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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

His friends don't want to meet me

42 replies

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 17:51

Been with BF 18 months. Amazing relationship, we're discussing marriage and children in the not too distant future.

BF has a small group of close friends whom he spends a lot of time with. He's tried to engineer us meeting on several occasions but it hasn't happened for one reason or another. It's his birthday coming up soon and he has tried to organise a couples evening out so I can meet them all but yet again they've refused and said they don't understand his obsession in getting us to meet. I do feel a bit awkward about meeting them after so long but I feel like it's kind of a standard step in any long term relationship and just assumed it would happen at some point. He's met many of my friends and they've been keen to include him. We're both going to my friend's very small wedding abroad for example.

It's kind of upset me because they mean a lot to him and he talks about them a lot and now there is this big part of his life which I probably won't be part of now.

What, if anything can I do? Or should I do? Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

Report

TheDetective · 28/02/2016 17:55

Does this friendship group maybe include an ex? Even a long time ago ex?

HeddaGarbled · 28/02/2016 18:00

That's odd.

Any idea why they don't want to meet you? Was he married to or dating someone who is part of the group? Are they all singles who prefer to socialise as a lads group? Could it be racism or something like that?

I think it needs addressing as I can't imagine a future with a man who is close to and goes out socialising with a group of friends you appear to have been ostracised from.

Would it be better if he arranged something with one couple first rather than you meet the whole lot in one go?

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:00

No, no exes. It's 4 men and their partners.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 28/02/2016 18:01

Strange. Was your dp single for a long time before he met you? Sometimes the 'single one' plays a certain role in a friendship group and they might feel resentful?

QuiteLikely5 · 28/02/2016 18:03

This is very bizarre and quite frankly something is up that he is not telling you about........

Four couples but you aren't deemed important enough to be included?

Hmmm

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 18:04

How do you know that they don't want to meet you? Is it just your DP telling you this? Have you actually seen any texts/emails that back this up?

I would be inclined to think he is talking shite.

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:04

I've no idea why they're not keen to meet me. I think with the birthday thing, they want it to be men only but they socialise without their partners an awful lot so I don't understand why they can't do a couples thing on this one occasion, particularly as it's what bf wants to do.

I know he talks about me a lot to them so maybe they're sick of hearing about me? I've spoken to them on the phone once which was awkward for all of us (bf drunk and passed the phone around). However, he talks about them a lot to me too although I guess they're not aware of it.

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Cabrinha · 28/02/2016 18:07

Can you explain why it has taken "engineering" to meet people that he spends so much time with?

How does he spend time with them, and why haven't you just naturally slotted into that?

If he only ever sees the 4 males on "lads drinks" and there is NO history of current practice of meals in or out with the partners, I can see why they MIGHT resist some totally alien dinner party set up.

My boyfriend met my best friend a week in when we went to two nearby cinemas on the same night and I said "oh, shall we meet you and your H at 22:00 after the films for a quick drink?"

Why doesn't his current social interaction lend itself to a natural meeting?

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:09

I really don't think he is lying to me. I trust him completely. They were all away together this weekend and he raised it with them then and they've all said no.

The men are all in various stages of their relationships. One is a very new couple, one has been with his gf a year and the other married but I know that is strained. They don't socialise with their GFs ever I don't think although each has met the other's partners except me and the very new gf.

Bf was in a long term relationship before me so it's not the single thing I don't think. We met online however, and they all live close to each other in a different city from me. A couple of them live in a shared house so they spend a lot of time together there.

It's awkward because I can't demand to meet them and if I did and they agreed, it would be horrible for all of us.

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Cabrinha · 28/02/2016 18:11

So, it isn't the "couples" who have specifically refused to meet you at his birthday, I think...
But more a case that the "lads" have said "fucking hell mate, no - let's not invite the girlfriends, your birthday should be about us going on the lash, not sitting around chatting".

My perfectly sociable XH was very willing to socialise with my friends but his male group of friends simply did not seem to do wives too.

Invite his best friend only plus girlfriend round to yours for dinner? Or out for a curry?

Cabrinha · 28/02/2016 18:13

Crossed posts...
So this isn't a refusal to meet "you" it's a refusal to swap a lads night for a couples night?

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:14

BF and I have discussed a very small wedding with close family and friends only. He would like two of the four friends to be there (closer and more long standing friendship with these) but I feel odd about meeting them there for the first time and knowing they don't really care about meeting me? This is obviously not a problem yet but I'm already thinking ahead to how things will be if I am excluded from his social group. They know we are discussing marriage btw so know how serious he is about me.

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littleleftie · 28/02/2016 18:14

You are 18 months in.

Have you met any of his friends?

What about family?

This just doesn't sound right to me, sorry.

VimFuego101 · 28/02/2016 18:15

Do they ever do 'couples evenings out'? It sounds like not. It sounds like it's becoming a far bigger deal than it needs to be tbh. Just drop him off or pick him up when he meets up with them, or be with him when he stops by their house to pick something up. If he says no to any of that, then I do think he's holding back for a reason. Do you think he's told them a different story of how you met? Some people don't really get online dating.

IrenetheQuaint · 28/02/2016 18:16

This is really odd. It sounds like, at best, they are sexist twats who think women spoil the fun.

I wonder if your DP regresses to selfish twat mode when he's with them and is therefore not that keen to bring you along, even once?

I wouldn't get engaged to him without meeting them, tbh... at this rate you risk him regularly disappearing from your married life to hang out with people you've never met.

Beachlovingirl · 28/02/2016 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:17

The birthday was never arranged so they're not missing out on something that was already planned.

They all share a love of a particular sport and so spend most of their time staying at the shared house watching it. In fact, BF was upset last year because they'd arranged to go out for his birthday but ended up staying in to watch this sport like they do every time they meet up. This year will be no different no doubt.

I can sort of understand about his birthday but they refuse every time he tries to organise a get together.

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QuiteLikely5 · 28/02/2016 18:17

It would be very strange indeed if you did not get the chance to meet these 'friends' prior to your wedding day!

RomComPhooey · 28/02/2016 18:20

Sounds rum to me. Do they have knowledge of him he doesn't want you to find or some kind of "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" arrangement to their nights out & weekends away? Weird that they're so reluctant for you to meet their girlfriends. Perhaps you'd compare notes and start to realise they weren't all actually away together on weekend X....

lunar1 · 28/02/2016 18:20

Sorry I think it's your boyfriend that doesn't want to introduce you. It just doesn't make sense the other way round if one of the other partners is new.

ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:21

Thanks for all the feedback everyone, I've met all his family, none of his friends but he doesn't like hanging around with large groups of guys and so these 4 are his only real friends I think.

I can't engineer a meet up because as I mentioned, they only socialise by staying in. There used to be a woman who would go regularly as well because she enjoyed this sport too but don't think she does anymore. Bf has asked me to go along to one of these nights but I felt weird about crashing their party and even more so now.

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RomComPhooey · 28/02/2016 18:21

Also, if these men wield such influence on him, I'd be keep to meet them before you marry anyway. Who they choose as friends can say a lot about them as a person.

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ToTheLeft · 28/02/2016 18:22

Forgot to add that they know how we met. One or two of them have also done OLD although all current partners met in RL.

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VodkaValiumLattePlease · 28/02/2016 18:22

They're just not interested in meeting you, they have their own thing going on and it you're there it changes that. If a friend of mine was always going on about you and constantly on my case to meet you I'd be pretty sick of you already

Marchate · 28/02/2016 18:23

I also wonder whether it's him not wanting you to meet the friends

And I'm another voice asking, have you met his family? Work colleagues?

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