Husband going out of his mind - PIL related and possible trigger

[wibblypig1]

Dear all,
Don't know where to start and I'm sorry if this is not explained properly. Recently PIL have upset my DH and messed us about badly with an ongoing issue. Trying to support my DH by telling him that he wasn't imagining things and that they just deal with things badly. One of his parents was physically and emotionally abusive towards DH from a young age, but has turned over a new leaf and regrets their past actions. The trouble is, now my OH is still scared of this parent and feels like he can never defend himself. They are still upset about the recent fall out and have snubbed him, preferring to see another sibling who rarely bothers with them today. DH has been quiet and contemplative the last week and I assumed it's because he was processing the events.

We had a bit of a disagreement this afternoon that escalated really quickly. He told me I was just like my mother - fat, nasty and controlling. There was a crazed look in his eyes, he was really mad. He involved our daughter in this as she was eating her dinner and made her cry, telling her that I was kicking him out. We took the disagreement outside the kitchen, and I said I needed space away from him. He wouldn't leave despite me begging him, despite me explaining that I needed some space from him. I grabbed my keys and my coat and he barred the door. He told me I wasnt going anywhere. I asked hi to leave again because his behaviour wasn't normal. DH has just left the house having kicked me and holding me round the arms and shoulders, pulling me away from the the door to stop me leaving. He was like a crazed man. I don't know what to do. I know he'll come back and apologise (he's never hit me before).

[Liberated71]

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry to read this. Not sure I have any magical advice. Keep yourself and your daughter safe. A one off may not mean a total change of behaviour but it indicates potential. Think carefully about where you need to draw lines and what you expect when he returns. IMHO it doesn't matter what went on that led to this - abuse is abuse and unacceptable. However I know it's never straightforward so say again to make sure you keep yourself safe. Maybe call a local helpline (if there is such a thing?) - women's aid or similar. I hope you will be ok X

[achillesratty]

I would call the Police and report the assault, you really need to do it for yourself but also for your daughter. Your husband grew up in a dysfunctional home, do you really want that for your child ? For abusers there is always a first time using violence, make sure it's the last. I hope you are your daughter are OK, please take urgent steps to make sure this doesn't happen again.

[seven201]

Call the police now.

[MrsHathaway]

Calling the police draws a line in the sand: whatever the cause, this behaviour is unacceptable.

Good luck

[Inertia]

Call the police. Your husband has assaulted you in front of your child; police will take a very dim view of his actions.

[tribpot]

I'd imagine one of the things that didn't happen when he was a child was for the abuser to be reported to the police. The cycle needs to be broken, and a massive shock may help to jolt him back to reality.

Don't try and rationalise this behaviour and make excuses for him. He really needs to understand that, unlike in his parents' relationship, actions have direct consequences.

[LeaLeander]

Another for calling the police. You can't let your daughter be exposed to this.

Don't fall into the "but I feel sorry for him..." trap. As others have said, does he restrain and kick his boss? his friends? Other family members? The neighbors? No, of course he doesn't. He controls himself around them and he can control himself around you, IF he chooses. If he chooses not to, he can pay the consequences just as he would if he kicked his employer.

[Morasssassafras]

Absolutely call the police op.

I get the feeling female what you said that he's been abusive before but never physically?

Your H needs to know this is totally unacceptable and the only way to ensure he knows that is to involve the police.

I hope you and your dd are safe now.

[Morasssassafras]

Female = from.

I should really preview.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

This is not PIL related nor is your DH going out of his mind. Your husband is an abusive cunt OP. Call the police and report him. How DARE he do that to you, and in front of your daughter. OP, don't feel sorry for him or think for one minute that this behaviour is justified by some row he has had with his parents. Think of yourself and your daughter and get angry.

[gleekster]

Yes, you must call the police. He is abusive and nothing excuses his behaviour.

So sorry - stay safe.

[Isetan]

This isn't about your PIL, it's about your H deciding that abusing you in front of his child preferable to dealing with his issues. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES for his behaviour.

With me and my Ex, there was over 14 months between the first act of aggression and the last. What I hadn't realised, was that my failure to treat the first incident with approbate seriousness, contributed to the second incident becoming a probability instead of a staying a possibility.

Your parental responsibilities do not extend to your H and you can not protect you and your daughter by prioritising him. This is serious OP and it should be a turning point; minimising, excuses and blaming your PIL is a dangerous path to follow.

[coconutpie]

This isn't about your PIL, it's about your H. He has physically assaulted you and has terrified your child. Call the police immediately

[defineme]

He kicked you? That's apalling. Call the police. If it was anyone else you would have already done so, do it now 2, for you and your kids.

