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Should I be more vocal with my thoughts on her relationship?

(15 Posts)
HollowYourFart Mon 29-Feb-16 12:42:30

My friend has been with her partner for about 3 years. They live together and get on brilliantly some times and seem to have similar outlooks on life / sense of humor etc. They could have it all....and yet.....

He is lazy and does nothing in the house unless she nags at him, he spends money like water on clothes, games etc and she has previously caught him flirting with other girls on facebook & via text messages. She's not perfect either of course, but would never contemplate being unfaithful and works much harder than him both at work, doing housework, decorating, etc.

They haven't been getting on well for a couple of months and she has had suspicions that he has been messaging & flirting with a particular girl. She confronted him and asked him if he had anything to tell her, but he denied any wrong doing. She moved out to give them space and they put on a counselling appointment. Now she has discovered that since she moved out, he has spent the night with the very girl she had suspicions about.

She is more angry than upset. Doesn't know if she wants to leave him or whether there is anything worth saving. She is nearing 40 and wants to have kids and thought she'd met the guy this would all happen with. I am trying to remain on the fence and let her make all her own decisions, but it is really hard when she asks me what I would do.

Am I being a good friend by trying to stay out of it and just provide a non-judgemental listening ear? Or would I be better giving her my honest opinion that he has a lazy fucker who would be a crap father anyway and would probably cheat on her again.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Feb-16 12:44:04

Oh tell her! She doesn't have time to waste on idiots like that.

TwoMag314s Mon 29-Feb-16 12:47:54

I would tell her that you know he's disappointed her and that if she needs support you'll be there. I know a woman like this and in the end they did get married but his faffing around for ten years cost her her chance to have dc. She probably knows she's missed her chance to have children. She must secretly half hate him already

Treetop12 Mon 29-Feb-16 12:48:50

Tell her!

I wish people had told me sooner. My mum even kept her nose out for a long time. but it got to the point where they couldn't keep their opinions to themselves anymore, as they could see I was unhappy.

Definitely tell her, but just do it tactfully and in the way that you would like to be told something like that.

I don't think bad mouthing him is a good idea, but there are definitely ways to approach it. xxx

LastOneDancing Mon 29-Feb-16 12:52:06

Tell her what you would do!

She needs guidance - maybe she even needs to hear that he IS a fuck wit, woild ge a crap dad and she is totally reasonable to want to end it!

You don't have to be as blunt as that in case they get back together though...

goldenlilliesdaffodillies Mon 29-Feb-16 13:05:34

Having been in this situation with a friend I wouldn't. My friend and her then DH would constantly fight and argue but then would make up and be all lovey again. Friend at these times just thought I was being horrible about her DH as she would forget all the awful abusive things he had done to her (including him continually hitting her when he was drunk and she was pregnant). Our 20 year friendship didn't last due to me (and several other friends) telling her how badly he was treating her. She did work it out herself eventually and left him, but it cost friendships as she wouldn't listen to people who could see how abusive her DH was.

Just be a sympathetic listening ear and be there to support her if it all goes horribly wrong.

SonjasSister Mon 29-Feb-16 13:20:48

Ask her questions to help her think about it: is he likely to change? Do you think he's trustworthy? Might he do it again? How would that make her feel? Can she see him stepping up and pulling his weight if dc/ill-health/redundancy meant she needed him?

Though it sounds like the relationship may be over anyway? In which case still ask her the questions to help her come to terms with her narrow escape

AnyFucker Mon 29-Feb-16 13:22:10

she has asked you a direct question, show her some respect and give her a direct honest answer

TheNaze73 Mon 29-Feb-16 13:23:42

Tell her once & leave it. If they split up you'll be told your interfering & if they sort it out, you'll be told you'll interfering. I'm sure she knows anyway

LittleLegs25 Mon 29-Feb-16 13:26:02

Tell her, she needs your honest opinion and you could be saving her from further hurt!

Treetop12 Mon 29-Feb-16 13:32:14

I'm sure she already knows the truth, and she will also know how you feel about it all. the reason she is asking is because she wants to hear it from you.

My mum and my friends finally telling me how they felt was the wake up call I needed.

suspiciousofgoldfish Mon 29-Feb-16 13:43:23

Ooh tricky one!! I would find it really difficult to keep my opinions to myself though if it were me.

Tell her everything you have told us - succinctly and concisely (perhaps have cue cards ready) so she cannot possibly misunderstand you.

Tell her the facts and tell her once. She can't then come back to you when this all goes tits up ( as it sounds like it will) in a year or so.

I don't know if you have kids, but let me tell you one thing that you should include in your presentation to her -

Having children to save a relationship or because you think you are on a time constraint is a terrible idea if your partner is useless. Your life will be (I promise you this) a never ending struggle of drudgery and resentment.
Your crap partner will become even crapper and top it all off by shagging someone else because "you don't understand him/always nag him/don't pay him any attention".
You will be miserable.

(Maybe use bullet points - I have a waffling problem).

Then go and let down the tyres on her Bfs car.

category12 Mon 29-Feb-16 13:44:28

Tell her what you think. She needs it.

nicenewdusters Mon 29-Feb-16 14:07:30

Tell her what you would do, and why you would do it. It'll amount to you telling her what you think about him indirectly, but should do the same job. If she's still intent on having his baby as a last chance saloon, then tell her to read the threads on her by other women who did just that.

HollowYourFart Mon 29-Feb-16 16:36:03

Thanks for the advice. I like the idea of asking her questions to make her think about it more...especially with scenarios about if he would help out if they had kids....and how she would feel if she was stuck at home with a new baby & he was out god knows where.

She seems to be going round in circles. Think I need to be tactfully honest with her and just hope that they don't get back together.

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