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Finally had enough if his behaviour but feeling desperate and confused

(8 Posts)
littlebadger38 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:52:22

Don't even know where to start. DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 8 years. We have a 2.5 yr old DS.

He's always loved going out after work drinking in London. But in the last probably 5 years, this has got much worse and since our son has arrived, reached a new level.

He very frequently goes out after work drinking with 'clients', sometimes he will call me and tell me, usually with a promise that he'll be on a certain train, but rarely if ever sticks to this. He often forgets to take a house key, doesn't answer my calls or texts and is totally uncontactable. He usually arrives home very late - betwen 12 and 2am. Since DS was born, he has stayed out all night on several occasions without really communicating to me where he is. I cannot count the number of meals I've cooked for him that have gone uneaten, or the nights I've spent crying on the phone to my sister about why he's doing this. I suspect he also uses emotionally abusive tactics to try and justify his behaviour, but I'm not sure. There's a lot of stonewalling for example. FWIW I don't think he's having an affair. In some ways I wish he was, at least it would explain his behaviour.

A few months ago, I discovered evidence of cocaine use on several different occasions - empty wraps in his jean pockets and even under our bed. This has been the straw that's broken the camel's back.

The effect of all this on me, and our relationship, has been immense. I have lost all my confidence and feelings of self worth. Why does he choose to stay drinking in London and not come home to me? Is it my fault? The total lack of respect for me is the worst part. He'll often be contrite the next day and want to be intimate with me, but I just can't, because at that moment, I hate him. I've felt so very sad, lonely, and angry.

He's been promising to change for so long and hasn't. We've been to Relate - 5 years ago for the same problem but also because I found mildly flirty emails he'd been sending to a girl he'd met on a business trip in America. We're back at Relate again but I'm not sure it's helping.

I do have mental health problems, which I fully admit have put a big strain on our relationship. I have emetophobia and bad anxiety/panic attacks. My pregnancy was a terrible time - I felt sick every single day for 9 months and couldn't leave the house, had suicidal thoughts, had to be on medication and self harmed. This was of course very distressing for my husband. I've also had periods of panic and anxiety over our 20 year relationship that I know he's found hard to deal with.

However, since my son was born, I have been really working on my issues and feel so much stronger and better. I've sought CBT, I go to a weekly group therapy, and I'm on antidepressants, all of which has helped greatly.
I still have my moments of course, but it's our relationship that is causing me the most anxiety at the moment. I am a SAHM at the moment, so he also has the financial strain of supporting us. But I'm really keen to get back to work and I'm slowly making inroads to do so.

I've been telling DH for about a year that his almost weekly AWOL behaviour is chipping away at my love and respect for him and that there soon would be nothing left. I feel I may have reached that point. He had several episodes last week, one of which involved him waking up on the train at the wrong station, 30 miles away. He didn't get home until 3am.

Anyway, I just feel a detached resignation now. I can't take it anymore. I am so unhappy. He can't be happy, surely? I worry so much about my son and the effect this is having on him. He only really sees his father at weekends. I'm very very worried about how I would be able to cope financially without him, as I am trapped by being reliant on him. There aren't really any feasible options for one of us moving out either.

Sorry for the epic essay, just hoping someone who's been there might offer some words of wisdom. I've pretty much told him I've had enough and want some time apart. He's been crying all night and I just feel numb. I feel like I've already done my grieving for this relationship. But I still love and care deeply about him, as the father of out DS, and want him to be ok. I feel guilty for telling him I no longer know how I feel about him and that I'm numb inside.

Thanks for reading.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 28-Feb-16 12:09:15

I would seriously consider seeking legal advice re separation if you have not done so already because knowledge is power. Do you love him or is this love based now on an unhealthy co-dependency?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

What would you say to a friend if she was in this situation?.

How do you think the Relate sessions are going?.

What is your ultimate deal breaker here given that you hardly see him, he has a drink problem, has used cocaine and has been e-mailing another female in the US. How low is your relationship bar here?. You may well be financially dependent on him, is that what is really keeping you within this.

