Verbally Abusive Husband

[plumdriver]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years now and have 2 DC. When we first met I thought he was the nicest person I'd ever met, really kind, caring and sweet with loads to talk about. I never thought I'd be writing this about him. Over the last couple of years whenever we have arguments or I disagree with him he is verbally abusive and shouts at me, calls me names like moron, fucking idiot, stupid. He punches doors tells me to shut up, fuck off sometimes in front of DC. I have spoken to him about it and said not acceptable. This culminated in last week he screamed at me when I was holding the baby and kicked a door. I just walked away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I then spone to him and said if he continues to speak to me in that way I will leave him, he is disrespectful and abusive. He was full of excuses I wind him up, stressed about work and I just said it's not acceptable or my fault this is all about him and suggested counselling which he said he might go to but hasn't done anything about.

I'm just not sure what to do. On top of this he is really quite boring, has no friends, social life or interests so it generally feels like we have nothing to talk about apart from DC and us. This bothers me as I am outgoing and love to socialise ( I do seperate from him mostly) Sometimes I get the feeling we should split and I'd be better off on my own and would even meet someone more fun someday but I still love him and he's a hands on dad and does his fair share of cleaning and cooking and I know he can be nicer than this so maybe I should wait it out if he goes for counselling ? I said I'd go too.

[Lostandlonely1979]

Sounding very familiar, although your OH sounds far worse and not willing to take any real responsibility. And if the wonderful advice I've had is any indicator, you need to get away ASAP.

He sounds highly dangerous and toxic and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[DoreenLethal]

He doesn't sound kind caring and sweet right about now OP.

You know that abusers just pretend to be kind caring and sweet to get into relationships, don't you? Otherwise they would never get anyone to abuse.

[plumdriver]

Yes I do. After we'd been together a couple of years he started ignoring me when I disagreed with him or we argued but now it's progressed to this.

[Marchate]

No to joint counselling. Absolutely No. Look for the current thread about Relate

He's following the Abuser's Script - they all do. A little bit of sweetness in between to disguise the bitter truth

[plumdriver]

Ok. I think it's since we had the children, that seems to have changed me in his eyes. Less respect.

[MoominPie22]

I wouldn´t wait around tbh. It´s no good just focusing on the good bits and sweeping the rest under the carpet. If he really accepted responsibility and admitted he was in the wrong then 1) He wouldn´t have even made BS excuses to begin with i.e, saying you wind him up ( so it´s your fault clearly ) and blaming work stress 2) He would actually sort out some counselling asap cos he would acknowledge his behaviour is bang out of order and hurtful to you and damaging to the kids.

So atm I´m pretty doubtful that he will change cos he doesn´t see his behaviour as wrong or abusive. This is a HUGE red flag. I notice you didn´t say he was full of remorse and apologised profusely!

Please don´t put yourself and kids in the firing line any longer by staying and hoping he´ll change. If anyone screamed abuse in my face whilst holding my daughter I´d bloody well leave no problem! You are not this arseholes verbal punchbag. That is not what you signed up for! It´s despicable and very very worrying. If he can´t handle his stress like a normal, rational adult ( stress is an excuse anyway obv ) then how dare he think he can come home and take his temper out on you, whilst believeing there will be no consequences to his behaviour. The longer you stay with him the more you are giving him permission to carry on treating you like shit!

You don´t call someone you love awful names, even in temper. This is abuse, pure and simple. But he will never ever admit that. Do you have family you can go and stay with, as this will be the quickest way to get away from him? Then you can get legal advice without having to worry about a repeat performance. And there always will be a rpt performance I can guarantee it.

[DoreenLethal]

I think it's since we had the children, that seems to have changed me in his eyes. Less respect.

It is nothing to do with less respect. It is everything to do with less ability to walk out the door.

[plumdriver]

He hasn't once said sorry. Family live a distance away

[80schild]

There is a reason he doesn't have many friends.

[MoominPie22]

Please ring Womens´ Aid for advice. Do you feel scared of him or physically threatened? Do you have any friends nearby who can support you or who know what you´re going through?

[plumdriver]

No not scared. My best friend lives in the same town and she knows bits but not all. I did feel a bit threatened when he was screaming but in a way I wanted him to, then I'd have a concrete reason to leave him. He's being ok just now I'm not in any danger and I'd want him to leave, not me. I wouldn't want to disrupt the DC any more than I have to.

[plumdriver]

I know what I need to do but my heart breaks for the DC

[Heatherjayne1972]

I've been there and believe me it won't stop at swearing and wall punching.
Please go see Womens aid they're really helpful

[KERALA1]

I had a verbally abusive boyfriend for 3 years. But at least he was charming and fun. But when drunk would "turn" and say the most awful things really aggressively. He used to call them "arguments" - one sided verbal onslaughts more like. Knew I needed to end it when I was relieved one of his friends was staying the night after a night out so he was around to help me deal with my ex when he got aggressive.

I get chills thinking it about it now. Thank fuck I dumped him and met DH. I don't think you have any choice but to end it really.

[plumdriver]

Can't believe I got it so wrong.

