Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ghosting. Happened to you? Or done it yourself?

(35 Posts)
Shameandregret Sun 28-Feb-16 09:21:47

I have just been ghosted by someone who I was going on a 3rd date with. Loads of communication for weeks, got on well, he asked for each date. Then boom, nothing.

Third time it's happened to me in my dating forays (only been dating since December after leaving physically abusive marriage 18 months ago).

So, on the grand scale of things ghosting hasn't upset/hurt me because I've dealt with way worse stuff from men BUT it does confuse me. I'm the kind of person who, even if I'm not feeling it has to be honest and tell the person. I can't just cut them off, it seems so...rude.

Is this a normal way to exit nowadays? I was with my ex for 10 years before this and as I'm in my mid thirties never done the dating thing before, this ghosting business is proper weird?!

DraenorQueen Sun 28-Feb-16 09:25:54

Had it done to me. It was not pleasant.
I think due to the nature of dating these days, some people just take a "swipe left" approach to other people. Try it, nah, on to the next one...
And of course many people are too fucking cowardly to even send a text!

Cabrinha Sun 28-Feb-16 09:36:03

I think it helps to realise that yes, despite the rudeness it is normal now - because then you take it less personally!

I suppose it happens because OLD means you talk to / date men that have no other connection with you - so it's easy to do.

My friend and I refer to the ones that you hadn't met yet who disappear as "wandering off".

I think at that stage, it doesn't come from a really bad place and I have done it... You're talking to someone, you're not feeling it, you don't reply on day 1, mean to on day 2, by day 3 you think "well they've got the message, I can hardly mail after 3 days to say I'm not interested - that seems more rude and egotistical that just leaving it".

At that stage I have definitely ghosted - by default rather than callously thinking - fuck you, I'll leave you hanging.

After a date, I think it's damn rude.

However, again I've semi done it... If you're not interested and want to end it, you can either deliberately or unwittingly slow your communication whilst you work up to what to say.

I've always then said "sorry been quiet, tbh I've been thinking... thanks but no thanks" But I can see how avoiding the awkward conversation can becoming ghosting. Oh it's been a week now, I guess she knows...

I'm sure there are some callous shits! And it's always rude - but I think often it's laziness / gutless ness rather than meanness.

I have twice precipitated ending being dumped by texting "we text every day, it's been 4 - this isn't going anywhere is it?" Both times I guess would have been ghosting. And when prompted both were nice enough guys who ended things politely when forced to grin

Nobody wants to start the bad news conversation.

Think my best ghosting was a guy who disappeared for 8 weeks genuinely because he was unexpectedly in a military bunker grin

Rebecca2014 Sun 28-Feb-16 09:36:33

Yep happened to me, very common it seems.

RhodaBull Sun 28-Feb-16 09:41:17

But isn't "ghosting" less hurtful than, "Actually I don't like you," or "You are not very attractive." Both of which could be the real reason for non-contact.

Back in the days of "normal" dating it was relatively common to go out with someone and then never hear from them again, or I remember hissing to my mum to tell some hapless young man on the phone that I was "out" however many times he called.

Shameandregret Sun 28-Feb-16 09:58:24

Cabrinha that is THE best disappearing act I have ever heard. Military bunker grin

Rhoda thanks for your not so subtle 'you must be a minger' hints. I am not by the way hmm

I think he was just after a shag tbh, which is fine, as I said I wasn't hurt just bemused. I have been on dates with people in this last two months and afterwards decided they were not for me. I just gently said in a text 'You are lovely but I just didn't feel a connection'. I would hate for someone to feel like they had done something wrong,

Oysterbabe Sun 28-Feb-16 11:28:07

It happened to me when I was OLD. Had a first date and he was super keen. Had a second, we went for cocktails and had a little kiss at the end. Never heard from him again. I know that he had a date with another woman the same week as our second date so I assume he chose her.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 28-Feb-16 12:00:04

I did it once. It was unintentional. Three dates, but he seemed a bit too keen for my liking. There wasn't anything wrong with him, it just wasn't right.

