Don't even know where to start. DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 8 years. We have a 2.5 yr old DS.
He's always loved going out after work drinking in London. But in the last probably 5 years, this has got much worse and since our son has arrived, reached a new level.
He very frequently goes out after work drinking with 'clients', sometimes he will call me and tell me, usually with a promise that he'll be on a certain train, but rarely if ever sticks to this. He often forgets to take a house key, doesn't answer my calls or texts and is totally uncontactable. He usually arrives home very late - betwen 12 and 2am. Since DS was born, he has stayed out all night on several occasions without really communicating to me where he is. I cannot count the number of meals I've cooked for him that have gone uneaten, or the nights I've spent crying on the phone to my sister about why he's doing this. I suspect he also uses emotionally abusive tactics to try and justify his behaviour, but I'm not sure. There's a lot of stonewalling for example. FWIW I don't think he's having an affair. In some ways I wish he was, at least it would explain his behaviour.
A few months ago, I discovered evidence of cocaine use on several different occasions - empty wraps in his jean pockets and even under our bed. This has been the straw that's broken the camel's back.
The effect of all this on me, and our relationship, has been immense. I have lost all my confidence and feelings of self worth. Why does he choose to stay drinking in London and not come home to me? Is it my fault? The total lack of respect for me is the worst part. He'll often be contrite the next day and want to be intimate with me, but I just can't, because at that moment, I hate him. I've felt so very sad, lonely, and angry.
He's been promising to change for so long and hasn't. We've been to Relate - 5 years ago for the same problem but also because I found mildly flirty emails he'd been sending to a girl he'd met on a business trip in America. We're back at Relate again but I'm not sure it's helping.
I do have mental health problems, which I fully admit have put a big strain on our relationship. I have emetophobia and bad anxiety/panic attacks. My pregnancy was a terrible time - I felt sick every single day for 9 months and couldn't leave the house, had suicidal thoughts, had to be on medication and self harmed. This was of course very distressing for my husband. I've also had periods of panic and anxiety over our 20 year relationship that I know he's found hard to deal with.
However, since my son was born, I have been really working on my issues and feel so much stronger and better. I've sought CBT, I go to a weekly group therapy, and I'm on antidepressants, all of which has helped greatly.
I still have my moments of course, but it's our relationship that is causing me the most anxiety at the moment. I am a SAHM at the moment, so he also has the financial strain of supporting us. But I'm really keen to get back to work and I'm slowly making inroads to do so.
I've been telling DH for about a year that his almost weekly AWOL behaviour is chipping away at my love and respect for him and that there soon would be nothing left. I feel I may have reached that point. He had several episodes last week, one of which involved him waking up on the train at the wrong station, 30 miles away. He didn't get home until 3am.
Anyway, I just feel a detached resignation now. I can't take it anymore. I am so unhappy. He can't be happy, surely? I worry so much about my son and the effect this is having on him. He only really sees his father at weekends. I'm very very worried about how I would be able to cope financially without him, as I am trapped by being reliant on him. There aren't really any feasible options for one of us moving out either.
Sorry for the epic essay, just hoping someone who's been there might offer some words of wisdom. I've pretty much told him I've had enough and want some time apart. He's been crying all night and I just feel numb. I feel like I've already done my grieving for this relationship. But I still love and care deeply about him, as the father of out DS, and want him to be ok. I feel guilty for telling him I no longer know how I feel about him and that I'm numb inside.
Thanks for reading.
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Finally had enough if his behaviour but feeling desperate and confused
littlebadger38 · 28/02/2016 11:52
Don't feel guilty you've done the right thing.
From personal experience the cocaine would have been the end for me.
Do you have family you could go to?
Sounds as if your a single parent already.
Take care
He sounds abusive to me, no way should he be restraining you and you would be well within your rights to call the police next time he tries that!
Go and see a solicitor and get some legal advice and go to the CAB to find out what you would be entitled to. Once you have more information you will feel more confident about making a decision.
I seriously doubt that anything will change for the better. Oh sure, he's upset, but probably upset at losing the effort you put into providing him with a home and food etc.
I left a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship but it took me years as I was so afraid of my Ex and the consequences of leaving but it worked out well and I am very happy. You can do this too.
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