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am I the reason he's not interested in our son?

(17 Posts)
hurtandconfued2016 Sat 27-Feb-16 21:54:41

Okay bit of background Ex left 7 weeks ago got into relationship with ow 3 days later..
I have a 2 year old and having a baby on Tuesday.
Now my thing is when we broke up he was being a good dad for like a week until I found out about ow then I said the day I found out he couldn't have our son as I couldn't face seeing him! He then only started wanting to see our son on the days he was working because he needed to have a life?
I said that wasn't happening my son wasn't going away to spend time with nana and papa it was time he should of had with his dad! So I told his dad he could have him on his days off (3-4 days off a week). I then asked him if he would have our son on the 14th over night as my mum was coming out of hospital after cancer treatment and didn't want my wee boy around, he had a massive go about how I was ruining his v day plans. Before everything I had said to him he could have our son 3 days with one over night and I still stick to this. Now when he hasaid had our son he has been late to collect him every time I'm not saying 5-10 mind late I'm talking like an hour or so! He dropped my son off 2 weeks ago after having him over night and demanded that I organise contact thru his parents which I said I wasn't doing as I had all ready been to a lawyer to get everything wrote up regarding contact. He has now said that I am a terrible mum and that I am stopping him having his son and that my son will hate me when he is older etc etc
Since he dropped our son off he hasn't text or anything about seeing him again or even ask how he is?
So my question is..
Is this normal?
Am I stopping him seeing his son?
Oh also I was still allowing him ato the birth but he said he can't stand to be around me so won't be there!
Am I in the wrong??

Marilynsbigsister Sat 27-Feb-16 22:32:22

You need to start valuing yourself a lot more OP. This complete cockwomble has left you as you are about to give birth and your two yr old. You owe him absolutely nothing. Do not get involved with his dramas. Cut contact except by email. Tell him (don't ask him) that he can see his child EOW and one night in the week for tea. If he doesn't turn up/lets him down then tell him you will stop contact . He will then have to go to court which will all be his to pay for. (200 for mediation - obligatory - before the cost of court 215 (without a solicitor).. .. As long as you have offered reasonable contact, court will have no problem for you. Stop letting him dictate. Start making him realise that he has to fit his life around his children and not his kids around his new love life. You are well shot of such a twazzock.

Have a great birth on Tuesday. Do not let him anywhere near you. He does not get to do the 'good bits' . He made his choice. Have someone with you who loves the bones of you and will be a genuine support.

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 27-Feb-16 23:17:58

I physically cannot contact him now unless it is threw his parents as he has blocked my number and my emails go straight to junk so he doesn't have to read them.
I went to a lawyer (he received the letter 2 weeks ago with no reply yet) and the lawyers letter states that he can have him 3 days 1 over night but he has to submit his rota so we can both go over when it is suitable for both of us!
I just feel awful my little boy asks for his dad and his dad is missing him change so much and when he says things like it's my fault it makes me doubt everything.
Before I went to the lawyer I had been asking for 4 weeks to sort out mediation again wit no reply?
I just don't want to be the reason my son doesn't have a relationship with his dad same for my daughter!
Before we had the big fight I would send him videos or pictures of things our son was doing so he wasn't missing out and he had a go about how it hurts him to see it etc but he has went 2 weeks without even asking how he is?
I dont want to be a walk over but I also don't want my son to loose out because of me....

Atenco Sat 27-Feb-16 23:45:54

Sorry, the only advice I can give you is do not build up your ex to your son. I mean, don't put a tone of excitement in your voice when your son is going to see daddy, talk about his dad the way you might talk about someone not very important, not putting him down, of course.

My dd's father was extremely unreliable and I found that I was setting her up for a fall by talking excitedly about her seeing him.

Best wishes for the birth.

ratspeaker Sun 28-Feb-16 10:40:24

You are not the reason he isn't seeing his son. HE is.

He could easily set up an email address to contact him through. He hasn't.
He could get a cheap payg phone for texts about his son. He hasn't.
You have offered contact, all he had to do was reply to solicitors letter. He hasn't.

