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Relationships

What should I do about this situation because he has a partner?

44 replies

VanillaSue · 28/02/2016 19:01

I know I will probably get flamed a bit, and I know I am in the wrong before I start but I want to be honest and get some advice.

I started online dating talking to a man around 14 months ago. At the time he had been on 2 dates with someone else of OLD and I was in the same situation so we just sort of had a friendly chat and got on really well.

We were both not the multi-dating types so we decided we would "see how things went" with our first dates and would meet up if nothing came of it.

Fast forward around a month, and both of our new "relationships" were a bit rocky. Mine ended up going on for four months but wasn't a happy situation and in his case he thought she had ghosted him a couple of times when she went AWOL for a week once or twice.

Still, both of us were the loyal type (sorry if that sounds ironic) so while we carried on chatting - including long phone chats and talking about our lives; both of us were pretty sure our new "relationships" at that stage would come to nothing.

After a month or so, I decided I wanted to try and make thing more serious with the man I was seeing so cut off communication with the online dating guy. He agreed and we both went off and concentrated on our respective relationships.

Every few weeks or so we would check in, and as things progressed over the course of a year his relationship blossomed into a long term committed relationship and mine fell apart.

He would always call to check in on me, I had a fair bit of bad luck and two of the three men I dated last year cheated and me and weren't nice and he was supportive and told me how great I was.

After a while, he confessed to me that although we had never met, he felt a very powerful attraction to me and thought about me all the time /fantasised about me and then he listed all the things he loved about me and who I was in a very touching way. He said he felt confused as he felt he might have feelings for me and it was making him feel torn so at that point we decided to delete each other's numbers our of respect for his partner.

So we deletetd numbers completely and we did not know last names. I knew where he worked and the town he lived in and he didn't know much about me at all so I expected I would never hear from him again but that felt quite correct at the time.

A few months passed and out of the blue I got a message from him. He confessed he'd been unable to forget about me so he had played detective to find my place of work and get my phone number. He said he was still in the relationship but just could not shake his thoughts of me.

So we started to talk again, and now we speak on the phone and yes, it is flirty and yes we discuss meeting and that we have feelings for each other and this has been going on for two weeks now and I feel horrible and know he does too.

The question is what to do about it.

We have never met, although we have video chatted and become very close emotionally over this time so it could be that the "feelings" we feel are complete fantasy.

So the only way to know is to meet, yet meeting feels extremely wrong and unethical. So I am not sure what to do. He is worried that we will end up married to the wrong people because we never took a chance and met - and I agree it seems mad to never know- but at the same time meeting feels very wrong and a lot like cheating (as does us even speaking).

So what should I do? Cut off all communication or is there another logical and ethical way to deal with it?

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Katenka · 28/02/2016 19:04

Tell him it's over and block his number.

He found where you worked without your last name?

He has a partner and isn't above having emotional affairs with people he doesn't know. Do you honestly think you are the only one?

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RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 28/02/2016 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/02/2016 19:09

He is worried that we will end up married to the wrong people because we never took a chance and met

Christ. What a bloody victim. Is he honestly saying he would propose to someone he thought was the "wrong" person?

Darling, he's trying to make this all romantic. The long and short of it however is that he'd quite like to meet up with you for a shag and keep this other woman on the back burner.

If you think you're with the wrong person, you dump them before you start exploring new relationships. If you don't do that, you're not a very nice person. AND, if he dies it this woman, he'll do it to you. I would only meet up with him if you're happy to come back here in three years time saying you have a two year old, are 36 weeks pregnant and Ol' Mr Romance has fucked off with someone else because he's a bit worried you might not be the right person

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elQuintoConyo · 28/02/2016 19:11

Sounds like a dickhead. Block and move on. I'd have nothing to do with him.

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roundmyway · 28/02/2016 19:12

Block him !
What a bellend.
Also finding your work / your number is creepy as fuck!!!!!!!!!

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VanillaSue · 28/02/2016 19:13

I don't think he wants to met up for shag, no. In the early days he could have easily done that and he chose not to.

Do you think then that whether she is right or wrong he should decide independent of this having anything to do with me?

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Winter3005 · 28/02/2016 19:13

If he really wanted to be with you, he'd had ended it with his GF. The fact he hasn't just shows he wants his cake and to eat it too.
I would steer clear of him, infact I'd cut all communication with him.

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QuiteLikely5 · 28/02/2016 19:22

If he can do this to her he could do this to you.

Do you really think after all this time he's suddenly had a revelation about you? Or you him?

Yous had a chance and yous didn't take it!

Let this one go and you are quite right in thinking that you two being in touch is very unethical!

Don't lose your morals for this man.

I'm 100% certain that if he wanted you he would have dumped his gf and courted you.

I suspect you're in his nearly category but don't quite make his grade for a long term relationship.

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ladylambkin · 28/02/2016 19:25

I agree with the others he is not a good catch at all. You can't have feelings for someone you have have never met and the disrespect he is showing his girlfriend should tell you everything you need to know about this man

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VanillaSue · 28/02/2016 19:33

Wouldn't you have to be mad to leave a long term relationship for someone you haven't met?

That's the part I find confusing.

I do wish we had just met a year ago when things weren't serious so we could have known!

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/02/2016 19:36

Wouldn't you have to be mad to leave a long term relationship for someone you haven't met?

If you are not happy in your relationship, you should either work it OR split up. ALL of this should be done independent of sniffing around your next "victim"

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Katenka · 28/02/2016 19:39

Wouldn't you have to be mad to leave a long term relationship for someone you haven't met?

