Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Any happy endings of time apart making you realise how much you want to be with someone?

(5 Posts)
openthemanual Mon 29-Feb-16 12:38:02

Hello everyone.

I was dating someone for a few months but it was just off timing for a lot of reasons.

For one thing, he had never really had a relationship with anyone except one person before and he was in a place in his head that he had missed out on his youth and wasn't looking to get tied down. Not in the sense that he wanted to sleep with lots of people but more in the sense that he was enjoying attention from multiple people and having open options.

To make things worse, his long lost ex who he'd moped over for years had popped back on the scene right at the time of our third date and while he didn't want her back I do feel he was enjoying the fact that she wanted him back because he did not tell her to just go away.

Suffice to say, this dynamic was not creating a great environment for a new relationship to blossom because we weren't on the same page.

All of that aside, I do feel like we were perfect for each other and I think deep down he felt that too. He did show this in many ways that I can't easily describe in a paragraph. My gut feeling was that we were falling in love and were deeply attached to each other but the timing was way off as he'd not been looking for a proper girlfriend.

I did discuss it with him and he was quite honest. He said he'd not felt about anyone before the way he did about me (including his ex) but that he'd come into it with me with a long term future off the table so it was strange for him as he'd not expected it.

He admitted that he felt very strongly, and was upset at the thought of us breaking up but that deep down he felt not ready to be a boyfriend and he also listed various practical blocks that were largely very silly in nature (such as us both woning a house and where would be live etc) and it seemed to me like he was looking far too far into the future and worrying too much instead of just enjoying the wonderful thing that was happenning between us. He said he was quite scared of ever being hurt again as much as he was before.

I was all right with taking things slow and being patient, but I wasn't going to continue dating somene who was saying a future was off the table and worse, was still keeping their options open on Tinder and playing out some past unresolved drama with their ex.

So....I ended the relationship and told him I wanted someone who was all in or all out. He was sad but said he understood. I have gone completely NC and I am genuinely going to be smart and use the time to enjoy life, move on and see other people and not sit there just hoping he realises what he lost and comes back.....

But at the same time, God I hope he comes back!

I've been very depressed to hear he has been on a date or two with someone else. She looks awfully pretty too sad

I know I did the right thing for me, and I know there's a very big chance that I never see him again but I was just wondering if anyone could give me a little comfort in my heart to believe that if he does feel the way about me as I do about him that eventually he will realise this and come back?

Has anyone ever had that happen?

It's only been a couple of weeks, and I promise I am not going to sit there hoping for a miracle, but it would give me so much more of a positive mindset if I felt that sometimes these situations to work out so I would know that if it were meant for me it will come to me.

FredaMayor Mon 29-Feb-16 15:30:11

OP, if this guy was keen on you this would all have gone more simply. You're asking for people to tell you it will all be ok, but if you hang your happiness on some rather flaky guy there won't be a happy ending.

Instead ask how to go about finding a relationship that is right for you.

velourvoyageur Mon 29-Feb-16 15:46:34

OP I'm really sorry, it sounds really tough and you've done so very well to make this decision. But if I'm totally honest, I think your having gone NC will only help you if you compound it by starting to face the fact that this may well be it for you guys. Maybe it'll help to consider that it won't be instantaneous, it'll be hard for a while & it does take work, so if it's hard from day to day it doesn't mean you've failed but just that the process is still in motion, your subconscious is working all sorts of things out while you distract yourself & work on moving on. I honestly think this mindset will make you feel better. Trying to keep slivers of hope alive might raise your spirits for a day but in the long run I don't think it's helpful or healthy. I guess I'm talking about closure? I'm just going on personal experience - I tend to get quite obsessive if I'm not strict with myself. Switching off my phone, making plans with friends I don't see often, switching off wifi, anything to distract.....we've all been there.

I'm so sorry though, I wish I could give you a big hug, it's not a nice situation at all. There is no easy way.

I did just have a very short break (just one week) with someone I'm seeing atm, where I removed myself mentally/physically from our shared space, and yes, we have grown closer since I came back, it's brought things into focus. However we did this break with the expectation that we would try to work things out when I came back, and we have been talking (and hitting yet more snags!) But it's impossible to judge in your particular case and so I would say the best thing is to make a clean break, really.
all the best smile

velourvoyageur Mon 29-Feb-16 15:48:23

instantaneous? is that a word? hmm instantatious? no...

anyway, Freda said it much more succinctly than I did!
you deserve someone who's not flaky and who puts in the effort.

velourvoyageur Mon 29-Feb-16 15:51:56

Oh and I always find it a bit comforting to think that, if you're reacting with hurt/pain/anger to something unpleasant that's just happened, it's actually a good thing, because you're being productive and you need to go through that to come to terms with it. It's not like you have an emotional reaction, that goes away, caesura, and then a nice calm coming to terms process starts, the two are causal IMHO, the latter is a result of the former. So even if you feel like shit and it's really frustrating to feel like that, it's not lost time. You're doing good work smile
Short term shitty periods in my life have often been very beneficial for me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now