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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Affair produced child and 10 years of deceit

96 replies

Cocodog1234567 · 28/02/2016 23:34

Hi all totally new to this but need to know if anyone been in my position. Found out 2 weeks ago partner of 18 years has a son with woman he had a short affair with the son is 10 years old. We have son who is 16. OH never told me she did. He finished affair but has had some contact with son behind my back. What can I do?? He says still loves and wants to be with me so confused !! Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

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IamlovedbyG · 28/02/2016 23:47

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Cocodog1234567 · 28/02/2016 23:50

He has had limited contact, but paid maintenance. He said thought he could bury it and was trying to protect us

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/02/2016 23:51

What can you do?

Either end this charade or brush it all under the carpet and pretend it doesn't matter. I can't see a third choice.

VimFuego101 · 28/02/2016 23:53

Can you cope with him continuing contact with his son?

IamlovedbyG · 28/02/2016 23:55

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Cocodog1234567 · 28/02/2016 23:57

His contact has been limited he hasn't seen him for 2 years. He said he won't see him again if I don't want him to. I haven't responded to that. He keeps saying it was a big mistake and he was in a bad place at the time. He told the girl he had partner and child and would never leave us but she went ahead with pregnancy and has been blackmailing him ever sincr

OP posts:

TheVeganVagina · 28/02/2016 23:57

What a huge shock for you. My first thought is for this innocent 10 year old boy. Its nos your choice where you want to go from here. If i was in yout situation i would be envouraging my partner to step up as a father to his child. But I couldn't stay after that level of deceit.

DancingDinosaur · 28/02/2016 23:57

How did you find out op?

TheVeganVagina · 28/02/2016 23:59

Dont blame the ow for continuing with her pregnancy. This is ALL your dp doing. Would you really stop him from seeing his son?

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 00:02

No I wouldn't stop him at all. The problem is we have had a really good relationship for the last say 8 years and really do love each other

OP posts:

IamlovedbyG · 29/02/2016 00:05

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sleeponeday · 29/02/2016 00:15

How did you find out?

BerylStreep · 29/02/2016 00:19

He's been lying for 10 years. That's a biggie.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/02/2016 00:19

He loves you and wants to stay with you while the dreadful ex-lover has been blackmailing him for the last ten years. Poor lamb.

He's perpetrated the most vile betrayal and he's the wounded party in all this? Bollocks to that!

Tell him you want him to leave for a bit while you have a good think about what you want.

HeddaGarbled · 29/02/2016 00:24

She wasn't blackmailing him. She was claiming legitimate child support.

He wasn't protecting you. He was protecting himself.

This has been a massive shock for you. Don't make any decisions while you are still reeling.

I think you need a bit of time away from him right now. Can you ask him to move out and give you a bit of space? Or if he won't, is there anywhere you can go?

Not just friends by Shirley Glass is a good read for helping you deal with the aftermath of an affair. Also maybe look at some counselling to process your feelings - not couples counselling yet, it's too new and raw to be moving to fixes just yet. You are going to need some time to get through your anger and hurt before you can deal with that.

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 00:24

I found out through her she contacted me. Yes I need some space the more time goes past though I really don't think I can be with him x

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/02/2016 00:30

So he didn't even come clean himself.

what would you say to a friend who told you this was happening to her?

ChickyChickyParmParm · 29/02/2016 00:33

I don't think I'd be able to get past that. The life you've lived together was a lie. And he's willing to stop contact with his son on your say so? What a prize.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/02/2016 00:35

Huge shock and massively sorry for you, betrayal is horrific been there in spades, however, my first thought is the poor kid who didn't ask to be born, who he hasn't seen for TWO YEARS? What a feckin' mess...

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 00:36

I have moved out and I am thinking about what to do heart say stay head says move on. Problem is we have a child together and a lot of history and love

OP posts:

DancingDinosaur · 29/02/2016 00:37

So he didn't even tell you himself. And he wouldn't have done either. Personally, someone who was prepared to deceive me to that extent wouldn't be getting another chance. This is huge. How could you ever get back from this place? Its one thing if he'd fessed up years ago. But this? No way.

DancingDinosaur · 29/02/2016 00:38

And he's willing to stop contact with his son on your say so? What a prize.

Oh yeah, and this too. The man is an absolute arse.

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TheFormidableMrsC · 29/02/2016 00:48

I really really feel for you OP, this is MASSIVE...if it were me? I'd move on. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who neglected his own flesh and blood to that extent...yes I get the "problem" of having a child together totally, I imagine the OW feels much the same. He hasn't been honest at all.

LeaLeander · 29/02/2016 01:29

Whether you stay or leave, he must do his duty and try to provide that child with a father. Jesus. Poor kid.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 29/02/2016 04:34

The fact that he's allowing you to dictate if he has a relationship with his own son is so fucked up OP. Move on. This is betrayal of everyone around him utterly. Everyone. Don't stay with a knob.

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