I didn't know what to say so I thought I'd leave it 24 hours, then something came up at work and I didn't have time to think for another few days... and before I knew it a week had gone. Nowadays, that seems nothing, but then it felt like too long had past.

It wasn't intentional, I wasn't being a bitch, it just 'happened'. I would make sure in future that I said something. I do regret it.

Fontella Sun 28-Feb-16 18:05:18

I had this done to me by a bloke I thought I was nuts about. He also lived nearly 300 miles away which meant there wasn't much I could do about it, so I didn't even try.

We had carried on a long distance relationship for a few months and I was actively looking for a place to buy near him. We'd just had yet another visit, me to him on this occasion and all had gone well. He'd carried on texting me for a few days after my return and then radio silence. He just stopped answering or texting and wouldn't answer his phone. I was heartbroken for about a week and then it began to dawn on me he'd probably done me a favour as I was more in lust with him than love (he was gorgeous) and uprooting and moving halfway across the country maybe wasn't such a good idea.

I got over it pretty quickly and deleted all trace of him from my phone. A year or so later I started getting calls from this unknown number that I suspect might have been him. I never answered and he never left any messages or tried to make contact in any other way, so I will never know for certain if it was him.

ladylambkin Sun 28-Feb-16 19:03:45

I think ghosting is the lesser evil of being told the truth as to why they don't want to see you again. I actually did get a text that said I had a great night however I am looking for someone slimmer cake

SoThatHappened Sun 28-Feb-16 19:06:53

I have to say, there are a few occasions when I would rather have been ghosted. One who actually told me to my face I don't feel it for you, I don't see us having a future. We'd had such nice dates, etc.

Id rather he said nothing and vanished than tell me that.

SoThatHappened Sun 28-Feb-16 19:07:55

I think ghosting is the lesser evil of being told the truth as to why they don't want to see you again.

yes cross posted with this.

it is harder to be told, no I dont like you.

Sad4EverMore Sun 28-Feb-16 19:55:49

ladylamb Christ! What a knob! Don't think I could ever do the OLD method!

LobsterQuadrille Sun 28-Feb-16 20:13:33

I actually did get a text that said I had a great night however I am looking for someone slimmer

Funnily enough, I once had an email that said that I had a nice face but was too thin for his taste ......

I guess you can't please everyone.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 28-Feb-16 21:16:54

I was ghosted quite recently.
Tbh I thought he was a little too keen, and I wasn't that into him yet, but could really see myself falling for him.

He lived quite far away, but we would travel up/down to see each other and he'd actually secured a job near me to be closer. confused

I sort have wished he'd told me why, but meh.

Cabrinha Sun 28-Feb-16 21:37:44

Lambkin that's shocking!

I have only ever used variations of "I had a fun night, it was nice to meet you <maybe insert reference to something funny or interesting they said> - but I didn't feel that 'spark'. Good luck with your search."

And yep - military fucking bunker with total lock down on all but BFPO blueys comms, and he didn't have my address.

Tbh, I don't think it would have worked anyway. But it made me laugh at the end - you know when you imagine all sorts of reasons when actually, they're just not that into you? And here the outlandish reason was true grin

Anyway by week six I reckoned I'd been ghosted so I agreed to a date with a friend who was waiting in the wings... and we're now engaged! So the military bunker did me a favour, as I expect I could have lost a bit of time to him and he may actually have been a headfuck, in retrospect.

So hurrah for ghosting! 👻

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 28-Feb-16 22:17:44

I have lots of very old male childhood friends and have seen them through many eras, including the dating years.

Each and every one of them would rather chew off their own arm than tell a woman they didn't fancy her.

I have been lied to by exes/dates in a dazzling variety of ways - at the time I felt awful, really awful about myself. Or I felt really angry at how rude the men were and sent scathing but (I thought) hilarious texts in retaliation.