I saw my friend go through similar. These deadbeats seem to have a script including the accusations of being an awful mother ,whilst being content to leave the child in your care and not seeing him or checking on his welfare for weeks.
My friends ex also did the " you're stopping contact" ( she never did ) , mucking about the arrangements, not keeping in contact with his children by email, skype, letter, phone.

You have a paper trail, through the letter that was sent by the lawyer, showing YOU were willing to keep contact up with him.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 28-Feb-16 10:45:15

How long have you known your ex and how long did you live with him, OP?

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:16:01

I just feel like he is making me to be the bad guy and I never want my children to feel or think that!
I have known him 4 years lived together at our parents for 2 then bought our own house 2 years ago.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 28-Feb-16 11:26:13

So you are caring full time for a two year old. - nurse cook cleaner - you are looking after your ill mother - and about to give birth alone -

You are going out of your way to allow X contact

He is swanning around with his girlfriend ignoring his children

So - do what you need to do - as you have - contact solicitor to arrange visits etc - tick

He blocked you not the other way round - nothing you can do - tick

Asking you to go via parents is unreasonable - tick

Seriously you can't or shouldn't do any more

He will face these questions in court -

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:58:02

Yes I go in to hospital on Tuesday to have a section. I was still willing to let him be at the section to see his daughter but he said he can't stand to be around me so that won't be happening.
I mean I'm not going to say I have been a perfectly nice person all the time, I have sent him some texts telling him how much I miss him and how much I want him to come home. I think this is why he has blocked me because he said it was pathetic.
I met his father the other day at our house (as they have started emptying it etc etc to get it sold, without talking to me my ex just gave them the key!!) And he didn't even ask how his grandson was or anything!!! It's a shame because my son is asking for his dad but I can't tell him the truth so all I say is that he is at work?

Colchestergal Sun 28-Feb-16 12:20:45

He's missing out because he chooses to, not because of you.

You cannot force a relationship between your children and their husband.

I think the thing you rally are struggling with is accepting that he doesn't want either if you now. He's being cruel but you must try to let it go. It hurts, of course it does, but you need to take control back. Ignore him, let him approach or contact you. Tbh it's all you can do.

Stop fretting about a situation you have no control over. I'm sorry you are suffering.

Colchestergal Sun 28-Feb-16 12:21:51

as for his parents - fuck them!!!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 28-Feb-16 12:24:59

Are you named on the deeds/mortgage or is the house in his sole name?

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 28-Feb-16 12:34:07

It is a joint mortgage yes.
Thanks Colchestergal I think I'm possibly blaming my self as I find it so hard to look at my little boy and think how could someone not bend over backwards for him as he is just so precious!!!

BonitaFangita Sun 28-Feb-16 13:00:47

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, good luck on Tuesday, and I hope your mother gets better soon. You have a lot on your plate, just one of these experiences could break a weaker person, so well done for being so strong for your kids.
You need to remain focused on your children, you ex has shown his true colours and I don't think you'll get any kind of adult response or interaction with him (at least for the time being).
For what it's worth I speak from the experience of being in your son's shoes. Do I pine for my feckless and absent father? Do I feel my mother has let me down? Do I hate my mother? No, No and most definitely NO! My mother is the strongest person I know, and I'm so proud of her. My father on the other hand?...meh

Colchestergal Sun 28-Feb-16 13:30:04

Your ex is selfish because he puts himself before his son. You are not selfish, your son is important to you. To take back the control from your ex you need to stop giving him the ignoring him he will soon realise he can't manipulate you.

I'm in a similar situation. You can't force him to have a relationship with your son. But you can make sure your relationship with your son is strong and loving and be proud of yourself that you can do that.

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 28-Feb-16 19:34:52

Bonitia thanks I'm not really a strong person have my wee cries often like today putting away all the baby stuff building her pram on my own when we should have been doing it together!
I really have been worrying my little boy has been sooclingy today and just fear he is missing his dad!
I have had no contact with my ex for 2 weeks now I thought he would have contacted me to see how our little boy is but no. Or even ask if I need anything for the arrival of little miss on Tuesday but again no!!
My son really has became my best friend I'm scared of leaving him for a few days when I'm in hospital sad

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 28-Feb-16 19:48:38

Write all this down in a diary -

Chances he's been given - no contact etc

Good luck for Tuesday -

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