Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
(Not) Telling 'friend' about pregnancy.(12 Posts)
I hope its OK to post this in relationships when it is about a friendship. I'm hoping for some opinions or advice, in case I'm planning on doing the wrong thing/being petty.
Background (I've tried to keep brief but am also trying to give balanced story): I was very friendly with a woman, partly because her DH and I have been good friends since we were teens. My friendship with this woman became much closer than it would otherwise have been about five years ago as she was having some significant problems which I was able to help her with. Two years ago I began a relationship with someone she knew through work who I had met through her. I had qualms about doing this as I suspected she would find it difficult (the merging of two social worlds, partic because I had been a source of support to her in the past) but in the end spoke to her about it, went ahead with the relationship, thinking I could manage the situation sensitively and it would be OK.
I thought things were fine but it transpired they weren't. When I realised she was still not happy about it, I talked it out with her, made some changes in order it make it easier (e.g. did not talk about DP to her, did not bring him along to particular social events etc). Many of our mutual friends tried to help here too and tried to provide sympathetic ear. They privately said to me they thought she was overreacting (but I'm aware they may have been trying to make me feel better...) I felt very guilty for causing a problem although this was mixed with a sprinkling of wishing she'd make an effort to accept the situation, if I'm honest.
Fast forward a year or so, and I had become aware that she had been badmouthing my relationship and my OH all over the place, whilst also complaining I was being a poor friend to her and that I wasn't around for her as much as I used to be. I rose above as much as possible as I didn't want to make waves in our wider friendship group nor fall out with her DH.
I am now happily pregnant. Since I have been telling people this lovely news, I have found out that last year, this friend had been telling people that my OH had left his previous gf because she wanted children and he didn't, and that she had missed her chance to have children. (This was a lie and she knew it was a lie). I think she was doing this to turn our mutual friends against the relationship or give her an excuse to bitch about it. This past month it has been really horrible having to deal with friends say (gently, kindly) "and is [OH] ok with the pregnancy?" I'm possibly overreacting but it's really upset me, and I feel sad that my friends have been given false concerns about me and my life.
Now, I just don't want to tell her I'm pregnant at all. I know she'll find out eventually and I expect she'll get in touch to say she's really happy/congrats etc. I feel like if she does, I want to call her out on what she's done and tell her its the last straw for me.... that's petty of me though isn't? I'll just create upset when I could be the bigger person.... but I'm so cross and upset....I'm worried I'm overly hormonal and therefore making bad decisions!
Tell me what to do, please!
SORRY THIS IS A BLOODY ESSAY. Thanks for reading this far
Bloody hell she sounds hard work. You don't have to run your life choices past her. I'd forget the friendship if I were you.
It's very strange that she has such an investment in your relationships, she seems jealous. Either of your relationship with your OH because she has a vested interest in you being exclusively her friend or is she interested in your OH?
Otherwise it is strange. I would leave it and not speak to her about it because it's not her business. She she was genieunely happy for you then it would be different, but do you think she will be?
Let her find out from other sources. I would simply reply to other friends when they ask about whether your OH is 'okay' with that, with "why wouldn't he be? He's always wanted kids." breezy smile
Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!
Oh my word she sounds exhausting.
I don't think I'd of tiptoed around her for this long to be honest. Perhaps at the beginning of your relationship but now you're in a long term committed relationship with a baby on the way, frankly you shouldn't have to be considering her feelings or excluding your DP from social events.
It doesn't seem like she's showing you any consideration but you appear to have made her a third party in your relationship.
I'd stop pandering to her now as you'll not want to bother when the baby is here.
Why is she so against your relationship when she introduced your DP to you?? Did he pip her to the post for a promotion or something?
OP please drop her, she sounds absolutely dreadful. She's spreading lies about you! I don't know why she's doing it but sometimes it's enough just to not like the behaviour and get rid, without knowing the other person's motivations. Hell, even she probably doesn't know why she's doing it!
You sound so nice and she has got it in for you for some reason. Even though the sabotage (which is what it is) won't avail of much, she wants to damage you however she can, even if it's only slightly as she knows she hasn't got much power.
I recently cut contact with one of these types of 'friends'. She was doing the same. Little digs and thoughts planted to do me - and my dc unfortunately - harm. It may come down to jealously. I think that was the problem in my case. And certainly a very troubled person, which your friend might be, but that's no reason to take these individuals' crap forever, or at all. Get out of her 'way'. You've got a lovely, happy time up ahead and you don't want her taking any joy out of it at all. You owe her nothing.
Just re-read your OP. You're not being petty, not at all. I think you, anyone, should be very angry indeed. She is so far out of order. I may have had a glass of wine and I'm angry on your behalf. After all your help and friendship and tiptoeing round her feelings, she treats you like this. What a cowbag she is. Drop like a hot stone. It's very hard though that she's married to your good friend. Do they come as a pair? Can you see him without her? Not an easy situation, I feel for you. No kind deed goes rewarded, eh?
Thank you so much for your replies.
lunar She is hard work! I didn't really notice for ages because she's quite bubbly (you know, not moody, grumpy, usually quite childishly enthusiastic about things) but I certainly feel like life is much easier since I've been distancing myself from her.
cranberry Thank you and thanks for the congratulations! She's not romantically interested in my OH but I do think she was miffed.. she drunkenly said she was jealous that "he likes you more than me". I also think she was possessive over me. I guess the two feelings together are a bad combination.
smallbee I think you're right. I do wish, in hindsight, I'd handled the whole thing very differently and not overcompensated so much.
pocket no idea really. I think she was quite proud of her friendship with my OH and I think felt it was undermined by the fact he wanted an actual relationship with me. I think, in hindsight, that she felt overentitled to my time/capacity as a friend (which I must have let happen). I also increasingly think she's just quite an odd personality, which must have something to do with it!
butemily Thank you. I'm glad you've managed to get rid of your toxic friend (and dragging your DCs in to it? Ugh. Sounds v nasty).
butemily Thanks for second post! I hope you're enjoying the wine. Mmmm wine. I miss wine. I'm not sure if her and DH come as a pair. I could probably see him without her but I'm not sure what he makes of the whole situation (or will make of it, when she realises she is the only one of my friends I haven't told about the pregnancy). He is her husband and he may well want to 'take her side' (bit playground but you know what I mean) if she and I have openly fallen out. I will find out I suppose!
I have found out that last year, this friend had been telling people that my OH had left his previous gf because she wanted children and he didn't, and that she had missed her chance to have children.
Why on earth wasn't she challenged by your partner about this? It's a really horrible thing to say about someone - does he know she's been saying it?
imperial OH knows about it now (I told him when I found out) and although he's angry she has (a) lied and (b) gossiped about his previous relationship, he's more sanguine about it than I am. His perspective is like she's an annoying little fly buzzing around. He's also quite kindly by nature and I think sees her as being younger, immature, and (at work) much less experienced therefore I think he'd feel like a bully picking on a weakling if he were to confront her. Not sure I agree but I understand where he is coming from.
He doesn't have a lot to do with her any more. They don't see each other at work anymore because their department was restructured and they work in different places. She tried to keep up the friendship by asking him to pub etc but he's always brushed her off once he knew she was causing a fuss about the relationship. I think he was quicker than me in terms of thinking she was unreasonable.
She sounds like such a pain in the arse.
I had someone in my life like this once and after she made a very nasty "tough love" comment to me when I'd just come out of a really horrible break-up I remember thinking "Fuck. This."
I backed way off and she's not in my life at all anymore. Frankly, it's a blessed relief.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.