[wibblypig1]

Sorry for the delay in responding - I have just put dd to bed. He came home and apologised and said he knows it was wrong and he honestly didn't mean to kick me (he said he wanted to trip me up). He has hurt me, I showed him my leg and told him what he did today was fundamentally wrong. I shouted at him that I wasn't his scapegoat for his dysfunctional family problems. He has told me he has had enough of life. It's too hard and he has had enough - he wants out because he can't cope, he has been strong for long enough with his upbringing and some other issues I can't discuss for fear of identifying ourselves. He said the reason he barred the door today was because he couldn't cope on his own with dd, but I could so he didn't want me to leave.
I just don't know what to do. This has happened before, when disagreements with his parents have left him feeling suicidal, so it has got something to do with them as they always make him feel like this. I feel like calling the police would be a step too far today and I don't want them meddling in my life. It's all too Jeremy Kyle for me today, but I'll think about it and see how I feel tomorrow. Dd didn't see the kick/trip but she could hear us talking, if she tried to listen.
I feel for my dd, I honestly wonder what she made of today's events. I just kept reassuring her that parents argue sometimes and it was nothing to do with her. It's very out of character for DH, and I'm worried for his state of mind.

[wibblypig1]

Thank you for your responses by the way. I have read every one of them xx

[MrsHathaway]

Even if you don't call the police, I feel you must draw a formal line in the sand. It could be that you insist he go to the GP ASAP.

It's good that he's sorry but until he addresses the cause of his outburst he's effectively a ticking bomb.

[wibblypig1]

He has been to the GP (after the PIL situ kicked off - he knew it wouldn't end well) and has a phone consultation soon.
Thank you MrsHathaway x

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I think you need to do whatever you think is right to stay safe tonight and tomorrow when everyone is calmer (if dd has a nap, I didn't see if you said how old she is) speak to him and tell him that he needs to go and get help on Monday morning. He needs to make an emergency appointment at the GP and tell them what happened. Make it very, very clear that at even the slightest hint of what happened today happening again you will call the police and have him removed. And he will not be coming back or seeing DD until he resolves his issues. Because what he suffered happens in cycles and your dd will not be part of that cycle. He needs to break it and if he doesn't he is making a conscious choice for it to happen again. Tell him you will not tolerate that and mean it.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

Also, were you taking your keys and coat to take dd with you and he misunderstood? If not please do not even consider leaving her with him if another escalation in behaviour occurs, you just don't know what will happen once you're gone, especially if his behaviour is out of character.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

I think you think reassuring dd that people argue sometimes is helping her. What you're actually telling her is probably that sometimes men shout at and hurt women and restrain them and go crazy and that that is all ok. Is that a message you want her to hear?

[AcrossthePond55]

He needs psychiatric help, and NOW. He needs to go into counseling and learn to deal with his upbringing and his parents. If it were me, I'd tell him that after what he did, which was inexcusable, he needs to leave and earn his way back by going to counseling and showing you that he has changed and learnt to deal with anger, disagreements, and frustrations in a healthy way.

People should not be allowed to use a bad upbringing as an excuse to assault, bully, or abuse other people or to excuse bad behaviour.

[MoominPie22]

I agree he needs therapy asap, and I´m not sure how quickly that would happen on the NHS. Is it possible to go private? Would he agree to therapy? I wonder if he has ever even opened up about his past and his current relationship with his parents. He sounds very damaged indeed.

You are right to not tolerate being treat as the scapegoat and your priority is to protect yourself and daughter. But I know suicide is higher for men cos they bottle things up and don´t seek help or confide in friends. So I am worried he may be having a breakdown or feel overwhelmed and try to do himself in.

I really hope he is open to seeking help with your support. But you def need to ring the police and take appropriate action if he ever acts in a threatening manner again. Do you feel safe around him currently? Does he turn to drink when stressed? Or make threats to you?

[tribpot]

Not sure I see how wanting to trip you up is better than actually kicking you. Why would one adult deliberately want to trip another one up?

I note he is hinting at suicidal thoughts. Whilst this may be true, it's also a reasonably common distraction tactic by abusers.

Ideally you need to get away from him for a few days but I appreciate you don't want to leave him on his own because of the suicide risk. Could someone else come and stay with him? Or he go and stay with someone else? Does he have siblings?

[wibblypig1]

Thank you for the replies, especially MoominPie. He doesn't drink, he never has. I feel safe, but yesterday I saw a side I haven't seen before and it was a bit of a shock. It's all happened because of this situation with his parents. He finds life stressful as it is, let alone when there's trouble with them and having heard about his past, I am amazed he gets out of bed some days, let alone function like an adult most of the time and go to work. I'd cry every day and not be strong enough to hold down a job. It really is a sad situation, the likes of which is most people's nightmare. His parents act like the past never happened, but he gets frequent flashbacks and has bottled up a lot of things for a very long time. They do things like buy him something really expensive to plaster over the issue, which screws him up more because then he feels like he can't be mad at them. I can get mad though because I can see what's happening.
I am not a shrinking violet, it wasn't a case of me cowering in a corner whilst he beat me. My daughter didn't see him kick/trip me and hold on to me as the door was shut and the tele was on in the room she was in.
He has a telephone consultation this week and I have told him he must mention his suicidal thoughts and open and honest. He has tried therapy before but didn't tell them everything because he thought they'd think bad of him.
I want to support him and I don't want him to feel like he's upset everyone irreparably, as this is when the depression can spiral out of control, but then I don't want to let this serious incident be swept under the carpet and forgotten about either. So much for the happy ever after of married life!