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(10 Posts)
fondationmaeght Sat 27-Feb-16 20:04:09

Hi all.
So I've got two young DCs. 3 and just 1.
My 'D'P and I have massive issues. And I struggle with being able to know what a good relationship is supposed to be.
So over the past week these things have happened are they LTB territory or just work on it.?
1) I had a massive crying fit after putting the 3 yo to bed and the 1yo wouldn't sleep so I tried to feed her. I was crying and my DP said what's wrong, I said "I'm finding it really hard with the 2 kids...." And I sobbed for ages explaining all the things with the kids.
Then he didn't say anything he carried on watching tv. I stopped crying and ten min later I said what did u think about me being upset you didn't say anything. He said "oh when, oh er, I don't think I was concentrating"
2) Another time I bathed the 1 yo and she was playing in her cot. He had the 3yo downstairs and bought her up. He said what can I do, I said I don't know what's been done but DC2 is ready, DC1 needs teeth brush story etc. He said ok I'll go downstairs. I said no, I then started writing a text to friend v quickly and he said "listen to me" and made me feel bad for being on my phone. I have a big problem with him at the mo as he's always on his phone!!
I then said "no don't go downstairs bedtime is both our responsibility."(He's always trying to get out of it)
He took DC2 downstairs so I can get DC1 to sleep.
I went downstairs to get DC1 cuddly thing and told him I felt that everyday he does something hurtful and unsupportive and then told me to F off. I said don't say that in front of the kids.
What's going on here?
Is he selfish?

LIZS Sat 27-Feb-16 20:08:46

He is but I suspect you are sending out mixed messages. He asked what he could do but you weren't very specific. You said you were busy and then wrote a text, but it isn't ok for him to watch TV. Perhaps pick a time with fewer distractions to agree how to manage bedtime and any other common flashpoints.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Feb-16 20:15:29

When children are thrown into the mix roles become blurred and tiredness causes untold friction.......

Men often think it's the woman's role to sort out the children and women become resentful because they are left to do everything

Has he got a set role to play when it comes to the dc?

For instance, you take turns doing bed time or take turns doing the bath etc?

It's very bad form telling you to eff off in front of the dc though

MrsH1989 Sat 27-Feb-16 20:15:48

Not LTB issues here but you do need to have a good chat.

AugustMoon Sat 27-Feb-16 20:16:01

I think you both sound very stressed and tired with the little ones, he sounds like he doesn't know what he should do to help and is insensitive. Clueless. And yes, selfish.
LTB? It depends if these events are isolated - has he ever told you to fuck off before? Why did he say that? Was it just dismissive of you or was it more like he was upset about you not being more specific about where to help.
Ime however, when blokes ask if they can help its because they dont actually give a monkeys and don't want to. They know you'd probably just do it yourself rather than have to spell it out to a grown man... So they're free to go and play guilt-free xbox or whatever

Marchate Sat 27-Feb-16 20:16:22

He's being selfish. He thinks his wellbeing is way more important than yours

Swearing in front of a child is bad enough. Swearing at you in front of the children is despicable

fondationmaeght Sat 27-Feb-16 20:34:36

It's an ongoing thing, "can I help with the bedtimes" drives me mad, it's not help its putting your children to bed, and actually having time reading to them etc.I feel like he always tries to get out of it and it's never his fault if he doesn't help "you didn't tell me what to do" or I have to call him upstairs whilst I'm doing it.
I've even drawn up a poster for the bathroom door with pictures for the routine ie teeth, pj etc. I pretended it was for the kids but it's actually for him!!!
I always do bedtimes he never says go downstairs have a cuppa.
The thing that's upset me the most is not listening when I was sobbing.
We are finding it vvvvv hard with the kids!!!

TheCokeMachine Sat 27-Feb-16 20:46:26

I'm with AugustMoon. It's stressful, I have a two and four year old (18 month gap). We've told each other to fuck off in front of the children blush I've not LTB.

It's hard, it can rock a solid relationship.

It's time to sit down and talk and explain (when you are not feeling emotional). I have to do it every few weeks. Men seem to need clear rules or they just drift. Women pick up the slack. Some men don't do subtle hints, he probably thinks the chart it for you. Tell him straight what you need help with.

If he's generally good, and you love him despite being a dick sometimes then work on it. I had a perfect relationship before the children came along, there have been numerous times since that I've wanted to LTB but I know that he is generally a good guy.

I think you can sort this out and it may be tiredness and miscommunication. It's bloody hard.

fondationmaeght Sun 28-Feb-16 21:28:47

Thanks all. I think you are right re it's so hard with the young DCs.
I feel like we can work through it. He has apologised for swearing at me

AugustMoon Mon 29-Feb-16 19:50:33

That's something, that he apologised. Some dont. I hope things get easier for you. Try to make some time for just the two of you.

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