Now I just cringe at how low my standards were and how, if my DH ever met any of these numptys I seemed to be so bothered about he would take the piss out of me for pretty much the rest of my life.

If someone ghosts you, you had a lucky escape.

Lanark2 Sun 28-Feb-16 22:23:03

Ghostingis a weird term. I had a date with someone that seemed OK, but I didn't push it afterwards and neither did she. Did we ghost each other, or just not fancy it, or did I ghost her, or she ghost me?

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 28-Feb-16 22:23:12

I ghosted a guy when I found out he already had a live in girlfriend..

Reason I mention that on this thread is because the reason I did it like that was I felt it was the most disrespectful way to end it and the way which would leave him feeling the most crap - like I just didn't give a fuck about him.

So I'd say anyone who was ghosting a date just because they were bored/found a better option is being disrespectful and rude.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 28-Feb-16 22:24:19

lanark ghosting is more like disappearing after a few dates or even a relationship - just cutting off all contact where it had been regular before with no goodbye or explanation. So no what you did was not that.

Lanark2 Sun 28-Feb-16 22:25:04

Actually that wasn't a helpful post. What I do know is that I quite often have a 'hang on, what happens if I stop contacting, are they bothered? Will they try to contact me? If they don't, I assume there is nothing there on their side, but it sounds like sometimes they would think I 'ghosted' them??

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus Sun 28-Feb-16 22:31:56

I think it very much depends on the circumstances.

I had a boyfriend at university who was a bit of an arse, in hindsight, so I shouldn't have expected any better. We went out for 2.5 years. He couldn't cope with me being cleverer than him (and worse that everyone else knew it) so after our finals he just decided that, rather than breaking up with me, he'd stop taking my calls and not see me again. He went back to live with his parents and I never saw or heard from him again. That's just a shit thing to do. Even a bloody text message would be better, not least as I was a bit worried about him at the start.

If it's a case of someone you've been seeing a couple of times, it's completely different. I once went on a small number of dates with a guy. On the third date (I think it was the third) he invited me to come out with his school friends who were all visiting the city we live in. He got really weird and possessive during this date so I went home and decided that was it. A few hours later he turned up on my doorstep and wanted me to let him in. I wouldn't event buzz him into the building and eventually he went home. I decided that since he was Mr Red Flag that I'd just ignore any contact from him and move on with my life.

Shameandregret Mon 29-Feb-16 08:13:29

It is so weird but I think he might be in hospital?!

I went on Tinder yesterday (you know, back in the saddle etc grin) and went to unmatch him on there and noticed he was 1km away, when lives about 18 km away. Our nearest hospital is about a mile from my house.

I just thought 'Oh he must have hooked up with someone near me' which was odd but then we were discussing it in the pub and someone came up with the suggestion he could be in hospital.

My friend is an eternal optimist though smile in reality he just probs doesn't want someone 6 years older than him with 3DC's in tow.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Tue 01-Mar-16 06:16:57

You think he's in hospital because Tinder said he was 1km away from you and there is a hospital a mile away?!!

Well I suppose you could put thatto him and them watch him block you, safe in the knowledge he and his friends are taking the piss out of you...

You've clearly posted that update because you're hopeful someone willagree with your friend, bit you wwon't ask directly because you know the truth deep down.

Why was it odd he might have hooked up woth someone near you? Tbh it's far more likely than him being in hospital near you!

'Ghosting' often isn't an intentional thing, a couple of dates and a few chats isn't anything in the grand scheme of things, he was chatting to a few people and has got caught up with one of them and that person wasn't you. That's all.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 01-Mar-16 07:24:16

Well, if he does have a good reason for non contact but hasn't told you, there's nothing wrong with meeting another guy or two while you're waiting to see if he pops back on the radar, surely? I'd say give him a chance to come back and explain, but that doesn't mean sitting at home looking wistfully at the phone. If he can't hack the idea that you weren't waiting for him (after two dates!) it's a useful indicator that he may well be an arse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now