to bare witness too. What does he even see in this spiteful sack of shit? confused

MoominPie22 Tue 01-Mar-16 18:23:43

I would bypass your husband, why leave it for him to deal with? Won´t work. Just go straight to her but make sure he´s there so he can hear the full facts and also to hear what she´s really been getting up to, presumably unbeknownst to him.

DoreenLethal Tue 01-Mar-16 18:26:15

I would bypass your husband, why leave it for him to deal with?

Ex husband, as it is his new wife.

OP hows about 'you need to get your wife to wind her neck in before I wind it in for her. Last chance'.

jalopyjane Tue 01-Mar-16 18:32:32

Is there any chance your XH told her those things so she actually believes they're true? I would probably raise it with him not her I think. Might be easier to keep your cool that way! Contrary to some others I think you need to play it calm and reasonable rather than going in all guns blazing. Keep the moral high ground!

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Mar-16 18:33:15

What she's said is legally actionable, as it harms your reputation both as a person and as a professional. I'd invite them both round for tea/out for coffee/whatever and then sweetly let her know that as she's been committing slander, she can either go to the friends she slandered you to, retract her statement and offer her deepest apologies for spreading lies, or you'll see her in court. Then stand up and hurl your latte in her face

Or if you're more pugnacious, you could tell your ex "Put a muzzle on your bitch before she gets put down".

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 01-Mar-16 18:37:02

I get that she feels threatened, and I understand her to some degree. ExH's continued insistence that I was the best thing that ever happened to him arguably doesn't help, although I know what he means by it and it's rational from his perspective and not meant in any romantic sense.

Still hurt by how very ... bitchy she seems about it. Going to e-mail ex and ask him to have a word or I will.

I guess it's hard for her. She has no job and no friends of her own here yet and a husband who's basically a good lad but frankly a bit of a dick as a partner (the real reason why I left him - much to the relief of my boss's lovely wife). She's also had a very conservative upbringing and I guess struggles with the idea of a woman outdoing her husband career wise and having no particular desire to 'look after her man'. Feel a bit sad for her, really. She's stuck in their flat all week while he's away for work. If I were her I'd be desperately unhappy.

Still doesn't give her the right to bitch about me, though.

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 01-Mar-16 18:39:37

Also: ExH is obviously being a dick again by leaving her alone and isolated all week.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 01-Mar-16 18:44:21

I would be livid and wanna sort this bitch out

Or you could take the whole Jeremy Kyle thing down a bit!

I'd email ex and say you'd like to have a chat with them both because obviously you can't have her going around making slanderous accusations about you.

That being said; as PP says, you have no idea what he's told her and truth be told, if he's saying that about you she's obviously not going to he thrilled about your continued relationship with him.

Maybe it's time to back off from him a bit?

Arfarfanarf Tue 01-Mar-16 18:44:45

I would talk to my ex.
Id say can you do me a favour? X has somehow come into possession of some untrue information about me. She has told my friends A and B that..... and she is giving them her view of me based on that.
i dont know where she heard it but as you know, it isnt true. Please let her know that whoever told her that was lying and ask her to please stop repeating that lie because it is damaging me and such lies also damage our daughter.

I realise, OP, that that's quite sly but it allows everyone to save face which is important because what matters here is your daughter.
You arent put in the position of calling your ex's new wife a shit stirrer which means he isnt compelled to defend her.
She cant play the victim with him because you are asduming she has been told a lie.
And if your ex isnt a fool, he will have the measure of her while you remain looking like the nice, trusting, accomodating person.

Arfarfanarf Tue 01-Mar-16 18:47:05

Sorry. I seem to have given you a daughter :D
Replace with sex/number as appropriate. If none just remove. You get the gist :D

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 01-Mar-16 18:51:07

I actually like your approach, arf. Sly but sounds utterly effective.

And, yes, I'm reasonably certain that ExH hasn't told her this. He might not be a great husband but he is insanely good at pushing my buttons. If this were him she'd be spouting shit that actually hurts as opposed to this, which is just silly.

DinosaursRoar Tue 01-Mar-16 18:55:04

I think you need to talk to your ExH - say what 2 different people have told you she's said and you'd rather not confront her, but could he stop this please.

If your exH's new wife is angry and miserable, that's their problem, not yours.

ijustwannadance Tue 01-Mar-16 19:03:44

Or you could go the other way and invite her out for a drink one night while he is away. Not excusing her behaviour at all but maybe she just needs someone to talk too. Once she she's you are no threat to her she might calm down. Just a thought.

Is she actually looking for a job? Sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

ijustwannadance Tue 01-Mar-16 19:04:26


WitchWay Tue 01-Mar-16 19:18:24

This is slanderous - wonder what the police would think

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 01-Mar-16 19:49:07

Going to text him to say let's do after work drinks when he's in town. Will tackle it then.

Would actually love to take her for a drink instead but she doesn't drink, and I need a G&T in one hand and a smoke in the other to project a cool air of nonchalance while I do this and I'm very afraid this might take me from careerist whore to drug addicted careerist whore.

Waltermittythesequel Tue 01-Mar-16 20:01:48

So, you suspect she's jealous and you acknowledge that it's hard for her and he calls you the best thing that's ever happened to him.

And your plan is to ask him for drinks?

jalopyjane Tue 01-Mar-16 20:15:02

I think arfarf's approach is perfect smile

jalopyjane Tue 01-Mar-16 20:16:16

I would call it diplomatic rather than sly grin

Aramynta Wed 02-Mar-16 08:04:55

Blimey OP.

I don't advise this, but in your position I would approach her, but not in an accusatory manner. I would ask for a chat and set her straight; that whoever told her that is being rather creative with their words. I would tell her in a nice, non patronising way that there is nothing to worry about where you and ExH are concerned and tell her that, actually, if she feels isolated she could meet me for a coffee and a chat.

But that's because I am a sap and I know how utterly horrendous isolation can feel. This sort of thing has been successful in one situation and blown up in my face in another.

OurBlanche Wed 02-Mar-16 11:31:56

I would consider Aramynta's plan too. For much the same reason, you have said she is lonely and your ex is a prat for just leaving her to it.

Aramynta's plan gives you an opening sentence and her a way to back track with not much loss of face for either of you.

If she explodes then you can tell your ex to talk to her and set her straight, whilst doing some proper DH style things for her too!

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