[Heatherjayne1972]

I feel that way. But we have to tell ourselves that it's not us One thing the women's aid people made me see is that I ( and you) are not responsible for how our men react. They are 100% responsible for all their own words and actions.
My husband has blamed me totally for his violence/ abuse / manipulation etc. Saying I 'deserve' everything he's done - I don't

[Costacoffeeplease]

Does your heart not break for the children witnessing this shit?

[MoominPie22]

I totally understand cos it´s easy for a bunch of strangers who aren´t emotionally involved to dictate what to do right? Although others who have been in similar positions have posted on here, and elsewhere, and I can honestly say I have never read a post by a woman who left her abusive twat OH and regretted it. I mean, seriously, how many women post on MN saying ¨I really wish I hadn´t left my emotionally/financially/physically abusive bastard of a husband. I´m so fucking depressed now I´ve left him and am no longer getting hit, controlled, called names, screamed at etc etc and my kids really are missing the atmosphere of the environment in which we were living.....!¨ Said nobody ever!!

If you wanna leave then you will find a way, cos one thing´s for certain, nothing will change for the better as long as you stay. He´s hardly likely to wake up one morning and have a Eureka-style epiphany whereby it dawns on him he is an abusive turd and wants to repent his sins!

BTW when I say leave, I totally get that he should be the one to leave. But what if he won´t? And he´s getting in your face again and you feel threatened? I hope you´ve got somewhere to go if the shit hits the fan, just temporarily. Yes the kids most def should be able to stay in their home. I´m just worried he´ll get nasty, esp if you tell him you want him to leave. At that point you are high risk. You need a safe place to bolt to incase he turns nastier once he´s made aware that you wanna split. This could so easily escalate.

[plumdriver]

Yes but they adore him just now. I don't want them to grow up and think less of me for staying though

[Costacoffeeplease]

I'm sure they will think less of you for staying - and teaching them that that's how relationships work, setting them up to repeat the pattern. There aren't any good points to staying really

[plumdriver]

I could go to my friend's house. I get what you mean about nobody regretting it. I'd be releived not having to deal with him any more

[marzipanmaggie]

OP: I was in a very similar situation to you a year ago -- my ex was, like your H, as sweet as they come until we had a child together and he morphed overnight into a lazy, entitled, verbally abusive drunk who constantly got at me about the quality of my housework and parenting while spending most of his free time and disposable income boozing with friends, and stopped contributing to the household kitty.

Like you, the reason I didn't leave until my DD was 4 was the fear of breaking her heart. I can tell you now that nearly a year on she is absolutely fine. She sees him most days, he's a good dad to her, she isn't bothered at all about the state of our marriage or our living arrangements as long as she gets to spend quality time with both of us. We still bicker a lot and he is capable of being an utter arse to me, but we are civil and even friendly around her and do things together sometimes and she has totally accepted what has happened. Life is not perfect but its a lot better than it was before we split.

As long as its done with tact, care and mutual respect, children can handle their parents separating. What they can't handle is their parents living together in a toxic marriage.

I don't know what your H would do if you left him. I've been relatively lucky in that I got to remain in my home and my H has been more or less co-operative on this front and has been prepared to maintain a good and close relationship with his daughter. I don't know if yours would be the same.

But this man's behaviour is not acceptable and moreover the more of it your children witness the more they are likely to internalise it as an example of how a marriage "should" be. You know you need to get out. Don't use your children as a reason to put yourself through more of this.

[plumdriver]

I think if I left him he'd feel sorry for himself and act the injured innocent party like he didn't know why

I just hate the thought of DC being upset

[plumdriver]

Posted too soon - even though I know it'll be better in thelong run

[DraughtyWindow]

I'm sorry you've been subjected to this. Yes, your DCs adore him. He's their Dad. You say you don't want them to think any less of you if you stay? Is that a typo?
I was in a very similar position. The verbal abuse started not long after I became pregnant. The behaviour was covert. No one else really witnessed it and everyone thought I was making it up. I had no family and no where else to go. It continued until I left 8 YEARS LATER. I stayed because I thought I was doing the right thing. Then he started to become abusive towards DD. I left. DD still has a loving relationship with her Dad. I worked hard whilst I was with him and left when I could financially support myself and DD. I wasn't on the mortgage and wasn't married so left with nothing apart from a few bits of furniture. My self esteem was in tatters. Nearly 5 years have passed and things are a struggle financially. But I no longer suffer the horrendous verbal abuse and mental torture (apparently it was me who made him behave like that...)
My DD witnessed more than she should have. Now she's a teenager she is struggling to make sense of it all. (She has Aspergers).
Get away as soon as you can. It will NOT get better. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking that's the way people treat each other? Because if you stay, they will. Please don't make the same mistake as I did. No matter how scared you are of going it alone, you will find the strength. We are strong. And life's too short to spend it with toxic people. The first night DD and I spent in our little rented place was the first night I could breathe. No bad atmosphere. No treading on eggshells. It was heaven sent. The peace was a revelation.
Ex is with a new partner & baby. And history is repeating itself. So very sad. I wish you all the strength in the world.