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Very Private Significant Other

(83 Posts)
georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 13:46:41

My boyfriend is very very private, to the extent that it is starting to bother me.

He is very careful about PDA and never gives me more than a peck on the lips in public. He does introduce me as his gf to other people, but is not affectionate in public. In private it's different, he's more affectionate and loving, but I wish he'd show it in front of others. The worst part is if I go to kiss him or touch him he will pull away from me, which everyone else reads as rejection of me (although I know he doesnt feel that way).

He is generally private about his feelings as well. He tends to tell his close female friends more than me, or that's what it feels like. His mother recently went into hospital and he didnt tell me about it for a while. I know there's nothing I can do about that situation but he's pushing me away emotionally when I try to help by cooking him dinner or doing all the chores for him. "there's nothing you can do." is a hurtful phrase he's used. It all stems from his overly private side of him.

If I try to approach these subjects he makes out like I am trying to change him.

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Mar-16 13:50:51

Well, you kind of are trying to change him aren't you? Some people are less open and comfortable sharing their feelings than others. My dh and I are the same as your partner in public-we both feel really uncomfortable with PDAs.

You probably need to talk to Jim about how you feel, and if he can't or won't change you've got a decision to make about whether that's a deal breaker for you.

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Mar-16 13:51:32

How long have you been together? It takes a while for barriers to come down and trust to be built.

Marchate Tue 01-Mar-16 13:59:16

Who are those close female friends?

Slowdecrease Tue 01-Mar-16 14:02:01

Yes how long have you been together?

MatrixReloaded Tue 01-Mar-16 14:07:07

If somebody doesn't like pdas then they just don't. It's neither right or wrong. I'm not keen personally and I'd get quite cross if a partner didn't respect that. What I wouldn't like is him confiding more in his female friends.

Why on earth are you doing all his chores for him ?

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:16:55

Just a year. So I guess maybe it's a time thing, somethings have come out slowly about his family life and childhood, which is lovely to hear. But come on, gimme a smooch now and then!

@Marchate - Don't feed my jealousy! We are dancers and he told his dance partner about his mom going to hospital before me because they were meant to be going for dinner, so he had a reason to make his excuses to her, but waited till I asked about his day to talk to me.

He has very conflicting ideas on PDA. In social situations he'll cuddle up to one of our friends rather than me. because he doesn't like making single people uncomfortable in those situations (totally agree, snogging couples when you're the only single person, sucks). Fair enough, but that feels like rejection towards me.

He puts others above himself all the time. very selfless, and I love that. But to the extent that he doesnt put me first in the interest of making everyone else happy he will make me uncomfortable or left out.

eg: on Chinese New Year, he invited a chinese friend of his to the main family meal (just me him and his mom) because her plans fell through. So he feels bad she will be on her own during the holiday. Did not consider that bringing his bi lingual chinese doctor female friend to a dinner where his white low income GF sits in silence. tore him a new one for that.

Marchate Tue 01-Mar-16 14:17:42

You are cooking and doing chores to make him feel better? Does it occur to you that you are giving and he is taking? Where's the balance?

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:18:19


I'm doing his chores to try and take some pressure off of him when he comes home from hospital visiting his mom. It's very draining for him because he has to act as a translator for her.

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:21:27

Those of you against PDA.

At a party, do you stand next to each other? hold hands at all? talk to each other? touch at all? Do you walk away from your partner, leaving them on their own talking to no one?

Where is your line? I'm just interested from the other side's perspective. If you're a private person, what's okay?

Marchate Tue 01-Mar-16 14:23:28

I sense you are feeling hurt but don't want to sound needy x

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Mar-16 14:40:55

Do you live together?
Stop trying to 'please him' all the time.
He's distant so you go and do your own thing.
This won't change so if you can put up with it then OK but if it's not what YOU want then decide to go out there and find someone who does make you feel love and respected where ever you may be.

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:45:09

We don't live together no.

I love spending time with him though so I am often at his house. (about 4/7 nights a week)

Since we are both very social with the same group of friends, I like to be alone with him as much as possible, because I prefer him when he's affectionate.

Once we leave the house it switches off completely and he abandons me.

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Mar-16 14:46:07

Those of you against PDA.
I'm not against PDAs-they just make me feel uncomfortable. It's totally fine to feel like this, and I really haven't appreciated old boyfriends being pushy about kissing in public as if they're staking their claim to me for all to see.

At a party, do you stand next to each other?
Yes if we're talking to each other.

hold hands at all?

talk to each other?
Yes but not exclusively-it depends on the party.

touch at all?

Do you walk away from your partner, leaving them on their own talking to no one?
If it was just the two of you wouldn't you just go with them?

Where is your line? I'm just interested from the other side's perspective. If you're a private person, what's okay?

There's no line. It is completely personal and different couples will have totally different things that are ok or not. You're looking for a right or wrong where there isn't a definitive answer. You bee to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling and try and work it out between yourselves.

Jan45 Tue 01-Mar-16 14:53:45

Stop pandering to him and expect something in return, he abandons you, rejects your advances and you run about cooking for him, he sounds a man child and you sound like his mother.

Where is the balance, the romance, the gestures, the pride to be seen with you, he sounds weird.

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:56:39

PurpleDaisies He calls it me marking my territory as well! Granted. That is what I'm doing...:P

However, I tend to ramp up the PDA if he openly pushes me away or wont talk to me.

If we stand next to each other just talking at a party, and then I see another woman flirting with him. (He has no idea they are and is not flirting back intentionally) Basically I feel like he should make it clear who he is with.

In more friendly groups it's less of a problem because everyone knows we're together. but like I said, private isnt a problem, Public is.

Good point about it being different for everyone. Lot's of people have said that to me. I'm still trying to find the line.

But beyond PDA, I'd wish he would depend on me emotionally. He just bottles everything.

lulucappuccino Tue 01-Mar-16 14:59:12

What does pda stand for?

georgiatraher Tue 01-Mar-16 14:59:41

Jan45 The balance is in private. He's very romantic, in private, many many gestures, in private.

The pride to be seen with me... Yeah not so much. sad Well, that's how it feels anyway.

just want to be clear, I'm only cooking and cleaning for him more atm because his mum is in hospital and he's been coming home late and leaving early to see her, and is starting a new job today!! He's stressed, I'm trying to help out.

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Mar-16 15:00:15

However, I tend to ramp up the PDA if he openly pushes me away or wont talk to me.

I'm sorry but having been on the other end of that, it really isn't a nice thing to do and I suggest you stop it immediately. It won't make him feel more comfortable being affectionate in public-if anything it will have the opposite effect.

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Mar-16 15:00:42

Public display of affection lulu

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Mar-16 15:00:54

Public Displays of Affection

pocketsaviour Tue 01-Mar-16 15:01:46

So he is of Chinese heritage? Is this a case of culture clash?

However, I really couldn't be doing with him ignoring me then cuddling up with other friends confused That would look to me like he was ashamed to be with you in public.

lulucappuccino Tue 01-Mar-16 15:02:30

Ah. No, I don't go in for pda then. Makes me cringe when others snog or seem joined at the palms.

MatrixReloaded Tue 01-Mar-16 15:04:00

Hang on a minuite , he objects to pdas with you , but he will cuddle up to one of your friends in public so they don't feel uncomfortable ?

I wouldn't put up with it. It's not the actions of a selfless person.

lougle Tue 01-Mar-16 15:07:42

I'm getting a bit claustrophobic just reading your posts. You are trying to force him to change his personality. You either have to accept who he is (and possibly realise that who he is isn't compatible with you) or let him go.

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