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships?. This is in no way a good model of one for him to grow up in is it?.

cocochanel21 Sun 28-Feb-16 12:48:06

Don't feel guilty you've done the right thing.

From personal experience the cocaine would have been the end for me.
Do you have family you could go to?
Sounds as if your a single parent already.
Take careflowers

littlebadger38 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:28:22

Does anyone else have any advice here? I've since told DH that in just not sure how I feel about him anymore and that I need some time to figure out what to do. He is very very upset and seems in total shock about my feelings, despite the fact I've been telling him for years what his behaviour is doing to us and my feelings for him. It's not just the AOL London drinking and coke taking, we have awful arguments. Always have. Our arguments ccan get physical, if I want to leave the house during a row he will forcefully restrain me. I walked down the aisle at our wedding with a bruise on my arm from him restraining me (I was freaking out about something and he was trying to restrain me, so don't consider it abuse). I have also thrown things at him and slammed doors so I'm equally to blame.

I've suggested some time apart and I'm going away on my own next weekend for a few days. I just feel numb inside and just not sure how I feel about him anymore.do I still love him and want to make a go of it for the sake of my son, or is too late. How do you know when you don't love your partner anymore? Feel like I'm risky cracking up, just going through the motions with our son and feel guilty for not being as connected as I should be with him. Have felt very very low the last few days. Sounds pathetic but don't want to end up alone with my son in a bedsit.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Sat 05-Mar-16 12:36:20

He sounds abusive to me, no way should he be restraining you and you would be well within your rights to call the police next time he tries that!

Go and see a solicitor and get some legal advice and go to the CAB to find out what you would be entitled to. Once you have more information you will feel more confident about making a decision.

I seriously doubt that anything will change for the better. Oh sure, he's upset, but probably upset at losing the effort you put into providing him with a home and food etc.

I left a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship but it took me years as I was so afraid of my Ex and the consequences of leaving but it worked out well and I am very happy. You can do this too. flowers

LizKeen Sat 05-Mar-16 12:50:08

I have to be honest, it sounds as though this relationship is rotten to the core, with no solid foundation. It is not good for either of you, and is probably very damaging to your son.

He is very very upset and seems in total shock about my feelings, despite the fact I've been telling him for years what his behaviour is doing to us and my feelings for him.

Don't fall for this. He has had plenty of time to be upset over the situation, and do something about it. But he has made bad choices time and time again, knowing that they were eroding your feelings and that ultimately your relationship was suffering as a result. His upset now is manipulative and is purely to keep you where you are. In limbo. Wanting to leave but hanging on out of guilt and obligation to him.

A bedsit is no ones aspiration, but I have always considered bedsits and studio flats as stepping stones. Even if you did end up in one, that isn't your final destination. Just as your current life isn't your final destination.

category12 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:55:58

You might find your mental health improved in leaps and bounds if you were out of the relationship. His behaviour has never changed, and I don't think he ever will while you're in a relationship together, because he has no reason to - you fight and then it all goes back as before. I think you're both locked into a cycle.

So it's no doubt a huge shock to him that this time you sound really serious, but no matter how much he cries and makes promises, it sounds like it has gone too far and the cycle would surely resume.

Look into the legal aspects, see what help you can get from the state, and keep in mind he has to pay child support as well. And make plans to move on with your life out of this mess.

kittybiscuits Sat 05-Mar-16 13:14:24

You have done brilliantly to get help and improve your well-being whilst living with this abusive waste of space. He's not shocked. It's manipulation. I wouldn't do couple counselling with him - he's abusive. Has he admitted drug and alcohol issues in counselling? It's great for you to have a break but are you going to leave your precious DS with this liability? A secondthe suggestion of legal advice. Also keep a diary and start to call the police when he is overtly abusive. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. Your MH will improve beyong recognition when you get away from him. What a leech.

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