Urm no. If you suspect you don't want to be with your partner you leave.

Would you want to be her? Her dp is just with her just incase it doesn't work out with you?

You are both just an option.

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Magpie18 · 28/02/2016 19:39

Sounds very much like he's hedging his bets! If he can be so underhanded with his current partner, he could do the same to you.

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Aussiebean · 28/02/2016 19:39

If you are THAT tempted by someone you haven't met, then your long term relationship isn't worth much.

He should 'do the right thing' and either end it with her because he doubts she is the one. Thus freeing her to fine her one, or ending it with you.

As he is doing neither, he doesn't sound like a decent man.

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roundmyway · 28/02/2016 19:44

He's keeping you on ice love !

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MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/02/2016 19:49

You'd be mad to stay in a relationship if you were attracted to someone else!!

And It's not a long-term relationship, it's been 14 months. It's not like they've been married 10 years with a brood of children - so fairly easy to leave.

So why he's not left is fairly obvious - he wants his cake and to eat it. This tells you all you need to know about this guy.

(To mention the possibility of marriage etc is especially clever of him though!! Implying you and he are some great romance. Only not great enough for him to leave his girlfriend for!)

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VanillaSue · 28/02/2016 20:13

I'm not meaning to sound naive beyond belief, but if he was some bellend looking for his cake and eat it would he not do any one of a number of things such as:

  1. Not cut off communication with me and suggest we delete numbers
  2. Ask to meet me / have a date at the same time as her (even in early days)
  3. Ask to see me now as "friends" to try and get a shag


You know, I mean, if he'd been doing any of those things I'd think he was a bellend but it seems to me that he is geniunely just curious about this woman he almost had a maybe feels there is something threre that might be something?

I do accept he's a man and it might just be physical attraction at work but for 99% of the conversations we have he seems to just be a good person that is quite supportive of me and gives good advice.
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HarmonicaJones · 28/02/2016 20:16

Maybe he is just a needy fucker who always has to have another woman on the go feeding his fragile ego? There are plenty of those about, and they are far worse than the shaggers...

If he was a god guy, he wouldn't be doing this. Bottom line.

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HarmonicaJones · 28/02/2016 20:16

*good

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MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/02/2016 20:48

He's in a newish relationship.

Yet he is attracted to another woman. Quite strongly attracted. The feeling is mutual. They are flirting.

So why doesn't he just finish with his girlfriend?!

Regardless of what does or doesn't happen with you, why would he stay in that relationship when his eye is wandering after only 14 months?!

If he'd been married for years I could understand it. But 14 months is no time! He doesn't need to do the 'what ifs'! He can just leave. Then he is free to see other people.

But he stays with her whilst flirting with you. He's saying, 'I'm comfy with her but I fancy something else too.'

He flirts with you whilst staying with her. He is saying, 'you're good but not good enough to leave for.'

So yes he does want his cake and to eat it too, if he can. Otherwise he'd leave his cake and free himself up to be with you!

His hand-wringing is ridiculous.

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cbigs · 28/02/2016 20:57

I really feel for you op you've had a rough time all along in the background is this potential good guy who seems to really care etc . It might be something or in real life it might not work ( I've been there) but to find out you need to tell him to leave his partner or leave you alone. It really is that simple . Balls in his court. ( and yours to tell him so!)

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Aussiebean · 28/02/2016 21:09

He may have suggested you delete numbers but he sure found away to get in touch. (That's if he deleted it in the first place) (and if he did delete the number, he sure went to a lot of effort to find you again. Scarily so)

He didn't arrange a date in the early days because you were/are a back up. Wanting to see how it turned out with the gf, before moving on to you. You are still the back up by the way.

If you are his friend, does she know about you? Is he going to arrange a little get together where you all meet? Or are you his secret?

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SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 21:31

If you think you're with the wrong person, you dump them before you start exploring new relationships. If you don't do that, you're not a very nice person. AND, if he dies it this woman, he'll do it to you. I would only meet up with him if you're happy to come back here in three years time saying you have a two year old, are 36 weeks pregnant and Ol' Mr Romance has fucked off with someone else because he's a bit worried you might not be the right person

Oh yes. One of the guys I was seeing said this on dating site: cheating is sometimes understandable but it is an indication you are not dating the right person.

Umm no, as the above poster said, you DUMP someone if you have doubts and explore all you want.

I got burned by it and I found out he had cheated on every bloody GF he had EVER had. I think he cheated with me when he had a gf then when they split up, (i dont know for sure though) then he went out with me but then lined someone up before he dropped me.

You are probably one of many he is talking to. If you get this prize, dont be surprised when you find texts from other women on this phone.

Jesus, I have never knowingly been with a man who has a gf. I couldnt exchange sweet nothings with a man KNOWING he was going home to give the same sweet nothings to his gf and fuck her too. Ewwww.

Just block him.

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SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 21:40

Maybe he is just a needy fucker who always has to have another woman on the go feeding his fragile ego? There are plenty of those about, and they are far worse than the shaggers...

Oh yeah I met one of those. Same guy I mention above.

He always needs to be with someone and have someone on the side.

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teaandcakeat8 · 28/02/2016 21:49

Sounds like he's hedging his bets here, maybe his relationship is not so fun and exciting now and he's after his kicks elsewhere... Seriously if he really wanted to be with you, he would leave her.

Also I can't believe you are getting so hung up on him and you've never met! How can you be sure there will be this chemistry when you meet? And no, I don't think video chat is the same at all.

It sounds like hes getting his kicks from some fantasy with you and as long as you come running (which you have done every time so far) then no, he probably won't stop.

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